Hello Piecing people! This seems like the hall of heros to all of us over on the Separated BBs We all hope to be here someday and admire you ALL for accomplishing your goals. I came over here to check it out a few times and even commented on a few posts. When this all started for me, I vowed to only come over to Piecing once I had moved back home. Now I see that is not practical as that will be the most critical time to ask for help.
A link to my sitch is in my signature. Basically H and I separated to give one another space (his choice but I was feeling it too). After being separated for a month H confesses to having PTSD from when he was in the service a few years back (Afghanistan). That is just one aspect, I was also a very controlling and needy wife! I guess I cannot blame Osama for EVERYTHING We are in communication often and see one another once a week, sometimes more. H initiates almost all of the contact and makes the plans to see one another.
My point of this posting is I do not feel perfectly matched with either the Separated or the Piecing BB. In the Separated posts I get real positive and helpful feedback but I also get feedback from only a few and I feel it is because my sitch is really going well. I feel foreign here because I have LIVED on the Separated BB and I am currently separated. H has made no indication that he wants me home anytime soon and I feel like we have plateaued in our progress.
Progress made and, thus far, sustained:
H still TMs, calls, or emails everyday. H still makes plans with me at least once a week (he's very busy w/ 2 jobs). H is wearing his ring again (at least around me). H calls when he has a "bad night" (PTSD).
Other progress worth a mention:
I am busier than ever during the week, weekends are still bad... H recently told me he loved me when I asked him why he was bring so kind. I have started losing weight from hitting the gym regularly. H commented to our having "been in a rut", making my world open back up. I am looking into getting a part time job or volunteering to make my weekends better. H insists we keep our separation from his family. I make an effort to show H my appreciation for the things he does (still does a lot for me by HIS choice).
SO...my question is, after reading my sitch and my progress, do I have to wait for a solid reconciliation confirmation from H to be here or can I chat here for a bit? I hate to think I jumped the gun here and perhaps I should wait out the plateau to see what happens. Like I said before, I feel like I am irritating the Separated people and I feel a little ahead of myself on the Piecing BB
Hi S4N, I read your posts on the separated B and saw that you weren't sure if you should be here. I feel the same way, many days I think I need to move to the separated B. My H and I have been separated almost a year. I came here after he stopped our D and said he wanted to try again and he wanted his family back. It has been really rough. I have a very hard time controlling my anger at him for not moving home . Anyway I think that many of us feel like we should be on several B's at once.
Me 45 H 51 married 15 yrs D 13, S's 10,8 bomb 1-06, moved out 3-06 filed for D, 7-06,10-06,11-06,12-06 3-07, asked to try again 6-07 D on hold D process restarted 10-07 now trying to reconcile!
Thanks SJ for responding! I did not want to jump the gun by being here but I don't fit in either place neatly and LOVE my separated support group, I just feel like some of them get frustrated with me. I complain when H does not contact me for a day and some of them have not heard from their spouse in weeks. I feel for them and I try to be more positive about my sitch but the truth is that it is ALL rough and I have bad days too. Do you ever feel so close but still so far away? That is me everyday...
Thanks again for commenting, it makes me feel more normal to come here and see the roller coaster carries on and on and on...even at this stage
Hi again...I had a really positive evening with H and although it is not a spoken thing that we are piecing, I feel we are really close if not actually in the very beginning stages. My positive evening was dinner and gift exchange for V-Day. H worked on Wednesday and so we celebrated last night. While this may not be significant for most people, it was very special to me.
H has always said V-Day was a stupid holiday. We would do the card and candy thing but that was about it. This year we are separated and H 1) initiates the subject of buying presents 2)invites me to have dinner that he will cook 3)apologizes several times about scheduling not working out and having to celebrate it late. Those are the actions that H took which made me think we could have a wonderful new M once H can be sure that my changes are not only for real but also forever.
All week I have been trying to not get my hopes up about dinner and what may happen and I think I did ok because my let down was minimal. It is not like I expected to be asked to move back home last night but it was in the back of my mind since he was actually making an effort on something he usually "poo poos". I vowed to be fun, to be a good listener, to be appreciative, and to be upbeat. In all honesty, I was genuinely all those things...until I got tired and called it a night.
When I first got to our apartment, we chatted a little and H told me I looked thinner. I thanked him and told him he looked really good (he had on a blue shirt that made his blue eyes just melt my heart). We went to the grocery store and got things to make for dinner. H made garlic and dill salmon with mashed potatoes and red champagne. Neither of us felt like vegetables or salad so we skipped it. We talked for a long time after dinner about a lot of different things. No R talk but that is just fine with me, I usually cry a bit during those chats and did not want to ruin the evening.
A lot of "we" talk happening on H's part which made me feel great! H made a joke that we would proabably finally remember how to turn a quirky knob right before we moved out. Later he mentioned not wanting to tell our kids (we have no kids, btw) about his combat experiences. Those are really special to me even though others may look at them as desperate glimpses of hope. I call them baby steps...they are truly there but BOY are they tiny
Patience...patience...patience, the Lord knows I am trying
Hello Piecing...I copied and pasted my journaling at the Separated BB. Advice, comments, or suggestions are always welcome. I know I am new here and need to get out and read/comment on other posts, I am just really nervous about being here at this point in my R. Thanks in advance for reading
Originally Posted By: Separated4Now
New thread...I have been trying to stay away from the BB a bit because I get caught up here and forget to GAL. When H calls and asks what I am doing, now I don't have to say "reading" because I don't want to tell him "posting all our business online". Anywho I am trying to keep my cool, you all know how I get so I am concentrating on the following: having expectations=NO NO/ having patience=HAVE TO!
