My wife told me on October 15th, 2006 that she had rented a place and was leaving me. She said she did not think I would care because of how angry I seemed to be at her all of the time. In short, I do care, I went to anger management and am still going. She never left and we are piecing our marriage back together a little at a time. It has been over 3 months since she and I have ML. She lets me kiss her sometimes and hug her every day. No real contact however. She says over and over that the reason was my anger which has been a problem for years. I controled her by being mad at her when she did something I did not like. I made if hard for her. She never turned me down for sex, but now says that was to avoid conflict most of the time. She says that she is working on getting over the bad feelings from the past, and that is why she is not ready for much physical affection. She has been allowing more every day, but still much less then I would like.
She says there is nobody else and there has been. She never spent even one night in her apartment. She comes home from work on time every day. We spend most evenings together. We go dancing, to dinner, to movies etc. We always have. Here are the things that bother me and make me concerned and jealous. She wears Victoria Secret Bras and panties to work every day. She has a terrific figure. I think she looks very Sexy. She has done this for a few years, since she had breast augmentation surgery. I supported her decision to have the surgery, and I was very involved in the process at her request. I percieve that she is protective of her purse and Cell phone. She never leaves either with me when she is not right there. Put this together with the not having sex with me, and I have this terrible fear that she is seeing someone else. The only time she could, would be during the day at work. She works in the health industry, and is not always in her office, because she travels around the city for meetings etc. I have no proof. I have no evidence. I have asked her and she says she is not. She says she loves me. She says we are in this together when we talk about repairing our marriage. She says she is not about to give up on us. She wears a wedding ring when she leaves for work, and has it on when she comes home. I'm afraid my fear could be completly unfounded, and will cause me to do something like snoop, investigate, spy, or something worse and blow everything we have built in the last 3 months. The problem is, my fear is real and it is strong. I need help to get over these feelings. Help. HerBuddy M 49 W 50 S 22 D 20 Married 26 years
I hear you on the snooping thing. I did that when my husband started hiding his cell phone. Looking back I probably should have let the whole thing go, but I was obsessed with getting information.... still am
The best way to deal with the jealousy, fear. etc... is to start GALing and begin some 180s. Start working out at the gym more, buy some new clothes, focus more on yourself.... Ask her a million impersonal questions when she's around... i.e. how's work? how do your feel about that? What do you think of? Don't blame, don't criticize, practice being an amazing listener and reflecting her words so she feels you're really listening. Show caring and concern in a friendly way that's not smothering. Give her space as well. There's a chance she could be in some type of MLC and detaching and working on yourself would be a healthy way to deal with this.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I work out everyday at the gym. I have not missed a day since the day she dropped the bomb. (Oct 15, 2006) I did huge 180's and continue to live up to them. We are getting along great. Better then we have in years. 2 nights a week I am out doing my own thing and my wife is home. The other 3 week nights we do things together (Dancing lessons, language class, and usually dinner or a movie. I'm not kidding, I am enjoying our time together more now then i have in at least 10 years. I think she is too. The problem is, I can't stand living without a sexlife and It makes it hard for me to believe she likes it any better. She is the one that says she is not ready yet, to resume any physical activity beyond a kiss goodnight, and a hug or two. Meanwhile she wears undergarments, that make me crazy all of the time. She seems so calm, relaxed and comfortable, it just seems to me that she is getting it somewhere, and I know it is not from me. Sorry to be so crass, but I friggen going nuts over this. I am a normal, healthy adult male and it is not normal for me to live like a monk for 3 and 1/2 months.
Last night, I was too close to getting up in the middle of the night and looking at her cell phone. I don't know what I was expecting to find, but my heart was pounding at the thought of looking at her call history, and text messages. I woke her up and told her what I was worried about instead. We talked from midnight until 2:00 am. She got mad at me for a while, and siad the fact that I don't trust her made her feel bad, but she calmed down at the end. In short, she said she would not show me her cell phone and that if I don't trust her, that is too bad. She said again, that she is not having any kind of affair, neither emotional or physical. Now I am perplexed. What could she possibly be worried about me seeing, if it is not text or history from a affair? Could it be just a control thing, because I have been in control of most things our entire marriage, and this is one thing she has taken back? We are together all of the time. We have fun, we enjoy each others company. What am I afraid of? What else could it be? Should I just decide to blindly trust, and just accept whatever happens? That is where I think I should go.
