Choose to forgive

[cat03]

From "healing the hurt in your marriage" about forgiveness and letting go:

Forgive your spouse
Forgiveness is essentially an act of grace, a gift of love. You can't work for grace. You can't jump through the right hoops to earn it. You can't perfect your performance in order to deserve it. Grace is simply a gift.
...How did God forgive us? Did we earn it?..God expects us to forgive our spouses and others--not because they have earned enough points through good behavior, but because we choose to give it as a gift.
Forgiveness means giving your spouse a second chance, not because he or she deserves it, but because you choose to extend grace to your spouse just as God has extended grace to you.

What Forgiveness is Not
...The idea that you have to forget in order to forgive is a myth. When we forgive someone, we do not forget the hurtful act, as if forgetting came along with the forgiveness package, the way strings come w/a violin. Begin w/basics. If you forget, you will not forgive at all. You can never forgive people for things you have forgotten about. You need to forgive precisely because you have not fogotten what someone did; your memory keeps the pain alive long after the actual hurt has stopped. Remembering is your storage of pain. It is why you need to be healed in the first place.
...God forgives and forgets our sins, but [we] are not God. [We] dont have the power to forget as he does.
How do we resolve the pain of offenses we can't forget? You start by admitting to yourself that you dont' have to forget. We are called to remember without condemnation. The apostle Paul wrote, "So now there is not condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus". God has forgiven our sin and no longer condemns us. WE must forgive our spouses the same way even when we cannot forget the offense. As you do, you can ask God to ease your pain. This takes you off the hook of trying to make yourself forget that your spouse wounded you.
It is also important for you to grow in your relationship w/Jeses, seekig him for instruction and comfort in your pain.

..Forgiveness isn't about feelings. Forgiving your spouse is a choice, an act of the will. If you wait to forgive until you feel like it, you will likely never forgive. Feelings are antecedents of thoughts. Feelings can't think; they can only feel, and they cannot be trusted as the main element in deciding to forgive. Forgiveness is the right thing to do, whether you are emotionally moved to do so or not. If you wait for a feeling, you are giving more opportunitity for resentment and bitterness to fester in your heart.

...Forgiveness in not an exercise in trying to make an offense disappear. On the contrary, granting forgiveness requires us to confront the reality that something painful *did* happen... true forgiveness acknowledges what really happened and how badly it hurt; then it chooses to let go of the offense. Forgiveness says, "I know what you did, and it really hurt. But I choose to forgive you anyway.
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[havefaith]

Also, when you forgive your spouse you are teaching your children a lesson they will never forget. My son told me that I taught him about Unconditional Love. I forgave their dad so they are learning to forgive him too. They know that I still love their dad same as ever despite all the hurt, because he is still deep down inside, the same good man. He has gone through alot and he made mistakes. We all do. As a result, your children will learn how a marriage should and can be by your example. When you learn to hate the actions not the person you have taken a big step toward forgiveness. And you will find true happiness again.

[cat03]

your children have a great mom

[Heywyre]

Thanks Cat and HF - your words are very inspiring.

Sometimes it is difficult to determine when and if you can forgive. I felt I had and then didn't - I never knew how to determine it but HF set it out quite clearly when she said "hate the action, not the person". I believe I have forgiven my H for what he did based on that description. I don't hate him by any stretch but I surely do hate the action he did.

Thank you both