I found out almost 3 weeks ago that my wife of 3.5 years (co-habited for 8 years, together for a total of 10 years) was having a short affair with another man (and still is).
She is 32 and I am 33.
She has decided that she wants to get out more and enjoy life (I can be a homely person and have quite a stressful job) and there is absolutely nothing I can do to stop her. We are to be legally separated as soon as possible.
With 24 hours of me discovering her affair she was looking for a place to stay and some 2/3 weeks later she has almost got somewhere.
I quickly involved a solicitor to make sure I knew what could happen financially and there is a possibility in the next few weeks that we can come to a financial agreement.
The bit I don't get (maybe I'm just too weak to understand) is that she has absolutely no interest in saving our marriage.
We didn't fight (physically or verbally) - we just drifted apart and didn't communicate like we used to. We took each other for granted and forgot why we were together. She says she has known that the marriage was over for some time and spent a lot of time grieving but never really told me about it.
Now all this has happened I'm happy to take a big share of the blame - I know where I went wrong (she's confirmed these things) and I know what I need to do to change. But she says it is too late, the damage is done and there is no chance.
I've suggested counselling etc. but again she has shown no interest. She has given me the "I love you, but I am not in love with you line".
She says she still cares for me and doesn't want to hurt me and this is one reason she has to get away from me and never see me again as quickly as possible.
I've tried very hard to agree with everything she has said and avoid conflict but this has been difficult. I've also tried hard not to plead with her but I've had to tell her that I do love her - If I didn't and she leaves then I would never forgive myself.
She admits she may be going through some sort of crisis but feels so sure that us not being together is what she MUST do.
I've been struggling to come to terms with this as it really did come out of the blue for me, despite there being warning signs I stupidly thought it would never come to this.
Foolishly we slept together last night, she was drunk and it just happened – before it happened she said it wouldn’t change anything and would never happen again – today she confirmed this.
My wife has always been strong willed to the extent that she is very seldom wrong in her own mind - she has openly been persuading herself that this is the right thing to do.
Is this MLC - do I have any chance of salvaging something from my marriage other than my own sanity?
Many thanks in advance for any insight.
K
Me 33 WAW 32 Married 3.5 yrs Together 10 yrs W moved out 9/2/2007 (UK Format) Previous Thread
Is it MLC? Not enough information about her back ground. Time will tell, and reading those resources will help you determine if it is.
You want answers, something solid, Answers you can believe will be few and far between if this an MLC. But as for something solid, the support from this board is an amazing thing.
Vent, rail, cry, journal here. With your wife, do everything opposite what your heart and gut tell you to do at first.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Things I can tell you about her background. She had a very unhappy childhood with her mother leaving when she was young (not sure what age but she remembers it). Has never had any contact with her mother since and still doesn't know why she left. Has considered contacting her mother for about 2 years but has not yet done anything.
She hates her father's wife and in the end fell out with her father for 18 months with little or no contact (leaving her very hurt). She has only partially reconcilled in the last week due to our impending separation.
She has always been insecure but also forthright (possibly as a defence mechanism) at the same time.
Me 33 WAW 32 Married 3.5 yrs Together 10 yrs W moved out 9/2/2007 (UK Format) Previous Thread
What if it is not mlc? We don't know much on that, as most of us have been so focused on the mlc syndrome.
What do you hope to find as a magic answer to mlc? Most of us would not still be here months or years later if there was one.
She could be mlc, or quarter life crisis, or just running away to someone else. There is another article on this forum, or the fortysixty.com site, about the evolution of an affair. It lays out how they begin innocently enough between acquaintences or friends and evolve into life crisis.
The runaway spouse can not LOVE two people at one time, and has become certain they love the other new person. This addictive new endorphine rush is hard to combat. The more you try, the more you are pushing the spouse into a corner they will defend to your death.
Of course, the best way for them to avoid the pangs of guilt for all their lies, all their deciet, cheating and adulterous acts ... is to end the M. At the very least they must convince you this is your fault and that you must let them go.
Now, read the DB or DR book. At least read some of the newcomer Do and Don't rules for DB on this forum. Examples:
Stop Begging Immediately ... it puts them in that corner Do not discuss the M, or R ... you won't like the answers Do not discuss the Affair ... see above
You can be a wonderfully happy person for them to see, if you can be a wonderful actor.
You can do things to distract yourself, and begin to forgive yourself because friend, you did not cause this. They will be happy to let you think so. It serves their need to be guilt free very well.
Contrary to some other web guidelines, do not snoop. See above, you will not like the answers.
MLC can run its course. MLC can not be discouraged or counseled away. The M will not always survive MLC. It is not in your control. The only thing you control is you. Do this. Defend your sanity. Do not focus every breath on this, even though the rest of us all do/did/might.
Get a book on understanding mlc, learn what it is if you think it is behind this. There are several by Conway. MLC will almost always be accompanied by an affair(s), spending, new clothes, new friends, right out of the books.
This is more about her childhood years, percieved lost youth, and low self esteem than anything. You can not change history or her own perceptions of life. If she is mlc, she in entering a time of change and must go there alone; unless you can accept and tolerate all the sh!t that comes with a mlc partner. It is a toxic life to exist on.
If you don't resist her wanting her own place, money, and freedom ... she may allow you to continue to be her absentee H for a couple years while this runs its course ... or not. Is that what you want in life for yourself?
Life wants you to let her go emotionally (mentally detach), but be her friend if you can, and be there for her when this all passes ... in a couple years, or five. I am not trying to make you feel better. We can't. I won't lie to you.
You are not alone, and we are all here to help if we can. Our best help is going to be to guide you toward knowledge and saving your sanity while you deal with this in whatever manner you choose. Many here have chosen to "stand" for their M, even after it was lost. Some have seen victory. We are an assorted sack of nuts!!!!
