Okay, I'm really confused. I need some feedback and observations from more experienced DB'ers.
1. XH dropped bomb, saying there's no one else, I just need to learn to be on my own for once in my life. You guessed it, it was a lie. I caught him before the divorce was final. I know I shoulda kept quiet, maybe he would have had the grass outside the fence and came back. It made him angry and accelerate the divoce. Our divorce was final in four weeks because I didn't fight him and we agreed on the property settlement.
2. We "dated" through the divorce, which is supposedly final on 1/30/07, but we haven't gotten the paperwork yet.
3. We did overnights in a hotel he rented for me when we lost power and the house got down to below freezing. Nothing happened, just snuggle and talking. We slept naked as we always have over the 20 years of marriage.
4. We are still "dating." He even has started to kiss me and hug me when he first sees me and when we part.
5. He has been using language like we are still married I.e. "How long have we been married?" when I asked him how he knew I wanted the pepper just when I was about to ask for it. He no longer says "your house," despite the fact he signed the house over. he will say "the house" or referring to it as "home" as in, "I'll meet you at home."
6. All the above said, he doesn't seem like he's clammering to come back to me. It almost seems like I'm a transition until he finds something better. Or, he's doing this so he feels like a good guy by not making my life harder. he also doesn't like to be alone.
7. We've never gone dark except once for two days when he was mad at me for confirming to our 19 and 21 year old daughters about the OW. he called and said he didn't want this to go this way (him being angry at me and not talking to me after our divorce). he also felt compelled to tell me he has been doing some soul searching about the situation with the OW and he broke it off. I just said, "Okay." It didn't matter. our final date was over and just waiting for the paperwork. And, I wasn't sure I believed him or cared if he was lying or not. he calls or comes by almost every day since he moved out a month ago. often, eating dinner with me. He still comes over and scoops the cat litter, changes the water filter, takes out the trash, shovels the snow and other small things he did when he lived here.
8. This is all new to me, but he's been telling others he's leaving me since late August/early September, 2006. It's not all new to him.
9. I have talked to Chuck, one of the life coaches here. he's AWESOME! I took his advice and told XH that he is not responsible for my happiness and that I am excited about moving on with my life. It was after that we went to dinner and the pepper thing happened and he kissed me twice and hugged me when we parted. The kisses didn't seem lusty or sparks flew.
10. Upcoming Plans: We are going to Boston together for a comedy concert and staying overnight together in a hotel - same bed. At his insistence, we are going out on our anniversary date (valentine's day).
11. Two days after valentine's day, he is heading out to the midwest, where our families are, to visit his brother and dad. BTW, the OW is there too. Her husband is aware of what they were doing, so it may be that she is trying to work it out with here husband. I hope so for their sake.
I'm terribly confused. This has all heppened so fast for me. The whole process is on fast forward and I'm not sure what is going on. Does he want to come back? Is he fence sitting with one foot on "freedom" and another back with me until he figures out which is the better deal or finds something/someone better? I don't know if I want him back. My heart says yes. My head says, "are you crazy?!!" Will he want to be on this side of the fence if I make him work for it more? If so, how do I do that?
I am moving forward by:
1. Attending Divorce Recovery class at church.
2. Working out 6 days a week - lost 42 lbs from size 20 to 12 - woohoo!
3. Now taking a yoga meditation class.
4. Planning a few short vacations.
5. getting laser eye surgery.
6. Consulting with a plastic surgeon about getting a body tuck after I am done losing all the weight I am going to. I have been heavy for so long and two pregnancies, my stomach skin is not going back.
7. Looking into doing a tandem sky dive in the early summer.
I guess I've decided I'm going to have my own mid life crisis and take care of me now.
I just found out the D papers are not finalized. I do have it in my control to put the divorce on hold for 6 months. I am so confused. This may belong in the midlife section b/c that is exactly what he is going thruogh. I have been doing whatever he wants, including the D, so he feels in control, which is what I'm told mid-lifers need. I'm now freaking out that the D will be final and it will greatly reduce the chances of reconciliation. On the other hand, he will likely be furious if I do this w/o consulting him.
You need to do what you want and need, not what you think he wants or needs. As you are aware, changing your behavior has VERY little effect on what he does.
You need to stop thinking in terms of him, because it is likely he is not thinking of you.
Acting or reacting a certain way in hopes of getting a reaction or behavior from the other person is rarely a good choice.
Because you are changing the person you really are and is this likely to attract the person you want?
A confident, honest, centered person is much more attractive than a person who always tries to appease and please and let go of their true self.
H said he would consider converting the D to a LS to save me some money on my taxes so I could claim married and still keep him on my insurance until he finds a job.
His biggest concern is that I will try to control his life somehow by not being D. I told him that I was too busy moving on with my life to have the time or energy to worry about what he was doing. (Thanks Chuck!)
I'm still battling doing what I want and need instead of how it may affect him or his behavior. Truthfully, I've spent the last 21 years being Wife and mom and everyone else came first. Besides Divorce Care class, working out and yoga/meditation class, bowling and work, I don't have much else going on that I'm interested in. It's a start I suppose. I'm looking for the confident woman of 20 years ago who would have told him to keep walking if he walked out. Then, would cry for awhile and find some activities to get involved in. I'm doing the doing more things and expanding my interests, but I must say that almost 100% of my waking time is spent thinking about whether he will ever come back to the marriage or a R with me, other than parents. I guess time will tell. I'm hopeful that with time, I will think of it less and less, like with any death and greiving.
Right now, I fight staying in bed under the covers reading another self help book or a book on mid-life crisis and the Bible, intertwined with short naps. Working out at the gym and weight training, and anti depressants, have helped me stave off how bad it could have been, I suppose.
My self as an adult has been defined by this relationship and the kids. My fault. I can't seem to find the excitement/fulfillment of doing something that is just for me.
Okay, this is more journaling and rambling. I have found that reading other posts has helped a lot. I do think I'm moving to the midlife side also. I'm not sure where I belong, so I'll do both as the mood strikes me.
