A little background. My husband and I have been together for 12 years, married 11. I am 30 and he is 34. We have 4 children together, oldest is 10. He sprung the news on me that he wanted a divorce as we were in the process of moving and buying a house. He said he was going through a tough time in his life and didn't love me anymore. He wasn't cheating on me, but at the time, I had my suspicions. This all started 7 months ago when he told me he thought we should get a divorce. In that time, he went out to sea for 4 months. He told me to move on with my life, get over our marriage and try to be happy. We emailed all the time while he was gone, but he never gave me any hope whatsoever that things would change. He always told me it was too late for him, he checked out a long time ago and I need to get over it. We got along great up to the weekend before all of this happened, so naturally, I thought he was cheating on me. I even found a few emails from a girl he had written. He has told me many times that he never cheated on me and I have to believe him until he tells me differently. He told me that if I were to go out and have sex with anyone else, he wouldn't blame me because of the way he had been treating me. I went out one night with my sister to dinner and when I got home, he asked me if I hooked up with anyone (this was right at the beginning of all of this talk). Fast forward a few months ago. He got back from sea and things between us were still messed up. The animosity was unreal. He said he would move out, talk to a lawyer and do what we needed to do to get the ball rolling. He kept dragging his feet. In the meantime, I would take any chance I could to tell him I loved him. I still love him very much. He is the love of my life. Well, after many repeated times of him telling me to move on and things were over, I did. It was just recently that I did have an affair with someone and told my husband last night. It was a one time thing and I made a huge mistake. I regret every second of it. I honestly did not think he would care because he told me he didn't love me and in fact, even suggested when he got from sea that we bring other people into our marriage. He said he would like to see me with another man. So, now that I went and did what he told me to, I am the bad guy. He called his parents and told them (since he had no one else to talk to) so now they all think I am this horrible person. He confessed to his mom that he had made the decision to stay and try to work things out for the kids sake but now, things would change. I mean, why couldn't he tell me this instead of telling me the total opposite? When he is here, we rarely talk to each other. We just pretty much co-exist in our house. I have lost alot of weight going through this and he never even once told me how nice I looked since he has been home. I made the biggest mistake of my life. Do you think that there is any way we can get past this? I have been crying so much that my eyes are almost swollen shut. In the 12 years we have been together, even enduring many military separations, I have never been unfaithful to him until this one time where I truly believed my marriage to be over. I have hurt him beyond belief, but at the same time, he hurt me by treating me like crud for the past 7 months and telling me to go out and do this stuff. I am not making excuses for myself because I am taking responsibility for my actions. I am just so upset right now that I cant even function. He leaves for school tomrrow for 3 weeks so I am hoping that will give him some time to cool off and maybe think about things.
Quote: I honestly did not think he would care because he told me he didn't love me and in fact, even suggested when he got from sea that we bring other people into our marriage.
Don't know quite what to say... My STBX told me he didn't love me the least little bit anymore, and so I got into a new R myself -- which I am quite happy with. But then, I chose rather carefully and made sure that whether I stay in it or not, I will be better for having had another R. If STBX ever wakes up (and changes) and I get back with him, or whether the new R doesn't last, I will know how to cook and so anyone would benefit.
Will he blame me down the road? Quite possibly, but throughout 30 years of marriage he didn't really try to meet my needs and was making me dependent, even though I kept saying things were going wrong and I wanted an allowance and for him to stop taking care of me so much. So leaving me completely high and dry and expecting me to just live completely alone without a man in my life was unrealistic.
Frankly I think the WAS just do whatever they can to deflect the blame from themselves -- when really it's the fault of both parties. They feel guilty, so they can't stand even the littlest bit of blame. Telling other people it's your fault as if that were end of story is absolutely unfair. Did he confess to his mom that he had told you it was over and he did not love you? Because any sane person could see the hurt involved in that and see that the guilt should be shared, not put on one person.
Yes, you made a mistake, compounding his mistake. But expecting someone to not need comforting at such a time is unrealistic. Then too, perhaps you needed to test whether it was really over for both of you and that's why the PA. In any case, you will find a lot of us here that have messed things up one way or another, so take comfort in the fact that you are not alone!
BluePoet
*M:50 WAH/PA:47 *M:29+ *Bomb:10/13/06 *Sep:10/17/06(me in house) *H wants D-11/30/06 *01/08/07- Me - NG, New R *2/26/07- filing of D *5/29/07- D final *08/25/07- Me - New R ends. - is ex-h living with OW? *D:32, S:24
welcome to the boards, but - sorry that events have conspired to bring you here.
Military life, tours of duty, etc, seem especially conducive to the situation you have described.
