How many of you are in a situation where your spouse is getting the best of both worlds? Fidelity, stability, family, etc at home and fantasy sex and ucky foo conversation from OP? "Have cake, will eat" as it were.
Surely there is some info we could share that would help us shore one another up...What has worked for you? What bit you in the ass the worst, etc?
My situation: in the past spouse had one EA but never really admitted it, although it was pointed out to her in therapy. We worked through that. Then she went through a short phase of "ILYBNILWY" and pulled away (nobody else in the picture)and got over that as well. Then boom: last spring PA, admitted it right away and was moving on. Until it came time to tell D7. Then changed her tune. Can't give up OP but wants our family, just not sex with me. (an ego boost, yesirree) It was quite obvioius that I was to be the "bad guy" and throw her out but oops, I didn't. Then she offered to leave any time I told her she should. Oops, I didn't. I have talked to Dottie, DB coach, and her advice is don't move or make her move. Her presence says something her words don't. IF SHE WANTED TO BE GONE SHE WOULD. But meanwhile how long do I get smacked around knowing she sleeps out once a week? They have broken up and reunited several times and I'm sure there's another biggie brewing soon because OW ain't getting the committment she wants. They both know it won't work but OW has nothing if she breaks it off. I have ten years invested and hope for spouse growing up IF she will face her childhood demons.
I am getting to the point where I am going to have to start taking a stand. I read everything I could get my hands on and concensus was try for at least a year so you won't feel you gave up too soon. The end of my year is April...and she wants to go on family vacation the end of March...arggghhhhhhh!!!!!
Opinions? What are your stories like? I know many are in this very boat. Anybody had any real successes? These types of people/affairs are so frustrating because I truly believe they involve more denial on the cheaters part. They truly live in fantasy land. Ultimatums are not reccommended but WTF....I'll know when it's over? I'll wake up one day completely dead inside and that will finish it? arggghhhh Speak of fellow cake plates.
I have a shovel and I'm not afraid to use it. Stubby
My situation is complicated because EA with OM can't progress or retreat any time soon. Talk about a state of limbo! My waw was engaged to be married to him 15 years ago before he shot and killed a Man in a heated argument. He is currently serving 15 to life and will be coming up for parole again in Nov of 07. She visits him once a month, they talk daily, and write each other.
I came around 5 years after the incident and we married after two years of dating. She assured me she was over him at the time. To be honest, I recall being a little taken back by her history, but love is blind and accepting. We've been physically separated for 14 months and emotionally separated for about 18 or 19 months. BTW, just to let you know, I don't blame our current trouble on this OM. I take my share of responsibility, but he certainly positioned himself in the right place at the right time with the help of his family. Yes, his Mom, Dad, and Sister played a part in breaking up our family and reuniting their Son/brother with my W. I can't blame them to much because they have suffered in his loneliness as well. I think they figured my W would bring a little happiness in his otherwise bleak existence. Also, I don't believe my W told them the truth about our situation and I know she is keeping him secret from her family and friends.
After some very hard soul searching and little to no progress, I threw in the towel at the one year separation mark. I never thought I would say this, but my love for her has dried up considerably. I see her stuck in neutral pining for this OM who could conceivably be in prison another 5 to 10 years. There is no way she can experience him in reality, so her fantasy could possibly keep her imprisoned with him for some time. I'm not saying they couldn't be happy when/if he ever gets out, but it's ashame seeing her throw the prime of her life away waiting on him.
I knew in a practical sense, I couldn't do anything to change the situation. No amount of DB'ing would break the impasse, so I used it to help myself heal and move on. Ironically, I might have had a better chance if the guy was not imprisoned. Although the W is deep in fantasy, the reality of a physical coexistence with him long term would have eventually caused some stress. My W has never really had to struggle financially, and I think his situation would have/will test her considerably in that regard.
Anyway, every situation is different and we all have a different tolerance. You will eventually come to your own conclusions.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
Stubborn, It would appear these family vacations are real big with unfaithful spouses! WTF! Maybe yours can join mine for a cruise and we can stay the hell at home! Being away from them sometimes is a vacation in itself
What worked for me? I offered her a chance to do MC etc. and forgave her on the spot, she lied for 2 more days and I ended up kicking her to the curb. It helped me because I was able to salvage a little self respect and dignity.
What bit me in the ass? Kicking her to the curb. She got a place and moved in OM right away. I think that was her plan all along though. Meh, just makes it harder to DB is all.
I gotta let you all know somthing. Anyone who has a spouse that is involved in an A be it a EA or PA and is still living in the same home with them is one strong person indeed. I don't know how you do it but I stand in awe at what it must take to do so.
I gotta let you all know somthing. Anyone who has a spouse that is involved in an A be it a EA or PA and is still living in the same home with them is one strong person indeed. I don't know how you do it but I stand in awe at what it must take to do so.
My hats off to all who are in that sitch!
Billy
I second that notion. You need to bottle that patients and control you display and sell it to people like me.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
please note the choice of the name "stubborn", not patience, control, none o' that crap. I'm just plain not gonna let that woman make me the bad guy!!! I am stubborn! Seriously I do realize at times that it takes incredible strength. Believe it or not, being strong don't make it easier.
Whatsis: I say we open a travel co: "Family Cruises"...we specialize in fantasy cruises for cheaters...their family goes along and then gets to intervene at sea, holding the cheaters captive, while sucking the damaged brain cells out, replacing them with "normal" cells...
I have a shovel and I'm not afraid to use it. Stubby
Is this the venting area? My sitch seperated 6 months, was informed of EA, poss. PA, Thurs. and decided with a little help from you guys to move back in and throw her cake in the garbage! I am not a door mat and will not be treated like one. She wants cake she can have it made by someone else.
I turned over a new leaf and am taking a new approach at life. I am being helpful to others and staying in shape, also getting reaquainted with friends I haven't talked to in a while. I am being nice to her, as opposed to being short. She is still short but it doesn't affect me anymore. I used to hang on her every word and every emotion. I was sad when she was short and mad when she didn't call me.
Now I am a new man, I went to church and had a great visit to GODS house. I asked for forgiveness for my sins and prayed for her to come back to reality. I left there feeling forgiven and heard by him. I am on the right track to GAL, and DBing(i hope).
All I want to say is Jesus sacraficed his life for the sake of others. We all need to make sacrafices and none will be as big as his.
Hang tough all and GOD be with us all!
M-31 W-25 S-1 1/2 bomb dropped 9-01-06,and repeating over and over "I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be." Groucho Marx.
I think until the relationship with OP starts to wind down or become more grounded, it's very difficult for spouses to "let go" of an affair. Especially when they are both EA and PA (strongly connected). I found the only thing that helped me was a combination of the affair winding down, me keeping my cool and working on myself, looking at what the affair provided and working towards being better at that (I was a great listener, friend, accepting supportive, etc...), looking good, being confident and developing my own life... also mystery!!!! The idea that people were interested in me and I might actually care for someone else. I think THAT really threw him for a loop!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I agree.. It is sooo hard to keep your cool and not focus on the A when they are playing both sides. Especially, when they are living at home. There are good days and bad days and Valentine Day is a crappy day when you're S is having an A. I got a nice ILU card and flowers and I'm sure the OW is getting the same. In fact, I found the card she will be getting today and it certainly portrayed how much he loved her. To say the least, I crashed and burned this morning and forgot every DB technique out there!! Just cried and cried...
It's hard to take when you can't believe anything your H says or does.. He says he needs to end the A but then their texts make it clear that he is just going through the motions and that they are planning to be together. I can't help but wonder why they don't just do it???
