W decided to visit "friend" over the weekend. After flying there, she thought better of it, rented a car, and drove home. (A very long drive).
As of this minute, things are kaputt between them.
As of this minute, she wants my help in getting her life back in order. "No promises,though."
As of this minute, I'm cautiously optimistic. But I think this ride hasn't pulled back into the station. Less than a week ago, she was visiting divorce lawyers.
Any advice about how to proceed?
I don't want to pressure her, but then again I don't want things to sink back into limbo again.
I say proceed with caution. Be there, be her friend. Listen abd validate. Don't bring up any "suggestions" She does have to work things thru on her own.
Lissett is right. There is not much you can do but be there for her and put NO pressure of ANY kind on her. NONE. Keep living your life just like before.
W decided to visit "friend" over the weekend. After flying there, she thought better of it, rented a car, and drove home. (A very long drive).
As of this minute, things are kaputt between them.
Got some crappy questions for you:
She told you this? Or is this supposition?
They lie. What are the chances that she wasn't the one who ended this?
You cannot afford to be optimistic, this will crush you. Continue on as you have been.
If he is the one who ended this after she flew up there, then, this isn't over.
Do not advise her on what to do. Listen to her plans, and ASK questions about them but offer no advice or suggestions. Validate.
If this is truely what is going on with her, then be her friend, and exert no pressure upon her. Be comfortable in your skin and show her that you are comfortable being around her without needing her, and after a time of doing this, if she is still coming around then you might be able to be cautiously optimistic.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Well, I have a pretty good idea that this was her initiative. For example, she made mention of the fact that after she said she was leaving, he begged her to "come back to take care of him." As she said, he characterized himself as "desperate."
No kidding? Wow, I wouldn't have seen THAT in him.
She also reiterated her perception that he was a few bricks shy of a load. In her own words, she was "scared to be around a crazy person."
Among other things.
Now, you're right: this could all be a load of bull. But it matches with all the other complaints she's voiced about him over the months.
I'm not sure that this isn't the final scene between them, but it certainly is written like all the other "breakups" that have occurred over the last six months or so.
Now for my problem:
She asks me what to do. She ASKS for advice, etc. She talks about her mood swings and her self-destructive thoughts and ASKS me for help.
Where do I draw the line between answering her questions (for example, by suggesting a doctor visit) and "actively" suggesting things?
um, she sounds like my H but there is no OW in my picture as far as I know yet my H is using me as his therapist. I told him I can only do so much and then I have to protect my heart. Tell her the same and then tell her to get some professional help and that you are not paying for it!
Me 31 WAH 30 M 5 Together 14 years S 4 divorced 7/11/07
I guess ask her, "Ok you want help, you want me to listen while you sort things out, or you want my opinion? Tell me how you want me to help you. We both need to learn how to communicate again lets try this."
Rosey is also right protect yourself in this.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
In speaking yesterday, my W told me that the reason why she has resisted "coming back" to me has been that she still feels extremely hurt by our marriage.
In fact, she compared herself to an animal left outside in the cold.
She volunteered her perception that if she could get beyond this hurt she would be able to come back. She also said that she doesn't know how to do this.
She mentioned that she would have to read some books about it or something.
I simply said that I was there if there was anything I could do for her.
Mind you, this part of the conversation came after her observation that we had "drifted apart," the proof for which she found in the fact that I didn't know how the marriage was making her unhappy.
(I knew she was either depressed or very, very unsatisfied with CERTAIN THINGS in her life, but didn't know that the problem was me. Of course, that sounds familiar, doesn't it?)
My response: "Sorry. But I couldn't read your mind. Etc. Etc." Communication problems all over the place in the past are not exactly easy to hurdle when you're VERY careful about what you say.
Anyway, does anyone have some favorite books or other resources she might benefit from consulting?
