Hi there. I don't know that there is anyone remaining here that will remember me, but I use to post around here up to about a year ago. I've been lurking on the boards since then, reading people's situations, and coming to peace with all the events that transpired in my life over the past couple years.
As a refresher, in June of 05 I found out my SO of 5 years, and the father of my then S3, was having an affair with a college co-ed 17+ years his junior. This was the first affair of his I was able to confirm; I've since come to the conclusion there was probably others before this one as well, as I suspected other affairs in the past, but just never was able to find any conclusive evidence. For some time I lived with my SO after discovering the affair; looking back, it was a horrible time, lots of verbal and emotional abuse, a couple instances of physical abuse, alcoholism, etc. I moved out of our home with S in toe in March 06. It was getting to the point where I couldn't look myself in the mirror anymore; I had no respect for myself for staying in that situation and putting up with SO's disrespect, the affair, and all the fallout it was causing.
I believe moving out is what saved my life- at least in an emotional sense. Removing myself from that toxic living environment helped me detach and begin to see my situation for what it real was; abusive, controlling, and defintley not healthy. Realizing this was not an overnight relevation; it took most of the spring and summer, as I moved through periods of anger and grief- at what happened to me, to my son, to my dreams and hopes of a "family" for us. For some time I desperatley wanted to get back with my SO; I was overwhelmed by guilt that what happened to his family was somehow my fault.
During this time my SO continued to send conflicting messages to me; wanting to talk to me all the time, wanting to spend weekends together as a family, expressing interest in MLing, etc. Despite still being involved with the OW the entire time. For a time, we were spending a lot of time together as a family, though in retrospect I see now I was using SO a bit, leaning on him when I was feeling lonely and afraid, and misleading him in the process. I guess I was still being a bit co-dependent, though slowly learning how NOT to be.
Being on my own again really helped me to GAL; I spent loads more time with friends, took art classes, and focused on doing things I enjoy (cooking, reading, writing). I went to museums, made lists of things I wanted to see and do- and tackled completing the list. In some ways, my life never felt more complete; I wasn't living to serve my S and SO anymore- I was able to finally live for me, to make choices for me and not through the lens of its impact on SO. It was liberating, self-affirming, and helped me rebuild my shattered self esteem. It also helped me to begin to stand up to SO, to not always cave into his needs, wants, demands- just in order to avoid a fight- and to take ownership for what is important to ME - despite it's impact on SO. Let me tell you... this tactic has, and continues- to keep ex-SO's head spinning; he realizes he can't manipulate me anymore and that I'm a force to be reckoned with!
At some point this summer, after a particularly difficult weekend, when I was very sad about having to exchange my S3 with SO, and not being able to see either of them for 4 days, I reached out to SO and asked if "everything" had been worth it; if he was happy. SO replied that he wasn't- that his life was so much harder now without me around, that he was not particularly happy..... he, he, he, me, me, me. And I don't know why it was this particular exchnage that finally killed the last remanates of romantic feelings I had for him, as it wasn't much different than anything from the past, but the fact that everything was still about him, what happened to him, how he felt, what he wanted, etc.,- and not about how deeply he hurt so many people through his affair- well, for some reason, it was just the straw that broke the camel's back. Since that day I've never looked back, and have only looked forward. Since that day I knew that no matter what happened, I would be okay, my S3 would be okay, and that this affair was probably the best thing that happened to me, b/c it gave me a solid reason to break free from an abusive relationship, to find "me" again, and to start fresh and build a positive future for myself and S3. Had I not discovered the affair, I know I would have continued on in the relationship, despite the emotional and verbal abuse, b/c I thought it was best for my son to live in a two parent household. I hate that I had to go through the experience- it's something that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy- but I see now that it has made me a stronger person, that no matter what, I know I can handle anything that comes my way, but furthermore- it made me value myself again. And that is priceless.
So where am I today? First, I have a great S- he's coming up on 5 soon- who is just a joy and pleasure to be around, and it's an honor to be his mother. Sure, someday's its difficult, being a single Mom and all, and I stuggle, but it's all about perspective; I've learnedthe little trials and tribulations of life will pass. Second, a few months ago, I started a new job. It was a large promotion, and a large pay increase, and while I'm not terribly excited about the work, the skills I'm learning and tasks I'm being asked to accomplish will make me even more marketable in a couple more years. Third, I have met someone very special, someone who values me and my strength, who treats me like I should have been treated all these years- and who also adores my S4, sees him as an bonus to being involved with me- and whom, conversely, my S4 adores as well. Our relationship has been progressing slowly but surely, and I am very happy with him, and can see clearly that we are building a solid, stable future together. Lastly, I have learned that no matter what, I still have a family. I will always have my S, and he has two very involved parents, and no matter what, that makes us a family. No, it may not be the way that I had always invisioned (two parents in one house), and in time other people than the two primary parents may be added to that mix, but family is a fluid term and is more a feeling at times, than a tangible exsistance. At least for me.
And where is my ex-SO? Yep, he's still seeing the OW; coming up on 2 years now. He's not doing so hot financially, is struggling with work and home, and is still expressing regret and remorse; just last thursday he was telling me that he feels that he will always be "the villian". Hmmmm..... Is someone feeling a bit guilty? Despite all the pain he's inflicted though; I only want the best for him. Perhaps that desire is a bit selfish- at the end of my days, I want to be able to look back and say that I handled the fallout of the affair with grace and compassion, when I had no reason to do so- but I also want the best for him b/c he is still my S4 father, no matter what, and the better off my ex-SO, the better for my S4. So I try daily to put aside my personal bitterness and hurt for the good of my family.
Does the hurt ever go away? For me, it hasn't. There are still triggers, reminders that catch me off guard, and I'mentally back at that spot I was after finding out about the affair. Sometimes I allow myself to remember- so I never forget and never allow myself back to that place again. Sometime I dismiss the memories quickly too though. I can say the reminders have lessened with time, and I'm able to control them more, and am certainly not as obsessed with it all as I was. Living with all that bitterness wass just an ugly way to live, and I never want to be in that lonely place again. But I doubt I'll ever truly forget.
Anyways, I wanted to write this as a cathardic exercise for myself; as a way to let go, once and for all, and to not look back again. I think I've been lurking on these boards for awhile as part of the process of letting go, and now, as my new relationship is progressing, I feel it's time to really let go and take that vulnerable step forward, no matter what may happen in the end.
I know may of you here are hoping to save your marriages and or relationships, and I do wish you all the best. I was too was one of you. I know my story may not be a success story in that it did not salvage my relationship, but I honestly believe the DB process help me to salvage ME; and that is what is the most important part of DBing. I am a success story, b/c I found "me" again. And for that, I will forever be thankful for the support of this site. Thank you to everyone, and my best wishes for your future- whatever may happen.
PetiteFlower
Quote: Follow Your Bliss
~Joseph Campbell
Is someone feeling a bit guilty? Despite all the pain he's inflicted though; I only want the best for him. Perhaps that desire is a bit selfish- at the end of my days, I want to be able to look back and say that I handled the fallout of the affair with grace and compassion, when I had no reason to do so- but I also want the best for him b/c he is still my S4 father, no matter what, and the better off my ex-SO, the better for my S4. So I try daily to put aside my personal bitterness and hurt for the good of my family. 
