akalily - I am NOT the OW, have never been OW

[wildwoman]

Guys and gals. I only recently joined the boards and I am the BS - definitely NOT an OW.

VC seemed to reply to me as the OW - Said that that I was 'back' on the boards with again. I didn't understand it. I don't know another lily on the board but I am very new here. My name is Susan and Susan means Lily - nothing more. I guess I couldn't have a more ill-chosen name.

I am a 'new' lily as Tom said, but I am an entirely DIFFERENT physical being.

i came for help, for support, for understanding, on the suggestion of JoAnn my MC through this website.

I won't be posting here again though. I'll read but not write. My husband didn't seem to like the fact that I was posting and I'm trying to not tick him off anymore than my incessant questionning and lack of trust already does. He's always told me to never put anything in writing so I guess this is just an example. Like not talking about marital problems with friends or family. It just feels like there is no one to talk to sometimes.

I was just trying to find someone safe to talk to and I don't feel right asking for money to go to an IC in addition to the $ we pay for C here. I was just trying to find some sanity in an insane situation where I found myself not knowing the man I fell in love with. Where I found myself not being able to believe the only person on the Earth I had totally believed and believed in. The OW who posted really did hit a nerve with me and I guess I should never have answered her on the board.

I didn't know that I wasn't supposed to post 'after' someone. I guess I didn't read the rulebook that closely. I apologize and will get out of your hair.

Cat - thank you for the advice you offered me on my few posts. It was wonderful reading your threads. I felt not so alone and not so hopeless or helpless. I appreciate your kindness and your care. Your suggestions had given me hope.

Thank you and I wish the best to all of you in your Rs.

akalily
(Susan)

[cat03]

I don't know what kind of misunderstaning happenned related w/your name, but I'm sorry to hear you don't feel confortable posting, but DO whatevery you feel is right for you and your H. I have to dissagree w/you H, you need someone to talk to, a friend or a family member, you can't be denied the right to do so, I'd be a basket case had it not been for a great coworker who was there for me when I called and cried and told her I couldnt' go on anymore and she'd talke me down and pray w/me.
I choose not to tell all my friends nor family about the separation or the A, which turned out to be the best. Not everyone needs to know, but I still think you need someone to turn to when you are feeling bad, I don't understand why your H is so against you journaling here. Then again, this is YOUR choice, ok? it's your healing and you do what's best for you hon.

It's great you see a C, I hope you are able to move on. It's been 7 mths since I learned of the PA, and rigth now I'm at a better place, i've moved on and the hurt is not as stingting, it's a different kind of hurt, more of a sadness, of a realization that I let my H down, that I rejected him in such a way that he didnt' see anyother way but to leave me (the A happened later)

I pray you two are able to talk past the hurt and that you are able to let go and face your fears and forgive him, then the mental images will not have such power over you.

[believing_isaiah43]

where I found myself not knowing the man I fell in love with. Where I found myself not being able to believe the only person on the Earth I had totally believed and believed in.

I completely feel and understand this sentiment. Can't offer much more right now, but TOTALLY get this. Wish I didn't.

[Heywyre]

Lily - Susan, whoever you are.

Please come back to the posting boards, I don't know what happened that someone mistook you for someone else (I do know there was someone on one of the other boards that got a tongue lashing from a few people because she was an OW and wanting us to feel sorry for her but it doesn't sound like that was you)

Some here are a little more sensitive than others - don't take it personally. As for your H not wanting you to post anything in "writing" I would have to say, if I had listened to my H, I would be insane by now. This board has given me a place to vent and stop myself from going completely bonkers.

You are in a bad state right now and need all the help you can get, emotionally, spiritually and physically - you have come to the right place to get all of that and more

Please reconsider, we need you as much as you need us.

[wildwoman]

Thanks Haywire.
I'm back - I couldn't stay away and keep everything all bottled up. I guess it's ok that he knows I'm here and knows I'm posting. I am fairly certain he reads the bards and looks for my posts. He used to 'hijack' my emailed journal entries and I don't know if he still does because I stopped looking to see if he was checking up on me.

I guess I'm imporoving - I'm not snooping as much as I was and as long as I keep myself busy I do great. Right now I am preparing for an art exhibit and that has helped me cope the last few days.

Take Care and thank you for your encouragement.

[Aud31]

Hang in there sweetie, and good luck with your exhibit. Sorry you got mistakenly slammed

[wildwoman]

That's OK - I can take being slammed (usually I deserve it) but this one totally took me off guard. I think I may have to change my moniker so I don't get confused with other 'lily's. Odd though - Lilypad is in Ft Worth, TX and I am in Houston, TX. I don't know where the other lilys are.

Interestingly, I think my husband may think I am 'Lilypad' since we used to be in Ft Worth/Dallas area.

[flip]

If he does read your posts, it might be a good idea to start again under a new name and give a bit less detail (or thrown in some false but superficial detail to throw him off the scent)
I do believe very strongly that unless you're at the reconciliation/piecing stage, it's not helpful for our S's to read our posts. They're for us to vent and discuss theories and aproaches. Much of the good work of DBing is undone by WAS thinking it's just another manipulative ploy. It's about so much more, real change and self analysis, but it's easy to get the wrong end of the stick.

[Heywyre]

I agree with Flip - unless we are piecing I wouldn't want my S to read my posts. I'm safe because my H can barely turn on the computer, has a few sites he goes to (weather and astronomy site - which I have put into favourites so he can find them easily) - other than that, he doesn't know his way around one). But, even if he could, I wouldn't be concerned because I am in pieceing and pretty much everything I say on here he has already heard. It's just another avenue I need for venting

Glad you are back - hang in there