My W left me for 10 months after and A she had. She moved in with two guys and a girl and took my S with her there was lots of alchol and drugs involved on her part. The people she was with were pretty much scum. So one guy got thrown in the brig for a whole bunch of stuff, the girl moved back to texas than the other guy that was there bounced a check so my W had no place to go she turned to me and I took her in. The last guy also got thrown in jail for writing bad checks. Things have been kinda rough I do get told I love you by my W we have ML twice. We are currently seperated do to my mlitary obligations. But we had moved into a house together. Over christmas I had went home and had found a love letter to the guy in the brig. I was very upset. W said that it only was a passing tought and it went on for about three weeks nothing physical. She told me she wanted me. (the letter still gets to me) I was hoping W would want to jump on me like when we first got married but that is not the case, she likes her distance and she seems to suck up to me when she needs money. I don't know what to do I need help to make this work. She has left our house and is currently back in DE with her family to escape the element she was hanging around. Im trying what should I do? I aksed my friends and they say treat her bad because she is attractedto bad boys? any suggestions?
[quote=jmad4 I aksed my friends and they say treat her bad because she is attractedto bad boys? any suggestions?[/quote] For starters I wouldnt listen to your friends. You want to build a solid M, acting like a jerk isn't going to build the kind of M you want for life. She is prob still confused and wanted to "live it up", that's why she hanged around loosers who were as confused as her.
She needs a level headed loving H, which is what I think you want to be for her. My advice is to not play any more games, that kind of attitude brough nothing but dissention and arguments in my M in the past. I'm sure the move to Japan also has her a little rattled, so try to be supportive when she freaks out about that.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Thank you that is what I was wnating to hear. I feel bad because she is crying that she wants to get out of the house in DE. I give her money but she goes on little shopping sprees and its gone. So she is upset she is sitting around. Se thinks Im done here going out all the time I pretty muchsit in my room all day. Than she gets upset and sas at least I have the option to go out. What dos that mean she confuses me. She has just as much option as me.
Well tomorrow is payday time for W to be extra nice. I love her but I think that she likes money more than me. I am trying to see the positives but I don't know. Im hoping that things are really working out and she goes to japan with me. Are these normal feelings when a spouse first comes back?
She sounds more depressed than a shopaholic, sounds like she is trying to drown her sorrows shopping, and that's why she hits you for money, not because that's the only thing she wants from you. Do you guys talk daily? maybe if you guys had a daily interaction of how each other's day went she wouldn't feel like you are "having all the fun" while she has nothing to do.
She sure does need something to do, is there enough time for her to take a class, anything will do, music, art, dance, it will give her a goal, something to look forward to, time just for her. How much longer 'til Japan? there are all sorts of things to do out there, it could be a class from a community college or a rec center, the classes range from 3 weeks to 4mths. She sounds like she has low self seem, at least for now, if you can afford it suggest a C if she is willing.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I think that does make some sense. I will keep in mind that she could be depressed. I don't know im trying I thought that it would be she would come back and I love you come cuddle me lets ML and lets spend time together. I guess im disapointed that things didn't turn out that way, but Im and adult and im just happy enough to have my family back. I still wonder if she is thinking about someone else from time to time but she is still earning my trust back, and to an extent she doesn't understand that but she has violated my trust time in and time out while we were apart and even when we got back together. Im hoping she is wanting us to work and not using me till she can find someone else.
Jmad, Don't worry too much about her current level of commitment. Work on doing the right things that will eventually increase her commitment to you.
It's OK to have doubts, and feelings of mistrust, however don't let feelings poison your mental health, and the R. Work on being a person you can be proud of, no matter how she acts, or struggles with her issues.
Treat her as a friend who is struggling at this time. She needs your help. Lower your expectations of the M so that they are realistic at this time.
What's more important to assess is your level of commitment to the M. It sounds like you're not ready to "throw in the towel", therefore do what works to keep you happy and healthy, and to promote positives in the R.
Concerned_Listener
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Hi there, You don't say how old you and your wife are, but it sounds like she is quite immature. Are you reading any of Michele's books, especially Divorce Remedy? Also, if you can talk to a divorcebusting.coach, they will be able to guide you in the techniques that are talked about on this site. Being in the military adds another dimension to the issues, as you have a forced separation. It is important that you have contact and that the contact is constructive, and not angry or only about money...this is what the coachs are experts at helping you with. Best of luck.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
CL has great points. I also expected my H to be on the same pg as me when he came back. I wanted lots of reassurances, affection, the works. Instead I got nothing, my H was too torn from the mess he gotten himself into, had no selfconfidence and nothing to offer me. Plus, all he had to go by was bad memories of all those years of neglect and rejection of my part and a promise by me that I'd changed. It was very scary and a leap of faith for him to move back and try again.
Be her friend right now, your M needs to be built from the ground up, the affection will come later, when you connect a bit better. For the first months we barely ML, but each month the frequency increase, and it's so much better now. I used to have my low times and felt so unwanted, my H always told me to be patient and to relax.
Give it time jmad, piecing takes a while, but each moth will be better.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I am 26 and my W is 24 and we have S 3 and M 5. She is definatly on the immature side, I see her trying to be an adult but she keeps saying she missed out on stuff nd she wants to relive the years she missed. Im trying to tell her we have a S and I need her support in raising him and that doesn't mean parting all night. So I have see her make steps towards making more mature decisions. I try to understand that we did get married young, and that "we are not old" So I try to do fun things with her. Well anyway today we had a good convo. about her thoughts on the war I listened didn't totaly agree, she doesn't realize that I went to Iraq to help set up stuff while she was pregnant it was only for a few weeks but I never told her because I didn't want to have her loose another baby due to stress or anything else. She actually said I like talking to you because you listen to what I say and you don't try to force your veiws on me. I love this woman and I do feel like we have grown apart to an extent since the 10 month sep. but, I think it is something we can work past, hopefully asap although im sure like everything it will take awhile.
