LW, All the more reason to go. Don't leave it up to her, nothing will ever change if you do. You should arrange for someone to watch the kids, get registered for the weekend and then tell her she's going. If she balks, insist that it is important to her future.
After 13 yrs of M and 2 chldren (D12, S10), it finally dawn on me that my W does not love me. Why? Becos there's no emotional bond btw us. At best, we are friends. There's no 3rd party involved. She's 200% mother to the kids and 10% spouse. Btw, I'm 49 and W 43. She has very low-sex drive and she has told me recently that sex is not important to her and she doesnt like it. If I'm lucky, we are intimate once a month and if not, it can last forever till I initiate it.
I had to do a double-take when I read this to see if I was the one who posted it and just forgot about it. It is so similar, even down to "only Saturdays".
I've been battling this for a while. We'll have been married 20 years in a few months, and this has been an issue for about 16 of them. If I talk to her about it, it gets better for a month or so, then slips right back into the old routine.
I think I've pretty much come to the conclusion that I must be lousy at sex. Seriously. Psychology 101 tells us people like to repeat pleasurable experiences and avoid unpleasant experiences. I must be lousy at it because if I were good at it she'd be wanting to do it all the time. As it is she avoids it whenever possible and if she does have to do it, she wants to get it over with as soon as possible. It's like you said, it's just a chore to her, like doing the laundry or something.
I think she loves me, but as a companion and a provider, not as a husband. I guess I just have to decide if I can live with it.
I doubt very much that you are lousy at sex. This is RARELY the cause of SSM. The problem could be either the relationship, or with HER (most likely). You sound like most guys where the sex went downhill shortly after marriage. Women get a chemical boost for 2-4 years in new relationships that give the apperance of a HD women. These chemicals act like testosterone, they make her HD. Then they wear off and the REAL women comes through, and it is NOT good. Her sex drive and her sexuality can likely fall off the face of the earth. Until she decide that SHE wants to find it, all you can do is work on you.
I actually agree with Cemar, and I also feel that for some women, becoming a " wife" brings about psychological changes that can dampen desire. It then becomes up to the woman to consciously choose to keep sexuality in the picture. Personalizing her LDness by doubting yourself only hurts you and the situation more.
I think she loves me, but as a companion and a provider, not as a husband. I guess I just have to decide if I can live with it.
GO, yep that's my thoughts exactly. She's not in love with me and she loves me as a person, companion & provider. I really felt miserable and till recently, I was angry with her for making me feel so inadequate and small. I resorted to compulsive buying of electronic gadgets and adult toys (ie RC planes, photography etc...) just to take my mind off these problems and to spend the lonely nites fiddling with them. I really thought I was alone till I found this site and that made me 'woke up'. No, I'm not alone and there are others out there in worst off situations than me. That was some consolation. I then started to read the stories in here and the remedial actions and learned a thing or 2. I accepted the fact that I now have to let her know in advance of ML so that she can be mentally prepared for it. I had earlier refused to accept this arrangement as I always felt ML was impromptu and spontaneous. Making 'appointments' for ML was completely unacceptable and incomprehensible. I now understand that if that what's make her happy then I have no other choice else the marriage will further deteriorate.
and yes, so far it's been 2x in 2 months that we ML...Guess what, we even celebrated Valentine's though she said "....but you know I dont like flowers...." when I gave her a bouquet of roses. I was like frigging pissed for the insensitive remarks but I just shrugged it off. Anyway, she did a rush-job to get me Polo fragrance (Yucks, hate Polo really) but then, it's better than nothing. I just need to understand/tolerate her moods better......
Should us guys also tell our wives that all communication must now be "Scheduled", that all quality time with the husbands must be "Scheduled". And then we should make it clear that we are only doing these things because the WIFE wants it and it is our "Duty" to perform these tedious marriage chores.
Cemar, this is what you should do: you should tell your wife you want a divorce-- today. Put that poor woman out of her misery. Tell her that you are tired of no sex and you're going to go out and find a woman who likes sex. Free her. Release her.
To keep b!tching about this marriage and refusing a divorce because of so-called religious principles is a TRAVESTY of religion! You are an embarrassment to others of your faith! Do you think God wants you to b!tch and moan and complain about your W on this board? What DO you think God wants from you?
If you think being married just for the sake of being married is a higher value than freeing your poor W from a husband who clearly has NO respect for her, judging from the way you complain about her... you've got it all backwards.
Staying in this marriage in the name of some religious value is a crock! I can't think of any religion that forbids divorce-- even Catholics can divorce under certain circumstances. Are you HOLIER than your church that you won't permit you and your wife this out?
Does she have any idea how much CONTEMPT you have for her? What does your church say about expressing contempt about your spouse day after day? Or are you sweet to her face and only come here to trash her?
Cemar2, I know where you are coming from and yes, though I still maintain that ML is spontaneous, I have more or less accepted these 'requirements' just to make her happy. If she's happy, then it may possibly save the marriage. It's good one thing leading to another. To save the marriage, the kids's and yes, our faith, I would be more than happy to make this small compromise.
Actually, have a read at Lilliperle's siggie. I have been practising this philisophy for about 3 yrs now and even though I still falter, I have came a long way. Conflicts in any relationship results from 2 or more parties and the reason why it can worsen/deteriorate is because of our PRIDE. If only 1 party can take a step back, remove all pride, remove all blames & finger-pointing, reflect deeply into one's self and to identify, acknowledge and reflect is/her weaknesses, make an effort to change....things will definitely improved. I was a real ass-hole before, selfish, full of shitty pride (I'm right and you are always wrong attitude), conceited and egoistic, short-tempered, abusive.....a real big-time bastard! What happened? My 31/2 yo S was diagnosed with Leukemia, stress led to marriage breakdown, etc.....then depression.
I blamed everyone (W, parents, inlaws...vented my frustration on my 6yr D thru verbal outbursts) and even my God (I was a Buddhist then). Out of the blue, my conscience 'spoke' to me and 'told' me that perhaps I should be looking at myself. I spent about 4 mths during my free time reflecting my actions and since then, I was able to let go and really humble myself. You know what - my W once remarked that the change in me was so significant that it was like a differnt 'me' altogether and that she felt so bad that she still had problems overcoming her faults. I know it sounds cheesy but this was what happened to me...... Pride, foolish pride.........
Here's another cheesy Valentine message I wish to share....yes, i meant what i've written and in actual fact, I was feeling the same way too...here goes:
"For the times, I have made you feel neglected- for the times, I have made you feel unappreciated and for the times, I have made you feel unloved..... I'm truly and sincerely sorry for what I had done and (name),I will strive to make you happy from now onwards...."
