Anger! Anger! Watch out!

[merder]

Sven, thanks for telling me about what you went through. Yeah, it's a lot like what I have on my plate.

I did ALL the things that don't work.

Then I talked to the Ps and told them I'm choosing my W over anything else. They agreed, etc. etc. etc., which sort of amounts to nothing. What they've done has been done. And whenever I told my W about my telling them that I won't accept any of their bad behavior, it didn't do much. At first, she was happy, but that faded quick. Now, it's mostly pain and anger.

Can you tell me how your talk with your family bore fruit? Did they apologize or anything like that. I'd really like to know.

My W is so upset by this that I don't know what to do. I think it will sink us. I don't know how much of her anger is coming from somewhere else either, 'cause this is not the only difficulty in the marriage. I'm listening. It's all I can do.

[merder]

I forgot to ask - can anyone tell me some specific things I can do or say? Limits with Ps, stuff like that?

Sven, since you went through it, can you tell me more?

[SvenTheRed]

Merder,

I'll try and post some more tonight - some of which might be links to my previous threads.

Have you picked up a copy of DB or DR - I read/applied DR.

In the end, you will need to give it time for her anger to wane and in the meantime, you need to remain vigilant with your folks to keep their distance for now and you should only discuss fs she brings it up.

Since it will take time for things to iron out, it is time to start DB'g, GAL, etc. If you haven't picked up the book, put it at the top of your list and get started right away.

While you're welcome to stay in piecing, you might consider another forum (unless you are at the piecing stage) only for more views (such as newcomers) and opinions. Don't worry, us "piecers" lurk around on most of the other boards and I'll come find you.

More later...

[SweetRedd]

Merder,

Hi I'm gonna go a different direction on this, but I don't know what your history is, or where you are in the piecing process. Obviously you wanna steer clear of anything that you know alienates your W. I also don't get along very well with my H's parents and it has come between us for years.

Validate your W's feelings about how your parents treat her. Don't defend your parents or try to point out how they didnt mean it the way she took it, or say "that's just the way they are".

I'd go with the rest of the posts except, in our experience, it's been a cheeselss tunnel to solving the problem. Your parents and your W are not likely to start getting along better because you intervene, and even if it gets better, the tension might remain between them for years. I also can't suggest that you write your parents off, stop seeing them, or argue with them about it, well, because they're your parents and if you have a good R with them, that is something valuable for you.

If there is anyway you can support your W's feelings and encourage her to talk to your parents about them, I'd do it. Ultimately, the relationship between your P and your W is their responsibility and you can't fix it yourself. If this means they never get along and your W refuses to visit them, I'd support that and not insist that she have a relationship with them. OTOH, if she'd like to discuss the problems with them and they are willing, I'd be as supportive as possible. Suggesting that she talk to them and clear the air empowers her to have a say about the relationship.. it also keeps you from being in the middle (if you refuse to be put there). There was a time when I wished my H would wring his parents' necks, but over time I've heard enough to see this puts a spouse in a bad place. Often if they do stand up to their parents, their spouse still isnt happy with the way it handled, and, if it doesnt result in changes, the blame cycle continues. My H "tried" for years. It didnt make me feel accepted by his parents and it didnt make much of a diff really. What has made a difference though, is that H stands behind me 100 percent. He agrees that they've treated me like crap and shouldn't. I'm not expected to attend family gatherings and if I have something to say, he doesn't get upset with me for being angry at his parents.

I don't know if this helps at all.. it's a hard situation to deal with. I worked with a woman for years who hated her H's parents and nothing they did satisfied her. The mistreatment was a two way street. She'd call him and rave.. tell him to tell his "B Mom" this or that, and then quiz him and get ticked because he didn't say exactly what she expected. That's extreme, but if it sounds like your W at all, don't get in the middle of that tug of war. Validate, support, hug, tell her she's free to confront your parents in a way that's comfortable (with your full support). That's my 10 cents

Sheila

[merder]

Well, Merder (sorry "I") thought I was piecing. The W said she wanted to work on things, was willing to call off affair with OM, etc.

That all changed. Actually, it changes every day.

So the strategy is sometimes just giving her space, other times actually working on the relationship through discussion, other times trying to bite my tongue as I hear about her devotion to the OM.

