Hello divorce busters I have been away from here for a few months and had not thought I would return. Sad to say I gave up the fight. I decided to focus entirely on me and my boys. I decided to work on moving on and getting over my soon to be ex. I have been this way for months now. My sitch was a rocky one but not uncommon. It went a little like this. We have been together for eleven years married seven last July. We have a 10 year old and a 4 year old. Teen parents and married when she was a senior in high school. Last June we were in bad debt and decided that she would get a job because now it wouldn't just go to paying for daycare. I was happy and I thought she was too. In the training for the job she met a man who was sepperated from his wife but wouldn't give her a divorce because of a large alimony payment she would recieve. This man and her talked a lot and met a few times. On our seventh wedding anniversary she told me she was unhappy and had met someone. She said they were just friends but she was intrigued by him and felt she needed time to think and be away from me. I was floored. I hadn't seen this coming. I thought that we had made it through some very tough times and had the light at the end of the tunnel starting to shine. Our goals could be achieved with two incomes. A house, new vehicle, security all the debt stress relieved. Instead she wanted a divorce and me out of the apartment. I moved into my parent's house and am still here. I had the first bad ideas wtih begging and crying and pleading which worked as well as we all know. Things got cloudier in my sitch. The reason she had for leaving me was unclear. She made the other man out to be nothing more than a friend and i didn't buy it. One day I went to drop off the kids and pick up some stuff at the appt. I found a box of condoms and she said never mind those. None of my buisness. I was of course mad. I wasn't mad she had condoms or sex. I was mad about the lies. Later that night I let her know how I felt and she confessed that they had thought about having sex but she couldn't. She said she didn't know why but it wasn't there for her. She said that she had left me because of the lack of sexual attraction to me and that she felt once that was gone it could never come back. I of course thought i could prove her wrong. I begged for another chance to prove to her that i could be the lover she wanted. She agreed relucantly. It was doomed from the start. It was the worst sex I have ever had. She agreed. That night only added to the questions I had about her feeling and the stories she told me and others. She had told me she had been unhappy in our marriage for years and felt this way for a long time. What I didn't understand was how I couldn't feel it any embraces or why the sex wouldn't have been more like the failed attempt. That night she reacted to my touch like I was the creepiest thing she ever had to touch. If she felt this way for years why wouldn't I have felt that before. If she couldn't hide it now how could she before. I now understand it has to do with resentment and my lack of the understanding of emotional needs females desire like males desire physical needs. Our relationship had become the I give too much, you never give enough or exactly what I want. A good case of crystal clear hindsight. I can say that I now have a clear understanding of what I need to do to have a full reationship with a woman and I still wish that woman was her. I have not let her know that now for three months but it is still there. I have no way of breaking this desire for her and I don't care to. I know to just go on loving her silently. In mid January I lost my job. It was another surprise but something I had little control over. I know that I can handle this though because compared to the loss of a wife this is minor. A week after I lost my job my W lost hers. She didn't take it as well as I did. She hadn't had the previous experience with bombs that i did. She is devastated. She is lost. She feels hopeless. She couldn't believe what was happening. She didn't know if she could go on or what to do. I thought wow, I've heard all of this before. She called me often to beg for money. I didn't accomodate. I made it clear that I wouldn't be the one to look for this help from. I wanted her to see how it felt. I wanted her to glimpse at the pain and loss i had to overcome. I didn't want her to come back. I wanted her to get exactly want she wanted in July. Me out of her life. I wanted her to know that she couldn't have it both ways. I grew cold. She grew desparate and angry at times blaming me. HA Well then yesterday happened. She couldn't pay the daycare provider (who is her best friend) so she turned to me. I got mad again and said all you call me for is money. All we talk about is what you need and I have to accomodate. What about you? She asked me what I wanted and I said sex. She said ok. I was blown away. Of course I was ready for it since it's been four months. I am at a loss about what to do now. The sex was great GREAT! and she agreed with me. She said she was suprised at the fact it wasn't awkward or repulsive but hot and fulfilling. Of course we didn't even talk about what it meant for us. We did talk about how it felt exchanging money for sex and I told her that was not the case. I told her that I felt weak in her need for money and she felt weak in my need for sex. She said whatever. I know she was only doing me a favor and that she had the money on her mind when agreeing to this but afterwards she told me she enjoyed it and wanted to do it again sometime. Again I was shocked. She has been very honest with me and warmer than she's been in half a year. I can say I want to take off like a rocket but know that I have to hide every feeling and supress every desire and let her make these moves. If you didn't understand or i didn't explain my W is in a midlife crisis state of mind. She hangs out with friends seven years younger and responsibility free. She thinks she missed something that everyone should experience being single. She wants to give up all she has to be single and free and every one of her friends what to give up all thay have to find a man. Why they don't get through to her I don't know but i can speculate it has to do with denial and resentment and that feeling of missing something. I decided to write on here to show anyone who thinks it is over and there is no hope don't give up. Focus on the things you can change in your life and find happiness within. You never know where things will go or where you end up but as long as you are happy with your own company you'll be fine.
