Help me

[benwa]

we are all crazy in love

[Ophelia]

(I laughed when she said "I can't change my feelings"...a snort really, it just flew out...at least it wasn't "the F you CAN"T!")

I love that one as well. So....your feelings for me have already changed, but they 100% can't ever change....again?

Last night she was back on the topic of family vacation and today I get "are you ready for me to look for a place"...HELP!!!! This just seems like such a weenie way to have somebody else make her decisions for her. Then she's blameless in the end because it wasn't up to her.

I think you've pretty much hit the nail on the head there. You've gotta figure a way to tell her that she's a big girl and can make her own decisions, because you aren't going to make them for her. If she wants to leave so bad, then she can suck it up and leave all on her own.

Like utterly_alone said though, if you tell her to leave, you've gotta be prepared for her to actually leave. If she does, she'll see it as a permanent move, but we know that that won't necessarily be the case. Hell, maybe when she isn't in the position to have her cake and eat it too anymore, she'll wake up and realise what she's losing a have a change of heart.

She's really not stable enough to be out there alone though, so I can see why you'd want to not give her that kind of ultimatum.

[stubborn]

I think your statement about fighting for your son who CAN'T fight is one of the best rationales I've heard! I often think "hey, let's just ask our daughter if she wants us together or apart!"

I think I know what the answer would be

[stubborn]

James, Julie, Utterly, et al...thanks for the input. I chose to plead a headache and therefore not answer her directly. It WAS true, I had a whale of a headache thinking about that one! So I stalled and talked to DB coach last night:

She told me some things I had already figured out: I spoke from my hurt/anger and started a conversation I shoud NOT have begun. It doesn't move me toward my goal (no surprise there!) Spouse has crazy-making behavior but if I read the code it implies that she is staying put ("let's go on vacation" "let's buy a new refrigerator")
I am at a low point and don't have any juice left to deal with this because it HURTS LIKE HELL!!!!!! After I recharge I have some choices: I can risk asking for what I want: STOP contacting OW from our computer, while I'm home anyway (we all know what she'll do while alone) Start trying to get closer to spouse and say things like "I want us to be closer"...lure her in. (am I quail hunting?) the big message was ACT AS IF. quite honestly that would get me an academy award right now but here goes. I am going away for the long weekend with friends so maybe that will help.

Jules, off to the ever exciting school parking lot!!! and driving spouses car. Can't wait to see if OWs face lights up when she sees it!!!
Floor tiles rise up! Sarcasm always intact!

[inspiredjulie]

Niiiiice... how did that go... did OW light up at the sight of the car???

hehehe.

(((stubborn)))
take care, sweetie.

[whatisis]

Stubborn, we just bought a new stove! Is that as meaningful as a fridge? Tough call. It's pretty mind boggling to even try to fathom the thinking processes that go on in their heads right now! After telling my W that I'm coming to the end of my rope her response was to plan a March break family vacation! And just before that she told me "if you want to leave, then leave" Does the woman have any idea what that involves? Am I such a dumb f@ck that I'm going to walk out that door without a legal agreement in place! Not a chance. Does she think I'm going to risk access to my kids? Be on the hook for any "repairs" the house needs and just trust that one day she'll give me my half of what the house is worth? Does she even realize that although her inheritance paid off the house, I'm still entitled to half (Yes, I'm such a dumb f#ck I checked this out with my lawyer)! Don't think so. There's no reality check button operating at all up there.
Well, that's my little tirade for tonight, hope you didn't mind that itty bitty hijack, it did seem to fit though!

[stubborn]

appliance discussion is never a hijack Whatsis. The term "crazy-making" behavior is what it is....what is is...wait that sounds familiar...

and did I tell ya that we picked the refer she said "we don't want a bottom freezer, when we get old it will be too hard to bend over" Holy $h!^....talk about crazy making. Talk about "bend over"...I often feel like that's what's being said to me: "bend over". ah well you get my drift.

Now my romantic report: Valentines dinner take out at home with spouse, d7 and SL...fine...D7 was loony when she got home from school so I told spouse I was willing to pay SL to take kid out to dinner and we'd eat alone. Can't blame a girl for trying. Didn't happen. Dinner was fine, after kid in bed spouse said something about gifts (she got me card and gift card) and I realized that although I had given her the card I made, I had forgotten that I had a silly present stashed away!!! I ran and got it: DVDs of a favorite childhood cartoon. She was thrilled and I said "can I get a kiss?" AND I GOT ONE!!!!!! ON THE LIPS!!!!!!!! FIRST TIME IN 10 MONTHS!!!!!! When I gave her the card I also got a pick on the side of the mouth...almost lips. How pathetic is it that I know how long it's been since I was kissed on the lips??? grrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!

[whatisis]

Hey, congrats on the kiss, I got zippo! No kiss, no thanks, I think the box of chocolate is still sitting on the table! Probably wants me to eat it so I'll get fat and she can bitch at me again! LOL It would be like old times.

[Heywyre]

You poor sods - I can't believe your S's argue over appliances - how pathetic is that?

Or, is it just a way to avoid what really needs to be discussed?

[stubborn]

New info post.

Stepped up last night and told spouse I didn't want her emailing her lover from our home. That has been going on all along. Enough. We had another "tiff" over the weekend because I spoke to spouse about another behavior/habit of hers that bothers me. She got really mad (as she sometimes does) but cooled down by the next day and the storm blew over. I remind myself that she gets mad and THEN SHE GETS OVER IT.
So last night I went for it. DB coach had told me this was a reasonable request and suggested spouses anger was just that: her anger, who cares? So spouse considers it awhile and says she can't do that so do I want her to get her own place? I say it's not MY decision. Spouse: Do you want this, do you want that? Me: that's not up to ME.
Conversation continued about how spouse hasn't enjoyed hurting me (what comfort, she's thoughtless, not sadistic) Do I want to go back to MC and work out plan as to what is best for D7? Spouse thinks she will have her 50% of the time. Though I have not said it outloud, I do not think 50/50 is in the best interest of any child. Children are not property to be divided equally. And I have no legal obligation to that. My obligation is to daughter. And the decision to leave or stay is up to spouse. Spouse also wanted to know if I wanted to go to MC before or after we go on spring vacation? (incongruous, anyone?)

so this sucks and no surprise there. It was pretty calm with only a few tacky moments. Lost my cool and pointed out that I paid for computer. bad thing to say and I apologized but...later spouse came and asked if she could watch "tv that you paid for".
pisser.
How did/do other people in this sitch handle the communicating with OW thing? Listening to clicky clack on the keyboard while I'm right in the other room maybe shouldn't be such a big deal but FFFK enough already. I'm ready for someone to say something here: Whatsis, Julie etal, get in here and tell me what you think or what worked for you or didn't work. (I don't know that I really believe she can leave daughter so part of me is somewhat calm) speak, anybody. THIS SUCKS