Tomorrow she might want to go to marriage counseling. I doubt it, but her whole attitude has shifted radically more than once, sometimes over the period of a few hours.

I've read the DB/DR books, along with a slew of others, and I try to incorporate their insights as I navigate this minefield.

It's tough.

[merder]

Thanks Piglet. It is a really tough thing to deal with, and I don't think it will be "fixed" any time soon.

It makes it worse that these days my W is back with the OM. This is a new development, and it might change, so I might as well continue to hang out here.

It really helps to see how other people have dealt with this kind of thing, regardless of the status of their relationship.

[SvenTheRed]

Merder,

Sorry I didn't get around to posting last night....but I'm glad that Piglet chimmed in. I agree with what she says - I think the point I was trying to make is that you do need to stand behind her 100% - that I totally agree with. I didn't give my parents an ultimatum - I just told that that I support my W 100% and I will protect her and my children from harm in all fashion and that they need to know this - that I won't back down or get in the middle. So Piglet offers some good advice.

It's frustrating as all get out - I understand that - and as I said this will take a lot of time I suspect. Particularly since your W seems to be vacillating all over the place. It is really best to drop your expectations to nil and start GAL'g (if you haven't already). In any interaction, I'd just A/V your arse off - listen, listen, listen and affirm. Validate. She seems to need to work past the hurt, anger and pain. In the meantime, you need to be patient.

I so wish I had more - maybe others will chime in as well. I'll tell you it took a solid 8 months from her telling me she is willing to try to her expressing her love unconditionally....that maybe gives you a sense as to how long the journey might be (and I'm guessing mine was probably one of the shorter ones).

Keep posting....

Sven

[Heywyre]

I think the change of heart (so to speak) is pretty common at the beginning and can last for quite a long time. I think my H and I are doing extremely well - today. However, each day my opinion on that goes from one end of the spectrum to the other. I just never seem to know anymore

[merder]

Yeah, don't I know it. This week has already seen her in deep, dark depression, so bad that she said she felt like dying, to today's happiness and almost glee.

(That's not to say that she feels any better about the M, because I think the happiness has something to do with either getting away from me or getting together with the OM. She is especially ambiguous at these times.)

See, this is where I have my difficulty. It seems that it is only possible to work on problems between us (at least insofar as talking with one another is concerned) when she's not in "I'm in love with OM" mode.

Will it do me or us any good to bring these kinds of things up when she's debating whether or not to start a new life with OM? She put on the appearance of working things out for quite some time, while all the while thinking about, talking with, and generally being committed to the OM.

Luckily this joker lives out of town. Otherwise, the supposed "piecing" might never have even APPEARED to take place.

[SvenTheRed]

Merder,

Mindblowing isn't it?

My WAW went through a lot of this as well.

I can only share something she said to me over Christmas. It was short of saying "what the hell was I (she) thinking" on her part - but I'll take it. In essence, she said "I was really 'hoping' all along that you would 'get it' and that the change was permanent. I really don't think I had a future with the OM".

What got me to win over the OM was a CONSISTENT demonstration that I had changed - but really in that I changed back to the person she fell in love with in the first place. I GAL'd my arse off - I lost 35 lbs, rekindled my love of outdoor activities, found a way to channel my stress (mostly from the gym). I FOCUSED intently on my kids and fostering the love I have for them (and they for I).

I COMPLETELY accepted that my M was probably over and it was time to start living my life - for my own happiness and sanity - for ME. Through that, I became a far better choice over the OM (he would complain he was going nowhere in life, was grumpy and crabby). At first, she was intensely attracted to him and his jerky ways. BUT, over time, *I* emerged as the leader - taking charge of my life and where I was going - regardless of whether she wanted to come along or not.

This came after many an evening at the gym, or a coffee shop where I laid out my plan to take my life back. I did NOT engage in R discussions with her unless it was in a counselling session. I was also guarded with what I told her I was doing. My time was my time (and this drove her crazy). I wasn't going to let her insecurities rule my life. She made the choice to divorce me, so I found it important to just move on.

Look, I'm not saying I'm the best at this at all - but having her "wavering" at all is a good thing. If you want some light reading, I'll propose pouring over a few of my threads, Grasshopper's threads and even Frank_D's (probably one of the best) and most closely relates to your sitch.

Hope that helps somehow,

Sven