HELP ! Wondering if you could provide some insight for me … We are entering year 3 of this mess and are separated. I cannot post all of the down and dirty but you can look me up to get an idea.
From reading a lot of the resources here it seems that H is stuck in the tunnel and exhibiting signs of Replay, Withdrawal and Depression. Seems to have been this way for sometime as we had a few touch and goes this summer which actually offered me that elusive HOPE. All to end up with even worse behavior (extremely secretive, much more hostile and distanced, not really a person that I like or enjoy being around most of the time, and projecting).
When someone is like this, do they come out? Is it worth waiting for ? I am tired and worn from this battle and trying to figure out how to recharge my batteries if I plan to stay in this game …
Are there any success stories out there of people who stood for 3-4 years and things did work out?
I have been at this as long as you. They can exhibit signs from more than one stage. But for the mlcer to clearly move on then they need to leave that stage completely. So your h needs to completely be out of replay. But the trick here is that they bounce around a lot. So even if it seems he is out of replay he may go back and forth for awhile.
As for success stories in this time frame well most posters leave the board before this time so we never know if they reconciled or not.
But it is up to you to decide if you are going to ride this out and for how long.
Going through MLC is very similar to going through the Grief Process.
It does not have a set timeline nor does it have a set pattern. No two people grieve exactly alike and no two people go through MLC exactly the same way.
Some go through MLC faster and smoother some go through with many experiences that create damage to relationships and careers, and some never leave the MLC experience.
There is no way that I am aware of in telling where a person is at and how long before they leave MLC. They can go through a certain part of the experience and down the road go back and relive that experience all over again.
Only you can decide on how long to hold onto hope. If it will take another 5 years for your H to get through this, will you wait? How about 10 years?
There is talk about the average being between 3-5 years. It's like telling a person that they have between 3-5 years left to live after being diagnosed with cancer.
There are always the extremes where some may die within 3 months and some will live for 20+ years and everything in between.
My sense is, that the longer the MLC lasts, the lower the % of success stories.
I say this for one major reason. The LBS grows tired of living their life waiting and hoping for a miracle to happen.
Their comes a point where the LBS decides it's time to "move on" with their life. This "moving on" can mean different things to different people.
For some it means closing the door to the possibility of a future reconciliation. To others, it means to get on with ones live and enjoy everday and all the beauty of life itself. They let go of all expectations and move forward open to all possibilities.
There are unlimited possibilites when one is open to whatever life brings. There are limited possibilities when one holds on to only a certain outcome as the only option.
Whatever you decide will be right for you. No one can tell you when is the right time to "let go" or that you should hold out for getting back together with your H.
I hope this helps in thinking through what is best for you.
I have been at this as long as you. They can exhibit signs from more than one stage. But for the mlcer to clearly move on then they need to leave that stage completely. So your h needs to completely be out of replay. But the trick here is that they bounce around a lot. So even if it seems he is out of replay he may go back and forth for awhile.
As for success stories in this time frame well most posters leave the board before this time so we never know if they reconciled or not.
But it is up to you to decide if you are going to ride this out and for how long.
Mermaid,
This seems like a bad version of deal or no deal...So, they have to be totally out of a stage before they can move on. Wow ! This is deeper than even I thought. Seems like H may have a chronic case of having things too good for even himself. Lives with Mom rent free, comes and goes from my house under the guise of visiting the kids as he pretty much wishes. So, i have started to put a stop to him coming to my house as much and have started to off load some of the responsibilities of the children off on him. That has helped me set some boundaries . I just have to figure out how much longer I can take this type of one, two punch. This just sucks ...
Going through MLC is very similar to going through the Grief Process.
It does not have a set timeline nor does it have a set pattern. No two people grieve exactly alike and no two people go through MLC exactly the same way.
Some go through MLC faster and smoother some go through with many experiences that create damage to relationships and careers, and some never leave the MLC experience.
There is no way that I am aware of in telling where a person is at and how long before they leave MLC. They can go through a certain part of the experience and down the road go back and relive that experience all over again.
Only you can decide on how long to hold onto hope. If it will take another 5 years for your H to get through this, will you wait? How about 10 years?