Yesterday H calls and we chat for a bit then he asks if I want to have dinner. I did a long "ummm", because I actually had plans and was running through them in my head to see if it would be a go for dinner. Since H said a late dinner would be fine we decided to meet at the apt. We chatted when I got there and went to dinner. It was very nice and relaxed, we talked about work, school, our nieces...just regular stuff.
When I started telling H about my sister and BIL buying a house I told H that they were doing a VA loan. H said "that's what we are going to do" but I did not get all weepy or give him that past response of "really?!?!" with big hopeful puppy dog eyes. I am quite proud of myself and just continued with my story of telling him about the features they wanted most. We were joking around and laughing a lot but H kept saying he was exhausted. I told him we did not have to do dinner but he said he wanted to because I make him feel better. I just smiled and he smiled back but since I did not want him to get uncomfortable, I faked a gag and we both laughed.
We held hands for a bit during dinner and went back to the apartment and I told myself to only stay a minute because H was tired and dinner was unexpected anyway. So we chatted for a few, just about regular things and H said he wanted to do things with me this week. I was happy about that and when he started to get quiet, I decided to leave. H walked me down to the car and he puckered up for one of his "still not ready for sex yet" kisses, I kissed him then hugged him and I went home. During the evening I did mess up and ask if he wanted to stay over (my place is QUIET) but H said he had to put together some equipment for a morning dive and I just said "oh yeah, I forgot about that" and let it go. Why do I always have to throw in a nice f-up in there during a perfectly pressure free, pursuit free, and stress free evening?!?!
It did not have as bad of an effect as I feared because H wanted to chit chat for about 20 minutes when I called to let him know I got back ok. H has been asking me to call him when I get back to where I stay lately and I love that. Even when he is exhausted (like last night) he will still walk me to my car and then stay up until I call and let him know I am back. So the unexpected night was really great and although it may be a TINY baby step, H puckering up for a kiss was a nice moment.
Off to check in on my favs...miss you guys/gals!!!
Ahhhh! I hate the pulling back thing that H does when things are going really well. Why can't somethings just be positive and grow from MORE positive interactions? This is definitely the HARDEST thing I have ever done in my life!
The past few weeks have been wonderful. H has called everyday and even invited me out to dinner unexpectedly on Sunday (making it 2 nights last week). Last night we talked for over an hour on the phone about nothing specific but we made each other laugh a lot. Today he has gone pretty dim on me. Luckily I was busy and did not really notice until I realized that H did not call me when he got out of work today. He has spoiled me with these calls after work calls for over 2 weeks now and just quits, what is that about?!?!
I am not in tears like I usually am over something like this but my mind is still wondering what he is doing. Thinking positive worked for about the first hour and now I am getting anxious. This cold is screwing up my thoughts and I need a nap.
Ok, I know that all R talk should be intiated by H but I have been wondering if he is not trying to open that door??? Lately H has been doing a lot of "we" talk and stating things that "we" will do in the future. Should I take that opportunity to ask him to be more clear or if he is ready for a reconciliation?
For example the other night at dinner H said that "we" would use the VA to get a home loan. All I wanted to do was ask:
"When do you think we could look into that?" or "Are you saying you want to live together again and stay M but just not right now?"
I am too scared to ask H these things because I think he may shut down and will pull WAY back if he had not intended to give me false hope. I guess a better question would be:
"I am not sure how to respond to that, what do you mean exactly?"
Any advice or suggestions would help. I feel like a fool for getting so excited about this. I mean we still live apart and have had no official reconciliation talk with the exception of H talking about future plans to include me! Thanks in advance for your time
Since you're separated I'd still DB and keep away from relationship questions. You can be positive, supportive and his friend (the first steps to getting back together), but let him "work" his way back in. Make him initiate getting back together. You just keep PMA and GAL. Don't make things too easy, they appreciate you more if they have to work for it. I learned that one the hard way!
When he brings up things you might do in the future just smile and say, "That would be nice." (One more thing. To protect myself, I didn't believe in things until they happend. Having no expectations is a nice safe place. And yet another thing... don't worry about tomorrow live for today).
Hi Running! I appreciate your advice so much. In my mind I know that H needs to initiate R talk and getting back together but I was having those anxious thoughts of "what if" this afternoon. Those feelings come and go but I never act on them without asking myself if what I am going to say/do will bring me closer to or farther from my goals. That really helps me to focus.
Your suggestion for my response to H when he does the future "we" talk is great...I would have never thought of that. My PMA is pretty good today, I enrolled in classes for my graduate program. I am so excited to get back into school so I can have my own interests again, my own life, and meet new people.
In the beginning of our separation I did what you mentioned about not getting my hopes up and waiting on things to happen before letting excitment kick in. So far H has come through on all that he has said and more. We see one another 1-2 times a week and he calls often. Considering that, it is hard to not feel hopeful but I know the let down is bad and so living in the moment is most important.
We all hope to be here someday and admire you ALL for accomplishing your goals. I came over here to check it out a few times and even commented on a few posts. When this all started for me, I vowed to only come over to Piecing once I had moved back home. Now I see that is not practical as that will be the most critical time to ask for help.
We are in communication often and see one another once a week, sometimes more. H initiates almost all of the contact and makes the plans to see one another. 
