I Survived! (For Julio)

[RedUmbrella]

Jazz,

Not a problem. That's what I am here for. I'll help out in any way that I can.

PS

[RedUmbrella]

Jazz,

I've just posted to you on your thread here in MLC.

PS

[RedUmbrella]

Update:

Well on Sunday is our wedding anniversary. 9 years now, and things are still going well.

H admitted to me today that he IM'd someone that supposedly knew him from his MLC days. He said he felt bad and apologized for it. It didn't really bother me. But, suggested that he remove his profile from where ever and that may help.

H also asked if I thought he was "better". Mainly because he feels like he's been trying hard to be a better husband and Dad. I validated him and told him that the boys and I enjoy his company. And am glad he decided to stick around.

He also suggested that we look at places to renew our vows. He said that he would like to do that to have a "clean slate" of sorts. Which will in turn make him feel better about where he is emotionally at this point. We are planning a family trip (with my parents, etc.) to Vegas in Sept. so he suggested when we go we can look at places then.

And this weekend we are planning on staying in a hotel for our anniversary. We have booked a nice room for the kids and the two of us. We are both looking forward to getting away, even if it's still in town.

All in all things are going well. I still struggle with certain things, but as time has passed it gets easier.

P and S....

[Jack_Three_Beans]

PS aka Twisted,

What do you still struggle with?

As I move in a direction that looks like reconciliation, I would like to know the pot holes.

[RedUmbrella]

Jack,

I struggle with a lot of things. And it varies day to day, depending on what has happened at work, at home or out and about.

One thing I struggle with daily is not being the same old boring wife I used to be. I try to maintain a bit of excitment in our R. And sometimes it's hard to come up with ideas that don't seem silly or off the wall. Plus, I'm way more sentimental that he is.

I also struggle with certain dates through out the year. i.e. bomb drop date. The holidays were especially hard for me this past year. Mainly because of what happened the previous year. I did my best to put on a happy face and cried in the bathroom alone.

Another thing that is really difficult is the whole trust thing. I mean I want to trust him whole heartedly, and want to be able to leave the house when he is home alone and not worry. His new position has him home all day on Wednesdays and half days on Tuesdays. Yes, on Wednesdays he's got S3....but he does take a nap. I know I've got to give him the trust he needs but some days are harder than others.

I guess with the trust thing is I don't want to feel vulnerable again. And I know that is impossible when you are choosing to love someone unconditionally. I'm still breaking that wall down we discussed some time ago. He knows that I don't trust him entirely and has told me that. I also call him on stuff that I don't like.

For example, do you remember his friend that said some pretty bad things to me awhile ago? And H never bothered standing up for me? Well, seems things have changed with that. H told me that he and Friend were going to the bar and I told him no he can't. He obviously asked me why and I told him. Your friend said you guys go to bars to hit on women. H said no way that's not why we go. I said well he said it, and he also said some nasty things to me.

Soooooo the other night H told his friend that he's an idiot for saying what he did. And that now he caused me not to trust him. Of course friend denied it all, said he didn't remember. He was too drunk, etc. WHATEVER! The thing is, H was surprised that I actually said something, instead of bitching about something else. And he was supposed to read my mind, etc.

Now, the biggest thing that I struggle with is the anger. You have no idea how angry I get sometimes. I get these thoughts of what did I do to deserve this? Or what would have happened if I told him to get lost when he finally came clean? Then I get so flipping angry I want to punch something. I want to scream and yell. Mainly I end up in tears. But, some days I want to tell him off. I don't, but I want to. I haven't decided if I need to see a C about this or not. I usually end up channeling that anger into exercising.

I don't know if that has helped or not. I guess I feel like I've just talked in circles.

Does that help...anything else you need, just holler.

P and S

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Yeah...
It helps, in so much I see some of these things headed my way.

Go see a C Peace, it will help you with the anger issues.

The trust...hell...trust freely given means nothing. Lesson learned here the hard way. It is going to take some time, you need to know that he most certainly needs to know that, more importantly he should be willing to give you that time.

[RedUmbrella]

Jack,

Oh I know. I should see a C about the anger issues. I keep putting it off. Like going to the dentist.

I just wish I was able to move past all this crap. I mean it's just getting plain old. Know what I mean?

I just read your latest thread. I am happy for you. Try not to self doubt. I know it's hard. But, it makes living a little more easy. Trust me I self doubted at the beginning.

I'm about to leave work. I'll try to post more tomorrow.

Twisted.....not so much anymore.

[RedUmbrella]

Update:

So, our 9th anniversary went well. Other than the two kids driving us up the wall while we were at the hotel, we had fun.

H gave me a new set of pans for our anniversary. Not what you think....I love to cook and bake so I WANTED them. The ones I had were falling apart. I got H a nice butane, wind proof lighter. I had his monogram engraved on it, and on the back..."Love, W" He loves it.

H is still talking about us renewing our vows. He said that maybe when we go to Vegas for my Dad's 60th birthday we can look to see what Vegas has to offer. And set something up for the following year. 10 years. So, we'll see. I'll change my last name to his....since I didn't when we married the first time around.

We are also talking about getting a new dog for our family. Looking and choosing is hard! Puppies are always soooo cute!

Now some sobering news. Something that I am really concerned about. I've been dealing with a non-stop headache for almost 3 weeks now. I've been to my GP, and she prescribed me some meds. Which I had allergic reactions to. So, I recently went back and they are wanting me to get an MRI of my brain. Some concerns were stated about possible benign tumors on my pituitary gland. Which may be causing my headaches, dizziness, nausea, and making food taste...tasteless or unappealing. I mean don't get me wrong I'm eating. I haven't lost any weight, because I force myself to eat. If I had it my way, I'd just get rid of the hunger pains and not eat at all. (Food tastes funny, like sand or just not right.)

If the MRI doesn't reveal anything, they are refering me to a neurologist. Maybe find a med that I'm not allergic to and may work. Or else I may have to be admitted to a hospital for further treatment.

H thinks it's stress. I honestly, truly don't think it's stress. (And I'm a chronic worrier) Nor is it my back, neck or TMJ. So, who knows???!!

I was worried how H would take all this. Crises' are not his strong point. He ran away when I was diagnosed with carpal tunnel. So, I was worried that he would do that again. Or he would tell me to stop complaining.

Fortunately I was pleasantly surprised. H is taking a half day off of work to take me to my appointment. I don't think I will know the results until a day later and my GP gets back to me. Until then I am in limbo....so to speak.

In the meantime, my GP prescribed Percocet. Allergic. So, this evening I will be picking up something else. So, we'll see if this helps. Cause I don't know about you, but I can't take this any longer. Most days I'm in tears cause my head hurts so bad.

Okay, well that's about it for now.

Peace

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Peace,

Be praying for you.

[RedUmbrella]

Jack,

Thanks! I hope it's just nothing at all.

Peace