Your first task is to try to take on board that this is NOT about YOU. It is about HIM and there is little or nothing you can do to change him. However, there is much you can do for yourself - and in doing so you are more likely to make progress with your M. I counsel you to seek support immediately from friends, family, and here on these boards, where many wise heads congregate. Read the postings here, and get the books Michele has written, espectially DR. Place faith in your higher power. Your H is on a journey of his choosing. Don't pursue him. Devote your energies for the time being on yourself and your children. You will be amazed at the results.
welcome to the boards, but - sorry that events have conspired to bring you here.
Military life, tours of duty, etc, seem especially conducive to the situation you have described.
Your first task is to try to take on board that this is NOT about YOU. It is about HIM and there is little or nothing you can do to change him. However, there is much you can do for yourself - and in doing so you are more likely to make progress with your M. I counsel you to seek support immediately from friends, family, and here on these boards, where many wise heads congregate. Read the postings here, and get the books Michele has written, espectially DR. Place faith in your higher power. Your H is on a journey of his choosing. Don't pursue him. Devote your energies for the time being on yourself and your children. You will be amazed at the results.
I appreciate it. H is taking none of the blame. Its now all my fault now. I moved on like he wanted, yet I am the bad guy and the breaker of our marriage. I NEVER once cheated on him until a few weeks ago after he told me to move on so many times because there was no hope. He said I repulsed him before but now he couldnt stand to look at me. He has put me through hell over the past 7 months, yet the deal breaker comes from what I did. I know he is hurt after only finding out last night. His mom did this to his dad (but carried on an affair for a few months) and his dad forgave her and they are better than ever. As far has H is concerned, its over and there is no way to fix it. I am absolutely distraught. When we first started this 7 months ago, I did get the DB book and it helped me tremendously. But when you constantly hear how things are over, you need to move on, etc, etc, how can you not just move on? I sat and waited for so long for things to get better and they never did. I love him with every fiber of my being, but he doesnt feel the same way. I messed up. I just got to quit crying and focus on my kids for awhile. My wish more than anything in the world would be for him to come back but as of right now, thats not gonna happen. I dont get it. I know he is hurt, but how can he be hurt when he doesnt love me anymore? I honestly thought he was the one cheating from the very beginning, but he has sworn over and over thats not the case. I still have my doubts because its fun to make me look like the bad guy. He told me that if I were to do anything that he wouldnt blame me because I had needs and he has treated me like crap for so long. He has told me this so many times, I have lost count. I wish there was some way to repair things, but I dont know. I told his mom when we first started going through all of this that if it came out that he was cheating, I could forgive him because I loved him so much. Now that he situation is reversed, I am walking around with the scarlet letter. He even told his mom he had decided to stay for the kids. Well, was he really gonna stay or is he just trying to make me look like the bad guy here? Either way, we are both to blame, yet I am the one taking the brunt of it all. It sucks and I will just go cry and deal with it.
I know it is easier said than done, but don't continue to blame yourself for the condition of the M. If the person I loved continue to tell me they have lost love for me and wanted me to move on, I would have taken their advice to so as to stop the pain. I did something similar. I contacted FOM mainly for emotional needs. Like you I discovered it did not provide me with what I need. You had the courage to tell your H. Don't loss that courage now to fight for your M.
Take petey2DB advice and work on yourself. There is little you can do about him.
I heard the "just move on with your life" comment over and over to. I to waited and waited and was rejected many times over. I finally did move on, but guess what?? I got the same reaction from her that you got from your H.
I don't feel guilty about it and neither should you. We are only human and we were not the ones to walk out on our marriage without giving our partner a chance. He put you in this situation and I know you were thinking the same thing I was... that it was over!
Don't be so hard on yourself.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
I heard the "just move on with your life" comment over and over to. I to waited and waited and was rejected many times over. I finally did move on, but guess what?? I got the same reaction from her that you got from your H.
I don't feel guilty about it and neither should you. We are only human and we were not the ones to walk out on our marriage without giving our partner a chance. He put you in this situation and I know you were thinking the same thing I was... that it was over!
Don't be so hard on yourself.
I guess I forgot to mention that it was with one of his friends. I think he is more upset with his friend than with me. He told me if he ever saw him again, he was going to beat the crap out of him. He said it wasnt because of us, it was because his friend betrayed him. I know I made a huge mistake and shouldn't have done what I did. It was just a one time thing. I feel so guilty. I cannot quit crying. I have tried to be with him and get him to make a decision so many times. I too would get rejected over and over. For some reason, I still love him more than anything even though he has treated me so bad for so long. The blame is being placed all on me now. He is taking no responsibility although this morning he told me that he couldnt blame me for what I did, he just didnt think I would do it. I didnt think I would either. Had our marriage been all I love yous and flowers, etc. I would have never cheated on him. I never have in the 12 years we were together until now when I was convinced that my marriage was over. He even told his parents that he had made the decision to stay and try to work things out for the kids sake. I dont know if he really was or not because he hasnt told me. I am suffering big time and I feel like a huge tramp. I just want his forgiveness but he says that there is no chance whatsoever.
