He cannot get over the OW help us...

[Heartbroken]

Hello,

I am in desperate need of help from this wonderful group. Here is the short version of my story Aug 9th 2006 he came home saying he felt we needed a divorce. I was totally blindsided I asked if there was another woman and he said no. I believed him because I wanted to. He had written the longest letter in our 20 yrs together and he placed no blame and told a lot of truths (I am controlling, I am the more selfish one). I agreed with everything he said in that except that I was just as unhappy. I told him we needed counseling he owed me this at least since he had been keeping his unhappy feelings from me for over 6-8 months. So we went to counseling after 8 sessions she said there was nothing in this marriage that could not be fixed and that the problem was with him. She wanted to see him on his own. Well I think she knew there was the OW and she wanted him to admit it, he did not. She told him to ask for a divorce he told me all this but still said he was unsure. This was October 27, 2006.

Fast forward a little, we took the kids to Disney World for Christmas and we just did not feel right. We did not fight or scream he just was not into me or us. Finally on Jan. 6, 2007 we had a fight after our date night and he said he just needed out and that I needed to accept it. It is just I could not understand why even at Disney I asked if there was someone else even emotionally, and he still said no. Well now he was admitting there was someone and guess what she was a good friend of mine. I asked if he loved her and he was unsure. This broke my heart, but I told him I could forgive him then and there which looking back I think he wanted me to make the final decision. I just cannot give up on us. Why? This is the most painful thing I have ever done. He did call the OW and
told her I knew everything and that he was through with her. I finally felt I was not crazy and could understand his source of unhappiness.

I thought now we can really start to reconnect, but this seems almost not possible with him still emotionally attached to her. It is going on 5 weeks and we are reading Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. This book is awesome, it fits our situation entirely. She says not to make any decisions to give up for three months and he is having a hard time with it. I try to do the DB of working on the marriage while the affair is still going on, even though he says he has not seen her or talked to her he still loves and misses her. I know I need to stop pursuing him, my heart just wants him so. He has done all this to me and I cannot let him go, I just love him so much. He says he will give me whatever, so I know financially I will be fine. I am more so scared for our kids D (12) and S (10) and how they will get through this. They do not see us fight, we rarely raise our voices. They know we are having issues but they saw us all cuddly and loving those first two weeks in Jan when he really was trying to connect. This morning I told him he probably should find an apt. he just wants to make a divorce decision based on his feelings for the OW . He feels we will waste rent money and that he should just file, I try to explain that I cannot live with him until it would be final and that by separating he can see what he would be missing in terms of me and the kids and our routines. I feel there is a chance he may change him mind once he is on his own,

Right now it ended with us trying to go day by day baby steps. He has agreed not to throw the towel in so far, so I may have bought 6 weeks if I can keep my emotions together. I am scheduled with a therapist (new one) this coming Monday so maybe she will be able to give me some insight. He says he does not need counseling and I think he does not want to hear that hard cold truth that his infatuation/fantasy is only that. The OW was pushing him to file for D and he does not like to be pushed. She filed immediately in August and they are almost complete but she is still living with her ex and he knows nothing of this affair. I told her I would not tell him if she and my H had zero contact. I really feel they needed another month to see that the R would have ended naturally. OW has two boy 12 and 8 and they are in therapy right now.

My help is how/what do I do to keep us going in the right direction. I know I need to be positive and stop pursuing him, it is just so hard. I hear all about how he misses her and that he feels we cannot reconnect, kinda hard with her emotionally between us. He just does think he can forget about her. I said he forgot about us and our 16 yrs together.. He feels his trying to reconnect is to Not think of OW and I am not sure this is valid??????

Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. I would call into a coach but I am not sure there is anything I can do at this point. I am willing to do whatever for him but he seems hell bent on proving we cannot make it.

Me 41
H 44
D 12
S 9
Married 9/15/90
First Bomb 8/9/06
Truth told 1/6/07

[chicki]

I feel for you. I am in the same situation only my H still does not come right out and admit the OW, but i have plenty of proof. Lots of prayers have helped me w/ strength,patience and w/ changing my entire attutde about things which has caused a domino effect on my H' anger and attitude.

Patience, patience and time is the key! You will others tell you to not talk R and act "as if". I don't know what all books you have read but heear are a few that have helped me, The care & feeding of a husband, the power of the praying wife and the five languages of love. You need to tuen into what his complains are about you so you can turn it around and start doing the opposite. You need to win him back slowly by fullfilling his needs that probably the OW is fulfilling. Let him see the changes. My H compalined about our constan arguing..well now w/ the peace of God i let his angry outbursts slide right off me and we no longer fight like before and he is happy w/ the changes!

Good luck and God bless!
Chicki

[Heartbroken]

Thanks! For the reply. I have read all of Dr. Laura's and many many others. I have made major strides in getting myself to what I needed to become (for me) and he what he would like me to be, this only hurts him because he knows how much I am working on it and can change and I think he feels it's to late for him (feeling wise)to love me again. He is so blinded by the OW emotions - he claims he has had zero contact in 6 wks and yet he pines away for her.

