Help! I went Dark for just a week after 6 weeks of the usual crying begging UGGG! He now comes over on Friday night and stays for 6 hours!!! Usually he comes for 30 minutes to see our son. This time ou son was asleep and he stayed the whole evening.He brought up the R talk about coming home after we come home from our cruise (we had this planned for over a year, Disney Cruise with the kids) He is coming on the cruise and says he's coming back home! Do I believe half of what he says? He says I don't want to live this way, "but if I come back and it stays F***up I'm leaving again! Nothing like feeling the pressure of it all. Ok so the cruise is in 4 weeks, do I stay Dark, twilight? He actually reappeared at Church this morning, I almost fell over when I say him there...He told my son he will be back over tomorrow. He told me he wants to take baby steps. I feel like the vacation may be the turning point, my 13 year old says "How weird, he's coming on the cruise?!!I feel like I'm going to sabatoge his return in the next few weeks, although I see he is making steps toward reconsiliation.He tells me Friday night how much he loves me "i wouldn't have married you" Doesn't feel like love right now. In my mind I keep saying "if that were the case why are you still at Mom's, your friends etc. I know, I know, hold me back I keep wanting to rush things..Is there a DB book on how to keep him from leaving again, he's left over 10 times in the last 7 years...I can't go through this again
First of all, you can't KEEP him from doing anything. That said, you can do two things. First, you can work on being a self-contained person who doesn't NEED him to be happy, and second, you can REALLY address the issues of your marriage so that maybe together, you can work on them instead of either of you running or hiding from them again.
Now is the time when you have to decide what you want. Do you want to save your marriage? I think since you've stuck things out this long, you do. That decided, see above...
I have to admit to starting my reply before reading the whole post so I didn't see...
he's left over 10 times in the last 7 years...
Wow. Well, I'd say HE has some serious issues beyond any marriage issue you have together to have left and come back that many times. You'd think he'd either stay or go...at least commit to THAT (lol)!
People call him the "Occassional Husband" I agree he has some serious issues when leaving so many times and returning, but I believe I must have some serious issues when I allow this swinging door, to be left so many times...Okay, so he says I'm coming home again, he did say ,this was the last time. I guarentee he will leave again. Unless "I do the changing according to him"
I guarentee he will leave again. Unless "I do the changing according to him"
What does this mean? Are there things that he says you have to change to "please" him, or are there things that he's right about needing changing? Are there things that you WANT to change, for your own sake, or maybe the sake of your kid(s) that would also happen to make your marriage work better?
This is a VERY touchy subject because there is either something terribly wrong with the marriage, you or him for this to be a constant in your relationship. This kind of thing, IMHO, falls outside the "norm" (if ANY of our sitches can be called such) of the sitches around here, much like serial cheating does.
My husband has had a tendency throughout our marriage to "run away" as well. Although he has only moved out a few times over the last 20 years, he used to move downstairs into the extra room quite a lot. Over the years he'd complain about something I did or didn't do so I'd change, but soon it seemed like he'd find another thing to complain about and it seemed like nothing I did would ever make him happy. I don't know if this is similar to your sitch, but it was a very difficult pattern to live with. Also, for a long time I thought I was the person who could "fix anything" and it seemed like this was the one thing I couldn't fix. I just couldn't be perfect enough. Does any of this sound familiar to you?
I don't think there's anything wrong with you trying to keep your family together and trying to be patient with your husband.
What kind of changes does your husband want to see?
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
My H wants "a clean, neat house, meals at night after work ( he does cook often, is a great cook and loves to do it) declutter the house,but again it sees like you say running that no matter how long the changes last or what they are there will be something else for him to focus on..maybe the coffee pot left on, lights left on.....A little history about me....three years ago when I had my son by ceserean section, my bladder was cut in half during the procedure, I was an RN working until that time. I almost lost my life that day and it has taken me literally two years to feel somewhat better. I still have cognitive issues (memory loss, recall problems) from the massive blood loss I sustained at that time. I have continual pain and a neurogenic bladder. I take multiple medications, never took meds before this. This has affected the M, my ability to function as before, I have less tolerance and endurance. In addition I have a child with Autism who I have immersed myself into....
