Glad to have you on board. We have one other male poster who is in his early 60's; I'm 58. Most everyone else here is quite a bit younger. It helps to have the perspective of someone older who has been in other relationships. Here's your original post-- especially interested in the part I have bolded:
Quote:
OK now more time to be reflective - long post. I can only draw from my personal experiences during my life (I am 62 years young).
I think many men are brought up to believe that being emotionally open is a poor strategy. Let's face it, our male life is filled with competition (sport, work, etc.). Our parents usually bring boys up to be strong, bite-your-lip sort of people and, on top of that, most of the images that we see about men reinforce the equation that macho equals manliness.
Being brought up with 4 sisters meant that women have always been the stronger influence in my life and, generally, I find women easier to get on with than men.
However, my father dying when I had just turned 12 and then putting up with about 3 years of bullying at school pretty quickly wired me up to understand that not showing emotions was the best way to survive the world.
My first wife was (still is) a kind and caring women who didn't ask for a lot of emotion for me so that marriage lasted for 16 years before it died a natural death. I then met a beautiful American women in New Jersey and it was an intense, romantic affair full of emotions before it failed. Ergo, once again I learnt that showing emotions led to pain.
Then there were a couple more relationships where they were fuelled by my intense emotions and they also ended in lots of pain.
So when I finally met my dear, sweet wife and knew that this was the woman I wanted to be with for the rest of my life, deep down in my subconcious a voice said keep control of your emotions otherwise this will also end in pain.
So J and I have had 11 years of really great love making and these are my conclusions:
1. If you are a man that is uncomfortable with emotional intimacy then it really must be dealt with or all your relationships will be prone to failure as most women really need this intimacy. Loving your woman is not enough!
2. Both genders must never use sex as a bargaining tool or a reward/punishment process. I think women are more prone to this as they know the real power that rests with them.
3. If a man is losing interest in sex then unless he is honest with himself as to the reasons why, his partner can't deal with it.
4. If a woman is missing sex from her partner she should be honest about the reasons why. Early on in my relationship with J we discussed how we would deal with one of us wanting sex when the other didn't. We came up with a number of tactics which meant that it was rare for one not to turn on the other during such an instance. Happy to discuss these tactics in another post.
5. Ultimately, most sexual problems probably stem from low self-worth but I'm just an amateur therapist so it may be rubbish! But Michele's book and others all focus on looking inwards for the answers to relationship problems.
Finally, in case any of you think that I'm bomb-proof then read my post here. Thank goodness, though, we have had a great sex life as it is one of the strong links that seems to be keeping us connected.
Hope this is of some value?
Regards to all,
BSP
The link to your earlier posts didn't make the trip over.
Well I'm not going to be too explicit about the tactics but, in essence, this is how it went.
At some point early on in the relationship, about 6 months in if I recall correctly, we had a discussion about what each of us did that the other found really sexy. There was quite a list and many of the actions were quite subtle. After a while it became clear that some of these actions were really powerful stimulants and they have remained so over the years.
The other aspect that we discussed was what we would do if one wanted sex and the other just wasn't in the mood. In this case, we agreed that there was nothing threatening if the person wanting sex 'looked' after themselves so long as we were together at the time. I had a lower spinal problem for a few weeks that was too painful for me to engage in love making. During that period when J wanted sex, I just held her tightly while it was sorted! It turned out to be a really close, loving and intimate experience.
So when I finally met my dear, sweet wife and knew that this was the woman I wanted to be with for the rest of my life, deep down in my subconcious a voice said keep control of your emotions otherwise this will also end in pain.
Huh? Maybe I'm not following you here. Which emotions, specifically, are you keeping control of? Anger? (I'd say, yeah, that's a good one to keep control of) Desire? Fear?
Or, are you suggesting that men control ALL of their emotions? I don't think this is what you mean. (Robot husbands, a la Stepford?) Your later sentence, about the need to be comfortable with emotional intimacy seems to conflict with the earlier statement.
You sound like someone who has lots of wisdom to impart. I want to learn. Enlighten me.
Let me explain what I was referring to with regard to my issue with total emotional openness.
The bullying and two very difficult relationships seemed to have made me understand, subconciously, that being open with emotions to do with love and pain always ended with huge hurting and destruction of that relationship. I had some very helpful counselling many years ago that helped me understand why I picked the wrong sort of partner.
But I didn't realise that the subconcious connection between emotional openness and destruction hadn't been sorted out.
When I met and loved my wife and realised that this really was the love of my life, for all the right reasons, and I truly wanted to be with her for the rest of my days (I had never been able to say that honestly about any other previous woman) subconciously I isolated any idea of being deeply emotional because, again subconciously, that was the way that I could protect myself from ever losing J.
subconciously I isolated any idea of being deeply emotional because, again subconciously, that was the way that I could protect myself from ever losing J.
This sounds like you shut down and buried your feelings-- surely this isn't correct?
In your first post you referred to your former "emotional intensity." Do you mean negative emotional intensity like rage? And THAT'S what you've toned down in this R?
I am confused as well, because I am now starting to make the connection that my LDness had to do with guarding myself emotionally. I feel that as I move forward with opening my heart up again, my natural desire will emerge, and I won't need to resort to fantasy or other ways to rev up my drive.
You seem to imply the opposite: shut off emotions and it will increase the sexuality. Are you referring to negaive emotions?
I am confused as well, because I am now starting to make the connection that my LDness had to do with guarding myself emotionally. I feel that as I move forward with opening my heart up again, my natural desire will emerge, and I won't need to resort to fantasy or other ways to rev up my drive.
You seem to imply the opposite: shut off emotions and it will increase the sexuality. Are you referring to negaive emotions?
You seem to imply the opposite: shut off emotions and it will increase the sexuality. Are you referring to negaive emotions?
Sorry this is still coming over as a confusing picture. The tangible aspects of my poor emotional intimacy were difficulty in deeply kissing my wife, lack of small touches, that sort of thing.
It was only a small part of my total emotional person - the rest functioned properly. I always felt my love for my wife and that underpinned our sex lives.