Nice post. Thanks for sharing. Yes, the grass is not greener on the other side. Where was her 'friend' when she needed help? Bet he tossed her like his used condoms. Plus your story also proves when we really really let go, we become strong and attractive again.
thanks Jeff. I am on here again because of the hope I have and have always had. I came to the point a while back (Christmas actually) where I feel everything will be alright. I'm not saying with her and I and our M but with me. I found I tried to find happiness and peace and worth from outside sources and that always dissapointed because the need was constant but the sources weren't. Finding these things inside it is constant. If you find peace with yourself and need reassurance you just ask yourself. I know silly but fun. In the last 7 months the things that I defined my life with have been removed and I found no way to get them back. I have with a little help realized life goes on and doors open as doors close. Oh and detachment is a lifesaver.
Hey, don't stop there. What did you do exactly to find this inner peace and source of strength? I am always open to new ideas. Just when I think I am detached and strong I backslide and get mad a me for the backslide. Instead of inner peace there is sometimes conflict.
I do agree about the outside sources being nice but not essential and they are certaintly not constant.
I have two boys and I am fairly stern with them. One thing I constantly have to say is "focus". Focus on your task whatever it is. If you focus on you and what makes you happy and find it of course (I know its so easy huh) you can detach from most anything. About getting mad at yourself for backsliding, keep it to yourself. I don't mean quit whining. I mean don't whine to anyone who you knw can't help you. For example I can whine to anyone about the weight I need to lose but no one can lose it for me. I have a friend who lost almost 100 pounds in 11 months and whenever anyone asks him how he said I did it. I didn't think about it or talk about it or debate about it I just did it (swoosh) I took this and ran with it. I would say I focused on myself and what made me happy. I know a large part of what makes me happy is my W. I don't have an answer for you on how to deal with that because I can't explain just yet how I deal with that either. Well I have to go but I am here to learn and grow myself. Life goes on and you can either go with it or watch it go by.
I have a question. I know that the sex we had meant more to me than it did to her but I was going to sent her a thank you in a simple valentine card. I am going to find a very generic card and put a little letter just saying thanks. This will be the first thing I have done like this since October or earlier. Hell I can't remember when I last did anything for her. Should i test the water now or continue on the way i have?
First off, saying the sex meant more to you that to her is fortune telling. You have no idea if it rocked her train or not, even if her reactions at the time indicated it meant less to her. And from your description above, she seemed to enjoy it too.
About a letter or gifts in general. I learned the hard way to ask yourself (really ask) about how you would really feel if you got no response, a simple polite response, or a negative response. If you send the note with no expectations and any of the above responses would really not bother you then you have nothing to lose in sending it. But if you get no response or a negative one and you react to that, then why send anything only to beat yourself up, b/c in our situations that is the likely response. A polite response may set you up if is raises your hopes. I have learned to appreciate the clear negative response vice the polite response that I may view as a positive baby step – only to be shot down later.
In any event, IMO let her pursue you. She is the one who left. Keep her guessing about the sex and how you feel.
Oh I know. I can say all I am going to sent is a thank you and happy V-day. No I love you's or come back or other worthless line. I don't even think I will explain what i am thanking her for. I will mail it also. Another thing I am thinking about is the fact she wants to do that again. I do too. Like five times today and three tomorrow. I told her we had to do that again and she said my you're greedy but said yes we will just not in the next few days. I can say this has got me thinking but I don't know what to do yet. Obvioulsy I what her to initiate that one. Working on moving the focus back on me.
