Hello all, It has been around two years since my W had an EA. We had sevreal issues at that time and dealt with them all in the wrong way. After both of us decided to work things out and stay together we attended therapy and counseling both together and apart. Things got better and we learned how to communicate better and learned how to handle things. Recently we had new problems, mostly due to my inability to find work which caused severe stress on us and our M. My W gave me an ultimatum and a time period in which to find work or she was leaving, she still loved me but couldnt handle the stress anymore. We worked through that (and recently I did manage to find work) however the issues have caused some old problems of mine to return, mostly insecurity and anxiety over our M and R. She feels that I should be over this by now since her EA was two years ago. I am working on it but am having a hard time dealing with these issues. Any suggestions? How long does it take to get over it and move on? I want to trust her again.
Well, geez - of course you're insecure when she threatens you with leaving! That part has little to do with the affair, and lots to do with the fact that you really don't feel like she's committed to working through the tough times.
Unfortunately, that part of the illusion - that we're married for life and our partner will stay committed through thick and thin - kinda dies with the affair. I'm happily reconciled (most days, anyway!) and I do think my H and I will make it through the long haul - BUT - I know now there's no certainty involved in that.
You may want to approach your wife with something like this:
"Wife, recently we went through a stressful time with my unemployment. I know it was very difficult for both of us. It concerns me, though, that your response to this stress was to threaten to leave the marriage. I believe we both need to learn better ways to work through our problems. How do you think we can approach future challenges in a more constructive manner?"
I do agree w/kml, beign under that kind of stress wouldn't make anyone feel any better.
Although I'm wondering if you are still reliving the A or if you are just insecure about her commitment to the M. It's been barely 6mths since I found out about the PA my H had. It has taken me this long and with long hard work I've been able to stop relieving every detail every day I wake up. It does take great will power to stop looking into the "abyss" of the history of the A.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
