Hi guys... An incident that happened to me in childhood has resurfaced in my psyche, and before it disappears again I want to post it here. I have never told anyone about it...not my parents, not my husband, not a best friend and not any of the several therapists I have had through the years. It's such an isolated thing, I am not sure if it's relevant/significant, but the fact that I haven't ever mentioned it makes me feel I am covering up shame. Here goes:
One day my mom and I went to NYC to meet my dad after work. I am not sure how old I was, but it was well before adolescence. We went to a big, multileveled dept store and she dropped me off at the toy dept and went shopping. There was a man there who was watching and smiling at me. He eventually worked his way over to me and for some odd number of minutes pressed into me. Then he scurried off. I really didn't understand it at the time, but later on made the connection that he must have gotten off at my expense. As I have said before, I didn't tell anyone about it...when my mom came and got me, I was silent. That is it....again, I am not sure if it's anything or really something.
I have grown to love and trust you all here...what do you think?
Quote: -------------------------- what do you think? --------------------------
I hope that his nuts fell off 20 years ago.
Sorry it happened to you.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
How did you feel after it happened? I think this is the most important thing. Why didn't you say something to your mom? (I'm not challenging your decision not to say something... just wondering.)
I had something similar happen to me when I was about 10. I played in the woods near our house ALL the time. One day I was there with two little neighbor girls-- they were five-ish I think. They may have been twins. A guy came along-- he was about 14-15 or so. He exposed himself and asked me to touch him. As an only daughter, I had never seen a naked guy-- not even a picture (this was ~1958). I did touch him... I guess because I didn't want to appear inexperienced and inept. Nothing else happened. I didn't "rub" him or anything, just a brief touch. I wasn't going to say anything to anyone, but the girls told their parents, who called my parents. I remember my father questioning me. I was so uncomfortable and embarrassed and irritated with my father for grilling me. My parents NEVER talked to me about sex. I found out about intercourse from reading the encyclopedia. Obviously these little girls had had the "don't let strangers do stuff to you" talk, but I hadn't. I know this is different because this was another kid not a grown man (although older than me).
It makes me wonder how many of us have had experiences like this and didn't say anything to anyone.
I don't think this one brief incident did me any harm... although I had a girlfriend who had been an ongoing victim of serious sexual abuse by her uncle tell me that my innocence was violated just as much as hers. But I don't think there's any comparison with the magnitude of the violation that she endured over a period of years.
Lil... I probably didn't say anything to her because that's just my personality. I didn't put it all together til I was older. Just a creepy thing...and I'm glad to have gotten it out there. Yay...another step forward. Sorry you had a similar thing happen, all under the theme of a loss of innocence. Such is life.
I think there are some things that are sort of "borderline" and will amount to nothing if nothing is made of them. If my parents had gotten all up in arms and launched a search for the guy and called the police, THAT would have been much more traumatic and harmful to me than the little that happened.
Your incident... I'm not sure where it falls. The fact that it was an adult man in a setting like that... seems more sinister.
When I was about this age, there was LOTS of "playing doctor"-- not boy-girl contact, but for example, running around naked in the woods because it was exciting-- we didn't exactly know why. When I was 12-ish, my girlfriends and I fondled each others breasts, practiced kissing, even sucked each other's breasts (this was at slumber parties). I'm sure our parents would have been horrified. We fooled around like this, because we were curious but the idea of such contact with a boy was out of the question for my friends and me. My first real intercourse/oral, etc. was with the man (boy, really) I married, and I was 22 when it happened. Today, alas, there is opposite sex contact at very tender ages... as witness the push to have all girls age 9 vaccinated for HPV.
Anyway... I was thinking about that incident in Dallas or somewhere where that little boy gave the little girl a kiss and it hit the national media and was labeled "sexual harrassment." It seems to me that the publicity was more harmful to both children than the kiss.
It's hard to know where to draw the line between harmless (and necessary) sexual exploration and bullying, abuse, power trips, and victimization.
This kind of stuff makes me grateful I'm not a parent today.
Lil, it is a scary and confusing world today, especially in the age of the internet. Kids are exposed to so much...I wonder how they make sense of it all. I feel caught between protecting them and preparing them.