You need to decide what's best for you. If she's with you all the time, and seems happy, perhaps it's a good idea to let the cell phone thing slide. I know in piecing it's best to avoid snooping (although I tend to do it!).
As far as the lack of physical intimacy, you should speak with her about marriage counseling, insist she go with you, and set up an appointment. I think that's your best bet to figure out what might be the problem in that area. Good luck to you!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Well, I found out she was having an affair. Since May, it has not been physical. In May of 2006 she slept with him twice in a hotel, during the work day. She has been talking to him daily,before and since May, mostly about work stuff, and as a "friend" according to her. She says she confessed everything to me. She said they were intimate twice last May, when the two of us were barely speaking because I was so wrapped up in work stuff, she turned 50 and felt Old, he was so attentive, and she was sure I did not love her anyway. She said she stopped it because it felt wrong, awkward, and very uncomfortable. Now that I caught her in the act of talking to him all of the time, and she has confessed all, (I hope it is all) she now says all of our lack of intimacy has been due to her guilt. I said I was going to leave her unless she quit her job, and never spoke to him again. She convinced me she could work for the same company, and not see him or talk to him at her current employer because he works across town. She has been with the same firm for 28 years. She said she would never speak to him again, would resign from all of the committies they are both on, and she wanted to save our marriage. I asked her to call him in front of me and tell him to never call her again. She did. Then, I called him and told him if he ever calls her again, I would call his wife. (He is married and has 3 small children) I made it perfectly clear that I had a zero tolerance for any contact, even if it is only on a professional level. I asked her why she did not tell me until I caught her in the act. She said, she was afraid that I could not forgive her. She also said that things had been so good in our relationship since I did all of the 180's over the last three months since she dropped the bomb, that she was afraid to risk causing me to get angry, and revert back to the old, angry me. She also said, she was afraid I would go into a rage, like I have done in the past, and hurt him or even kill him. After this 3 hour talk/ confession, all of the physical things and intimacy in our relationship returned almost like throwing a switch. She would not sit near me before, now she was sitting on me. Last night, she came to me and asked me to come to bed and make love to her. (It was great for both of us) This morning, she promised again to never talk to him, and said she was 100% committed to me and our marriage. She thanked me for forgiving her, and said she would be the kind of wife I deserve. I told her I would be the kind of husband she deserved. Can this be real? Could this all be the truth? Could it really be like throwing a switch? If I just forgive her, and get by the fact that my wife slept with another man, all of our other problems become repairable? I would love for this to be the case, because I can forgive her. I can't forget but I can rise above it. I will not allow myself to get angry to the point of hurting him. I won't even call his wife, (unless he does not stop calling my wife) because of his small children. I don't want to hurt them just because their father is a unfaithful pri##.
Based on what you had written I had a feeling your wife was probably working through an affair. You may go into a roller coaster of emotions so be prepared. A wonderful book you should pick up is "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Here's a link: http://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Relationship-Infidelity/dp/074322549X
It will help you understand the situation better. I imagine the reason your wife was avoiding sex was probably guilt over holding that secret in. The nice thing about these secrets being out is it deflates the whole thing.
There's a lot of guys on the piecing board who are successfully working towards better marriages following this type of bomb. If you get a chance go over there and do some reading.
The good thing is your wife sounds remorseful and also like she's trying to be honest without hurting you. I imagine your head is spinning right now. Try to take it easy and don't do anything, or react to any extreme emotions, without waiting a day or two. Hang in there! There's a lot of us here in this boat with you.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I'm cool. My head is not spinning. I told her that I forgive her, but I will never forget her actions. We will get through it somehow. I don't give up on things.
