I have been posting in newcomers for a while and have asked one or two questions before about MLC but didn't get any response. I thought if I started something here some of you experts might help me out.
Brief resume: W of 20 odd years told me at the end of Sept. that her feelings for me had changed last winter and she now loved me as a best friend and nothing more. 7 weeks later she was seeing someone else for parties and sex once a week. She said she didn't want anything serious with him. We continued to live together until 10 days ago when I asked her to leave. Only contact since then has been texts, in which she seems odd e.g. thanking me repeatedly for things I've done.
My question is, is this a MLC?
For: she is 42 (today) she suffers from low self esteem and acknowledges this> broke down about it 2 weeks ago she has seemed depressed for a while said her guilt was 'consuming' her she has always been a big drinker but this seems to have got worse over the last year or so obviously the affair, with another big drinker feels life is passing her by wears a mask of being ok, but it slips sometimes has had recurrent dreams about a car she owned in her early 20s used to be very concerned about her looks, isn't really bothered any more
Against: Our relationship had stagnated so it might have nothing to do with MLC apart from one time she hasn't been really unpleasant to me, although she hardened herself certainly
Currently, I know she's upset and is very tearful (other people have told me this). Is this consistent with MLC?
First, I'm sorry you find yourself here in our wacky world of MLC. The good news is, you will find much support here.
As to whether or not your W is having a MLC...I can't answer that definitively, and I doubt anyone else can either. But the good news, again, is I'm not sure it matters. For if you continue to work on yourself and act as if it is MLC, you won't do your marriage any harm and you may do yourself and your M a great deal of good!
You don't mention whether you want to stay married, or whether she has mentioned D. If the former, then there are many resources available. Have you read the resources thread at the top of the board? That is a great and wonderfully informative place to start.
There are several posters on here whose spouse's MLCs seem to be complicated by alcohol issues. One is sunflower. You might read some of her posts. Also, if you are "bothered" by your W's drinking, whether or not she admits to being alcoholic, you might find AlAnon a great resource for working on yourself and regaining your own life.
I'm just throwing out thoughts quickly. I'm sure you're getting the drift, that working on you during all this is really the only thing you can control. Your poor W is just going to have to muddle through this, and hopefully at some point decide to face her issues and work on them.
Keep posting JBF, there are plenty of folks on here willing to listen and support you.
I do want to keep the R going but find that hard to hang on to when she seems so adamant it's over. I guess I'm looking to understand her and how we got here better. At the moment I can't face seeing her, though I know she wants to resume a friendship a.s.a.p. I may see her on Saturday when she collects our D to take her out, I haven't decided if I'm ready yet.
I am working on myself and although I'm grieving at the moment, I feel reasonably positive about the changes I have and will make in my life.
I know it is hard to keep the will to stay married when the WAS seems so determined to NOT be married. But if she hasn't filed, then you have every reason to give it some time.
I totally understand about wanting to "understand"! I am very, very analytical that way, and can't stand not to "know."
If your W grew up in an alcoholic household, there is a book called "Perfect Daughters" that might really be helpful to you in understanding her. If she had a traumatic childhood that didn't include alcohol, there is still a great deal posted on these boards that can help you understand her.
At the most fundamental level, though, the message is pretty simple. You didn't cause it, and you can't cure it, change it, or stop it. She has to work through it (or not) herself, on her own time.
