I think there are certain techniques that are useful for different stages. I don't think strong detaching is needed for you guys at this time. Like you said, the 180's and act as ifs, are definite techniques to keep up.
Yeah you're probably right about the detaching Trip. Its a little like I've brainwashed myself into all these things I'm not "allowed" to do and my brain hasn't yet realised we're in a slightly different sitch now and some things are "allowed" again. Thanks for the good luck wishes!
Me 34
H 33
S2
Together 10yrs
Married 6yrs
Bomb 12th Aug 06
Ok, so maybe some of ya'll can explain this one to me. I went out last night, I coach 5-7 year olds basketball and played a game of raquetball for exercise. When I got home my W was there with my D13, I knew she would be there. I expected her to do the usual and get her stuff together and leave. She didnt, she kind of lingered around for about an hour.
I fealt fairly wierd, I kept busy, doing dishes, taking out the trash, etc.... I wanted, strange as it sounds for her to leave. I believe that I have gotten so used to her leaving right away that I have come to realize that when she stays around it hurts more when she does go. I didn't say anything to her about it, but I am sure she sensed something. Is this odd????
I don't quite know how to get past this feeling, do I interact and work through the awkwardness or do what I did last night and stay busy? It was one of the stranges feelings I have ever had.
I'm guessing that, now that you have learned to stand on your own two feet and do things for yourself, you have come to value your privacy and "me time". Perhaps you are afraid that if W lingers around you won't get that, or that you two are in danger of backsliding into a more dependent way of interacting?
I may be way off base. You said that it hurts when she hangs around - can you be more specific about what you're feeling and what you would like to see happen instead?
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
Well Rob, what I meant by it hurts is that the longer she is around me the harder it is when she leaves. I go through periods of extreme sadness and feel very incomplete when she goes. I know it sounds like dependancy or not being detached, but it's not. Just sadness, I am always fine on my own, I'd just rather be with her.
You know Ian, I lived a good part of my marriage on my own and I totally got what you are saying because this is how I felt when my husband would return from longer trips away. I actually felt awkward around him and had to adjust to his presence all over again. I think the in limbo part of you guys not coming fully together is hard for you right now. Just breathe and know that what your are feeling is normal.
Thanks Trip, and I do here you about the "breathe" part of it. What really sucks is I feel like such a whiner about even bringing it up here. People must think I am nuts complaining about anything right now
You have spent so much time learning how to detach and learning how to shut up and learning how to just be you that now you sort of have to be reprogrammed!
Now you have to learn how to reattach rather then detach.
This is why piecing is so hard but yet rewarding. You will have a whole new relationship with your wife.
Be patient with yourself, it takes time.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