I just got to convince my heart I cannot change his feelings only he can do that. He did say this morning that he may consider separating vs. outright divorce. He also is hearing what I am saying about counseling - he is considering it at least vs. absolute 'no' last week. Baby steps!!!

[Heartbroken]

H is staying home this weekend while I and the two kids go for an extended family waterpark weekend in WI dells (we live in MI). Kids were rather upset that he is not going - we said that Daddy needs some alone time. Did not lie about it...

He wants to look for apts while we are gone. I am starting LRT with no calls or pursing at all during the day, upbeat and positive at night (around him) but we are still hugging and just sleeping in the same bed. He will have sex with me if I want but I am not sure that is a good idea - it messes me up emotionally. I did ask him right out if he wants to D and he says he is not sure. He says once he moves out we can still have some family dinners (he picks up the kids at night and will bring them home). My question is do I continue "playing house" with him or do the full blown LRT - my therapist feels its too early for him to move out and if he does we need to be talking a lot - diff than LRT... Please help!

Me 41
H 44
Married 16 yrs 9/15/90
D (12)
S (9)
1st Bomb 8/9/06
2 Bomb truth of OW 1/6/07

[cat03]

I wouldn't recommend LRT, he is still on the fence, keep being his friend, be there for him, the illusion of the ow will fade at some point and he will be able to see things for what they are.
Do go out, do communicate, dont' call every day, just maintain contact without looking clingy.

[Heartbroken]

Thanks for the help! I have stopped calling during the day - and now he is calling me more. He's worried I am mad and I just say I am giving him the space he says he wants/needs. I guess if he has to see the OW he can do that this weekend...

[stubborn]

Dear Heartbroken - let me translate something from the WAS language,"alien-speak", for you:

whenever you hear "I don't know" you can substitute "I have GOOD NEWS FOR YOU" in it's place. It may not sound like it but that's esentially what it means: not knowing what they want is MUCH BETTER than having some idiotic notion that they know exactly what they want and are leaving to get it.

I realize that what you hear is "I don't know that I want YOU" but let's substitute "OW"! "I don't know that I want OW" has a much more positive ring to it doesn't it? And it's a realistic translation, you have a 50/50 chance don't you? Just keep translating that language to your advantage...breathe..."you say potatoe, I say potahhhhto"... "I don't know that I want to screw up our future" "I don't know that I want to rip our family apart" "I don't know that I can keep doing this stupid stuff"

[ourcrisis]

Heartbroken, I tend to agree it's not time for LRT yet. I thought I was too then I realized things are actually still not bad. The "I don't know" really is more positive. I heard "I am leaving" turned into (not taking action on leaving) TO "I don't know" TO (still not taking action on leaving or trying to see he if he can just move to the next room) TO "I eventually want to come back to you but I don't know how to let OW go".
Keep at DBing. It's really a bit like dating but you cannot be too pushy, do find out what he likes secretly and do that. 180 on what he does not like about you. Remember, now you have to give, give, give and do not expect anything back (except to look for these "word clues" and baby steps from him which may not happen). The way I see it, you have much to gain if this works out. If not, you would have given all your effort for a while, which compared to 16 years long of marriage is really not that much to risk. And you will come out definetly as a better person for all around you.
good luck.

[GratefulMama0204]

Just my two cents.

When my H told me about his A with MY best friend, he KNEW that he wanted to marry her, never truly loved me, etc, etc. For whatever reason, I knew in my heart that he needed to play this one out. He said he needed the D immediately so that he could be with her in the open. I said that I could not D him but that I wanted him to explore his love for her and that if he found over time that he still did not want to be with me, *then * I would grant him the D.

I thought that the excitement of the A was in the *you and me against the world* aspect. I thought if they really had to deal with each other on a real basis that ultimately it would fall apart. I kept going back to the stat that most *in love* experiences only last at most six months. So if I could take away the Romeo/Juliet quality, and let them really experience each other's annoying habits, he would ultimately wake up.

He did. It took almost 4 months from that point for him to come back. And, I did wind up filing because he was going to if I didn't and I wanted it to be *my decision* not ANOTHER thing that was thrust upon me. We were two weeks from it becoming finalized when he woke up.

That was last April. It is not easy. Now, not only do we have to deal with the emotional issues that I have as a result of his A, we also have to deal with all of the issues that caused our distance in the first place. Maybe we are not meant for each other. He is extremely judgmental and controlling. And maybe we aren't right for each other.

I will keep trying to work on things but even when you get him back, life isn't easy/

[Heartbroken]

I am willing to wait and see what he wants. I have survived the long weekend away from him - he left 3 voice msgs on the cell last night when he did not hear from us. I think he was missing us and just cannot admit it. I cannot not talk to him though - if he calls I want to call him back. He called again today (we are still in WI until tomm) and had to leave another msg. I called him back and our conversation just flowed so nice. I miss him so much - how am I going to handle him moving into an apt? He did price them and he's going to do a 6 mos lease - to figure himself out...I have this week and next to do the 180 stuff and 'Act If' to further his doubts - then he will be on his own...with kids on the weekends....This is going to blindside them big time! This is going to be so hard - I have been so patient and I know we are far from ending it...