MJ, My wife has a pet bunny and he is pretty quick to stick up for himself. I saw him one take a nip at one of our cats when he didn't like what the cat was doing. Check out Bun Bun in the online comic sluggy freelance. He is a bad bunny with an attitude and a switchblade! http://www.sluggy.com Also check out this bunny video at Ifilm http://www.ifilm.com/video/2813198 Rabbits may be soft and cuddly but they do have teeth and will use them!
LOL- Well, I would say that I'm the kind of bunny whose power is in her bounce.
Another problem with my femininity mantra is I have no clue when I would use it. Cobra can use a masculinity mantra when he's doing reps but it doesn't really make sense for me to be telling myself that I'm soft while I'm at the gym-LOL.
Anyway, here is a recent situation in which my H acted as though I was challenging his masculinity. I would value any input about how I could have done better.
We are in the process of refinancing our home. The process started because my H approached me with the issue that we were getting ripped off on our home equity loan. Now in the past we had a dysfunctional dynamic that went like:
H: Complains about something in cr*bby manner. Mojo: Is motivated to solve problem due to HD because she doesn't want H to be cr*bby and LD. So she does her best to solve it.
Time Goes By
H: Complains because Mojo didn't solve problem in the way that he would have liked.
So I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't.
Okay, nowadays we're on a different page and I refuse to let my sex drive dictate my behavior in my relationship vis a vis being "forced" to be the problem solver and blamed if my solution isn't perfect. So, when my H brought up the home equity/refinance problem, the first thing I semi-consciously did was to ask myself if this was my problem to solve. Obviously, it was half my problem to solve since I pay half the mortgage so I did some of the initial research work. I took on this responsibility because I am home more and I am the one who has handled pretty much all of the finance issues in the past. However, this might have been a mistake. Anyway, at this point, I need some input from my H. Our situation has some complexity and there are a lot of flavors of financial products out there these days. The problem is since I've always just handled this stuff on my own in the past my H has no clue about any of this stuff. He repeatedly blows me off when I try to initiate a conversation on the matter. Finally, he agrees to sit down and discuss the issue. Since I am aware that he is not conversant with all the terms involved, I come to the conversation prepared to do some explaining. I would say that my manner was mostly feminine as I tried to explain, I was in "nice teacher you want to give an apple to" mode but my H flipped out on me because he couldn't stand that I knew this sh*t and he didn't. Halfway through the convo he very rudely said to me "If you can't define PMI in five words or less, don't f*cking bother.". Because I am clearly insane, I actually sat there quietly and tried to think up a 5 word definition for PMI. Now in the past, my typical response would be to tear up when he yelled at me. My second place response would have been to get angry and defensive. However, this time my most immediate response after just sitting there quietly was to feel sorry for him. I guess my question is where do I go with that feeling?
I see my behavior in the past as interfering with my H's growth in the following manner. In the past I would have just given up on discussing the issue when he yelled at me. I would have gone ahead and just done the refinance on my own. But then, as I indicated previously, a while down the road I would quite possibly found myself taken to task because I chose an ARM rather than a Fixed or made a bad decision tax-wise etc... and I am SICK of always having the responsibility for everything put on me. Also, another typical sort of thing that might happen would be my H and I are at a party (obviously a boring one)and the topic of interest rates comes up and me in my usual bouncy bunny fashion starts babbling about what I've recently learned about the new financial products available and my H gets p*ssy because he can't contribute to the conversation so I'm making him look stupid or unmanly and once again I am in a situation in which I am unlikely to get laid that evening after the party. If I repress my bounce in an effort to be more feminine, I just don't feel like myself. I am unhappy. So, when I'm angry it's because I want to put the blame on my H and say that he needs to act more masculine and pro-active and then he won't have to feel like we're in competition.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
The way your H feels because you know sh!t and he doesn't is entirely his problem and not yours at all. So you can either go ahead with the finance stuff on your own, include him and get snipped at, or let him do it on his own, or some combination of the above. You need to figure out what would make YOU feel best among the available REALISTIC options. The option where he behaves like a grownup is not realistic, so don't waste your time on that one.
I could relate to this entire post. I was such a loser that I would personalize my H's defensive, jerky responses. I have been stretching myself to take care of some of the more feminine chores of the household. I bought a crockpot and decided to cook my first meal in it today since H is off from work and I knew he's be interested. I thought it would be a fun together project, and I erroneously believed he would support me in this endeavor, esp since I am insecure in cooking ( ridiculous because I was a capable chemistry student in college). Anyway, what could have been a nice bonding experience turned into a jerky critique...and hear's the thing, I didn't get sad, didn't get angry, didn't feel sorry for myself ( okay just a bit), didn't feel sorry for him...what I did in that space was make a joke about it all! So, in answer to your question, I would say fill the space with humor...it's really the healthiest defense!
You know what,LP. You are right. After I finished that post, I was doing some housework absent-mindedly and the thought/feeling of "I so much do not want to be married to this man any more." just washed over me like a wave. I think I may need to leave this BB for a while. It's too much like a bunny-hole for me.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Jenny, You know..you don't have to take on all the responsibility that your H attempts to dump on you. In the mortgage situation, you could have tossed the paperwork at him and turned it over to him saying "You can either do it yourself or we can do it together but you can't dump it on me and then get pissy about how I'm explaining it." And leave it up to him. Stop trying to smooth things over, it just makes him worse.
Fwiw, I had the exact same thing happen with my H a week ago or so. It seems that men have a problem having something explained to them by their wife, most especially if it concerns finances..? The difference is that my H calms down a lot faster and isn't adept at all at throwing out verbal jabs.
Anyhoo, please give that muthafreaker a message from HP: 1.Insurance 2. in 3. case 4. you 5. default. So there Mr. Wilson.
HP, what's with the extra 't'? Is is pronounced honeypot with an extra emphasis on the 't' like whatsisname on Harry Potter does...making it sound very sinister or like you are pissed, or is it pronounced like the way Iced-T pronounces it...you know making it Honeypottie? :-) Hmm, no emoticons in the message anymore either. Anyway, I wasn't sure it was you or someone new come along until this post with your reference to Mr.Wilson and whatnot.
I think she had to register under a new name-- or thought she did. I see that a few people have slightly altered names.
Did you think aliens had taken overr herr bodyy?
If you use the quick reply box like I'm doing, the emoticon menu is not there. You can still insert them if you remember what they are. In order to view the emoticon palette, you have to use the reply box at the bottom of the post, as with the old board. But then you have to wait for a new screen to load and some of us are impatient.