It's interesting how the brain handles trauma. Suppressing things too much will inevitably cause the pain to resurface in some form in the future; dwelling on trauma too much prevents healing. We see this on the BB; we go through cycles of expressing what's going on, and then need breaks. We give and receive support. It's all pretty cool, and it's the best part of the internet.
While no major harm was done to me with the incident at the dept store, I do see how my tendency to shrug things off and not come forward hurts me, even in the present day. It's a reminder to myself not to go it alone.
That story makes me really sad. It is so hard to help children learn to be both polite and friendly and at the same time careful and self protective. When my son was small I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he would have gotten into the car with any nice stranger who asked - he was just so sweet and open. I am convinced that my DD9 would never have done so but at the same time the societal conditioning that happens with young girls is the thing that keeps them from being "impolite" in those kinds of situations. Keeping children safe is harder than any of us like to think. I'm sure your Mother would have been stunned at how quickly and easily someone gained access to her child. I'm sorry that happened to you.
Strangely, I was just thinking about the conditioning issue yesterday when I was sorting through hand me down baby clothes and stuff in the attic. DD2's clothes were just this sea of pink, flowers, bows etc.., they were absolutely precious and I put them in a "hope box" for the mother of my God sons who dearly hopes for a little girl next time. Note - I am not given to very frilly girl clothes, these were actually fairly plain in comparison to a lot of girl clothes. Then I searched through her boxes of baby clothes - sports themes, dinosaurs, blue, overalls etc... I don't think we should have an androgenous society but it is amazing how early and pervasive that conditioning is. I really favor ALL children learning at least some basic self defense.
I used to babysit a lot when I was 12. I babysat over the weekend at a major hotel in downtown Honolulu for a family that I knew very well so the parents could relax, attend some parties and whatnot. The kids were two elementary aged girls. There was a man (30ish) watching us in the cafe and he came over to make chitchat. I remember getting a distinct feeling that there was something wrong with this guy. I had no idea what to do and I made up some reason to leave. I recall being petrified that he would follow so I took the girls up several stories past our floor, walked around there, etc... for a while before we actually went to our room. I never told security, their parents or mine. Why? Who the heck knows? I probably decided that I was being paranoid.
What do you think brought up this memory at this time? Might be interesting to think it through.
Karen
PS I am often so impressed with the things that are shared on this forum. This really is the stuff of life = no one makes it unscathed.
I don't think I would start a thread with this but if you don't mind, I'd like to bury it in this one.
When I was about 6-7, my older sister crawled into bed with me. I don't think she touched any of my privates but I do remember that she put my hands on her bare chest and there was some fairly intimate snuggling. I remember thinking it felt good and tried to crawl into her bed the next night but was pushed out. Nothing like that ever happened again. Not sure if this contributed to anything.
I don't feel victimized and I'm not sure if this has any significance in who I am today.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Karen... I believe what brought this up is that I have been thinking about reclaiming healthy sexual energy; I've been on that slippery slope at times in terms of dark thoughts, and I am ready to interconnect love and sex again. I want to stay away from the bad stuff, and I started thinking about how sexuality can get twisted and sick, and this memory came to mind.
I am happy you are peacefully recovering from the accident trauma...it's good you are getting the feelings out, and I would say to get back in the driver's seat asap. I think you are entirely too hard on yourself; it's very clear how much you love your H, and you present him as a loving man. You showed incredible patience, in my mind, during that dry spell the past few months. It's okay to get real about your needs. I hope you manage to get away for a little break...soon you will be one busy mama!
BF...That's a good question ( about whether I will tell H about the incident). I tend to be too in my head and don't come forward enough, so if I truly want the intimacy that I say I do, I will have to learn to disclose myself to H better. We shall see....
NotAtlDave... These episodes have a twilight zone feel to them. It's funny you should reappear, because I just made the point to BF that I should talk about difficult stuff with H more, and you have stated how we can use this BB as a barrier to intimacy. I do find it helps to organize and express my thoughts here...I just need to take the next step.
As far as these incidents go, I imagine they are all " grist for the mill" in terms of our personal growth...it's good to reflect, and then move on. What I am taking from my experience is to speak up more...perhaps you can find something positive to take with you as well.
as witness the push to have all girls age 9 vaccinated for HPV.