There is talk about the average being between 3-5 years. It's like telling a person that they have between 3-5 years left to live after being diagnosed with cancer.
There are always the extremes where some may die within 3 months and some will live for 20+ years and everything in between.
My sense is, that the longer the MLC lasts, the lower the % of success stories.
I say this for one major reason. The LBS grows tired of living their life waiting and hoping for a miracle to happen.
Their comes a point where the LBS decides it's time to "move on" with their life. This "moving on" can mean different things to different people.
For some it means closing the door to the possibility of a future reconciliation. To others, it means to get on with ones live and enjoy everday and all the beauty of life itself. They let go of all expectations and move forward open to all possibilities.
There are unlimited possibilites when one is open to whatever life brings. There are limited possibilities when one holds on to only a certain outcome as the only option.
Whatever you decide will be right for you. No one can tell you when is the right time to "let go" or that you should hold out for getting back together with your H.
I hope this helps in thinking through what is best for you.
Love, Paul
Paul, Thank you so much for pulling me in off of the ledge.
I am desperately trying to not to close any doors, I love my H. That is I love the man that he was, the passive aggressive, controlling monster that shows up on my door regularly who resembles my H I dislike very much.
It is frustrating being on the receiving end of all of this. I try to keep my chin up, I try to stay motivated by keeping myself busy, focusing on my kids and other family members, I try to keep myself motivated by reading this site and looking for any inkling of change.I try to figure out how much more of this I can stand and still look myself in the face, wondering am I just being a fool. I pray and have developed a closer relationship with God. I thank Him for my friends who are sometimes literally propping me up.
I admit I did great damage to our relationship but H is now killing it altogether- almost pouring acid on it.
I am trying not to rush to any decisions which is why I post here and ask questions and look for insight but ... I am feeling my threshold for pain tolerance drawing closer and I have delivered 3 kids with no meds ...
I am not sure that I would move on to the point of closing the door to all possibilities at this stage but I know that that decision is lurking on the horizon.
EH...I'm glad my post to Nicola has helped you some and thank you for stopping by my thread.
I think you received some good advice already wrt MLC and how long it can last. It is not an exact science although I did put a timeline together, just as a guideline, to help me determine when it may have started for my H and possibly when it could end. You could read it in my thread Thread #6- Preparing for a New Year & New Beginning continues
What I have come to understand is that you don't put your life on hold. Do not choose between waiting for your H to return OR start dating. Think of it as LIVING. Allow what God has planned for you, to happen.
Most of us met our S without really looking for them, but we met, became friends and then a R grew. So what if this is what God wants for you down the road? Will you reject it, still waiting for your H? I know some people may disagree with me but there is nothing wrong with making new friends of the opposite sex. If something develops, it is up to you where you want to take it; continue to simply be friends or take it to the next level. Just like you can not control your H's decision to return, why allow him to control the direction of your life.
If you and your H are meant to be, it will be whether you sit and wait or whether you find other open doors. Sometimes, if the WAS suspects that there may be OP, they start to notice. If they don't then, you will also know. Yes, the longer the MLCer's journey, the slimmer the chance of reconciliation but it is not impossible.
I do not believe that God wants us to wait for something that may never happen. What a waste of a beautiful life. God wants us to learn...learn that we need to go through this time to correct our own issues...learn that in doing so, our WAS will notice and return, or....learn that we have become a better human being and it is time to share ourself with someone else.
So, IMO, just LIVE and enjoy life and see what happens.
Me: 49 - S22 & S26 H: 41 - No kids M: 10/00 Bomb New Year's Day 2006 H living w OW 01/07; have baby 12/07 D final 07/07 Thread #9 - Hope Lives On
I am feeling my threshold for pain tolerance drawing closer and I have delivered 3 kids with no meds ...
LOL! I did that too, and I would gladly do it again rather than go through this!
Quote:
I am not sure that I would move on to the point of closing the door to all possibilities at this stage but I know that that decision is lurking on the horizon.
I've come to the conclusion that this is actually a good thing, to know that that option is there. You can choose to be still...or not. Knowing that you could end it is freeing in a way.
Love, Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
