I feel weird posting this topic but need help in this area. My husband and I have been together for 4.5 years now. I am 7 years older than he is and had two children from a previous marriage and him and I have a 22 month old together. The child we had together was born with Down syndrome so that was difficult at first but we came through the hard part and are now trying for another child (DS or not). He is a wonderful husband and tries so hard in every way to be a good partner. We are best friends and talk about everything (except our one problem) and rarely argue. He is a better communicator than I am and helps me to be a better one when I shut down. The only problem we seem to have it sex. When we first started dating he was such a gentleman and never tried a thing. After a while I wondered if he ever would and had to make the first move. It has been that way ever since. He has never had to be the initiator in any of his relationships and all of them were long term. He thinks it is the womans job to do that and feels foolish doing it. I stopped trying after a while to see if he would do it and only occasionally will he do it and it is so suttle that sometimes I don't realize that he is flirting or initiating. The other problem he is just not a good kisser and that is a problem for me. He seems to not be able to focus on more than one thing at a time. If he is trying to kiss he does alright but if he is trying to do more he is super sloppy and stiff. He sticks his tongue out and can't move it right and he slobbers on me (gross). I love him but it makes it hard to be intimate when all I think about it how gross the kiss will be and I need to kiss to become and stay aroused. I have told him once that he needs to slow down and not kiss so hard and I did it in a nice way by complimenting the one time he did ok but he took it harshly and sometimes jokes about he does not want to kiss me wrong. I would feel horrible about telling him that he is a crappy kisser so what do I do?
That is tough, my situation is somewhat similar in that my husband is also inhibited and he is not the best lover, we have kissing issues too...and then some.
My H did open up a little through exposure to other ideas. This took a lot as he is always refusing to read anything. We started out only doing one position for a year - he didn't like to try anything new. I just exposed him however I could, tv shows, articles, comments about spicier things to try. What worked the most, and it was hard, was discussions with other couples, friends or people he respected. I would ease it into the conversation while at parties, or dinners and before long they would be yacking away about things they tried or like to do, sometimes way too much info for my H...lol. This opened my H up to trying new things.
Maybe u could tell your H that you want to try some new kissing techniques on him because you yourself feel a little sloppy/ rigid (try reverse psychology), and I would come right out and tell him you have a kissing "fetish" (for lack of a better term) and want to experiment with techniques and levels of softness.
My husband used to kiss me once in awhile, and now doesn't at all. I also need the kisses to become and stay aroused. I have asked him directly and indirectly, have tried to initiate kissing, but he jerks his face away. He does want intercourse, tho, his way, his time. I have told him what I need to feel good, and he has never once done any of those things since I mentioned them. We seem to have sex about 3 or 4 times a week. I enjoy it about once a month. I am very full of despair about this, and have ordered the sSM book. It should arrive next week. HELP!!!!
I have been living with this for many years. After we had been married about 5 years, my husband and I started counseling because he had incurred a fair amount of debt and then lied to me about it. In our counseling the conversation turned to sex. He said he wasn't satisfied with our sex life. I agreed. It has never been very good for me. My thought when we got married was that it would only get better. I was so wrong. It got worse and he got angry. In therapy I tried to tell him that I wasn't getting what I needed. I started with sloppy kissing (I said it more gently than that.) While the conversations helped me find other ways to enjoy being intimate with him he has never gotten past feeling that I don't like having sex with him.
His feelings have completely overwhelmed our marriage. I'm fairly certain at this point that he will never believe anything positive I say about our physicial relationship. I wish I could take everything I said back. At this point we are separated after more years of running up debt, internet sex followed by encounters with a prostitute.
We can't even address his spending issues because he immediately comes back to sex.
I don't have advice to address the situation well but I am painfully aware of the risks involved. I wish you better luck than I have had.
Neverland
Me...44
Him...40
Married for 15 years
Separated 6 months
2 kids (6,12)
