My husband has been having a "friendship" with another woman. I have always been suspicious, but cell phone records and a drunk late night call by him confirmed it. The night I caught him he was very apologetic and scared of what would happen(don't take the kids) but once he got sober he is now acting defensive and irritated that I keep asking detailed questions about the OW.
He has agreed to go to counseling, but it totally downplaying the situation and making me feel that I am trying to make of it than there is. He keeps claiming that there is nothing more to tell other than they talk on the phone and go to lunch, but my gut says there is more. He claims the reason he will go to counseling is because he has been miserable for 5 years.
I haven't eaten or slept for days and cannot get the images I have created out of my head. I just want him to admit that it is more and get the details so we can move on. I know each time I push, I get farther away, but I just feel so helpless and betrayed. I can't live like this and feel like I will have a breakdown before our first counseling session.
I have read both books, but feel if I back off I am letting him get away with it and we will never get to the bottom of this.
Sorry to hear about your situation but glad you have decided that your marriage is worth working/fighting for.
First thing you need is to have patience. Give things time. Him deciding to have an A probably wasnt a decidion that happened in an instant and will not be solved in an instant.
The key to this program is to work on yourself and not him. Start eating and sleeping good and find something to do for yourself and your PMA.
Are you sure you want the details right now? Don't seek answers to questions that you really don't want to know the answers to.
When my W started her relationship with her OM she insisted that they were only "friends" and didnt spare me any details but I knew that there was more...turns out yelp there were more. But from my situation, I would be closer to reconsiling with W if I didnt waste any of my time with the details of their relationship. I felt helpless and betrayed as well but made the mistake of showing it and that pushed my W farther away. If I just let things be and worked on us instead of worring about them I would be in a totally different situation right now.
Thanks so much for sharing your experience. I know having patience is the right thing to do, it's just so hard to wait and know I may never know the truth. I feel like a crazy person trying to track down details, phone calls etc. I think I really want to catch him just so I'll know and then I can move on! The hardest part is trying to stay upbeat with my 2 grade school girls.
I think there are 2 approaches here that are needed at different times.
Of course you feel that you need answers, but your marriage is in emergency survival mode at the moment. You have to let him feel that he can enter back into this marriage without being under scrutiny and being questioned the whole time. You just need to supress you natural desire to snoop and question.
In the longer term, research seems to show that couples do need to be open about what happened in order to move on. But that's for the future, not now. Always you have to try to keep your eye on the bigger prize.
You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him discover it in himself. Galileo Galilei
