I'm not going to "pile on". I will note, though, that you got brue, and Jack three beans, AND AMyc to come out of the woodwork. Buddy, you'd best listen up!
I want to tell you, about 5 years ago I was a success on this board. I Dbed my H back home, ha I came back to the bpoard in Sep just to let everyone know how it was all going.....Blow me, found out a day befor Xmas eve H had A number 2.
But Whats important is I Did DB, Now in the beginning I did all what you have done and H just moved further and furthr away. The minute I caught on it all started and I saw baby steps every week till h came home.
My main purpose for posting to you though is to tell you this. I pestered my H for details of who, why, where, when and when I got the I really regretted asking. Mind you I did Punch OW in the mouth.. Lol But seriously I puished him away with all of that.
Anyway, this time, I have not asked one question about OW, I seriously dont want to know, Im just not interested and Ill tell you why. If it wasn't her it would be another OW. Its not about OP, it really isn't.
First OW looked like Dot cotton, she was rather ugly.
So, please forget OM,
Once my H felt comfertable he started to talk to me more. You really need to back off. Its a must if you want to DB.
Simon. I totally get your point. Her sitch is currently like this and as everyone agrees they always move out. Maybe because she's been at home though most of this or what ever. I don't know but I need to fill you in on her sitch.
She is living in a small 9ft by 9ft room at her sisters deep in the heart of a very nasty council estate in Brighton. The room belongs to our nephew who has most of his stuff still in there so she's got her 2 large cases and 2 smaller ones filling the rest of the floor area. The only available space is the bed, which is a single and she is sharing that with our son. She has always always dreaded having to live in such an area. She cannot go out at night (not safe) and her sister lives below the poverty line on benefits. Her sister cannot afford to feed herself and the children each week nor can she afford to have the heating on. She has 5 cats that use a litter tray and my wife hates litter trays. My sister in laws house smells. I love her to death, she is closer to me than any of my blood siblings but her house stinks. It smells of poverty and act pee.
The rest of my wife’s family (she grew up in care from the age of 18 months) have always thought we were the family snobs because although I don't earn a bomb we always meet the bill etc and have a nice clean house, which is always warm etc. My sister in law struggles every Christmas to buy her kids toys and we have an arrangement whereby we buy the presents from her to our kids and she wraps them up.
The street outside is filthy and covered in rubbish from dustbins, spare car parts a couple of burned out cars appear on the estate on a weekly basis. It’s a horrible place to live.
Yesterday my wife had to apply for accommodation with the council and although she will be placed highly on the list she will probably be out in a bed-sit first where there could also be drug uses, prostitutes etc. This she is dreading.
Today she had to wait in (she came down here) until the dss (benefits office) phoned her about her benefits. It turns out that the £600 we get in child tax breaks paid into our account will halve immediately so I have to find another £300 per month from somewhere. In April my daughter is 16 so all child tax credits will cease and I will then be £600 pounds per month worse off. On top of this I will be expected to pay child support to the tune of approximately £300 per month. So to cap it off I will have to come up with an additional £900 per month, which I have not got and there is no way in heaven I could ever get it.
The money I will have to give to my wife in child support will be deducted from her income support benefit. I was unfortunate to be off a few years ago before we had Isaac and we only got £92 per week to live on. The council tax and rent was paid but we had o survive on £92, which is impossible.
When we went through the figures I wept because there is no way I can survive financially. I went bankrupt almost 18 years ago when I was very young because of my sons illness (could not get it together to work) and I got bumped (not paid) by a builder to the tune of £7000, which was a lot of money for a 23 year old in 1989. The last thing I ever wanted was to go bankrupt again. It really ruined my life and we could not get a bank account for 10 years. My wife had to go bankrupt as well because the creditors were chasing her for my dept, some of which were set up as joint for financial reasons.
So I wept and said I would have to go bankrupt and she would have to too because she would be chased for them. She said " what about working for someone else like you were talking about before". So I explained I would probably take home about £16K, £1,300 per month but I would have to pay her £250-£300 per month and the credit card, loans, outgoings are £1500 per month at the present time, which is why the £600 we get in tax breaks is sooooo important.
She did not realize any of this (I've always dealt with all the legal docs etc). So she has moved out as she had to see if the grass was greener but 3 short days into the move she can only see poverty and lack ahead of her. Because she was not in an abusive environment she will have been deemed to have made herself homeless. Because of that she will not be seen as deserving of a flat or house and will be put up in bed and breakfast or if she’s lucky a dingy bedsit. She will have to live in the same house / hotel as drug addicts, prostitutes and the destitute. This will probably be for some months (could be up to 2 years) until she moves up the council waiting list and a council flat becomes available. The council work a bidding system. Every 2 weeks a list of property is advertised and you have to put a bid in (say your interested in the property). Once the bidding process closes, the person with the greatest need or highest up the list gets the property. Flats in nice areas are bided for by up to 1000 people on the waiting list. The worse the area the fewer the bids. In order for her to get out of b&b and into a flat will be to bid on a property in one of the more troubled areas, where drug abuse, feral children and trouble are rife.
My wife has always dreaded having to live in an area like this. She absolutely hates the house her sister lives in because its right in the middle of one of the more notorious streets. She is beginning to see how green the grass is on the other side of the picture.
On a financial note she will have to.
a) become bankrupt to stop our debtors from chasing her. b) Have to live on approximately £60 to £65 per week to clothe herself and our son, pay for groceries, milk, electricity, gas, etc etc. Once all her nice clothes have run out she will have to scrimp and scrape to make ends meet. c) Do cash in the hand jobs illegally in order to make enough money for Christmas and birthday presents d) She will also have to do the cash in the hand jobs just to live because £65 is just not enough. e) She will have to furnish her flat but will not have any money.
I will have to go bankrupt. Our outgoings are £1400 per month and once she signs on the dole, I will have to pay her so she wont even be getting benefits because I’ll have to pay her about £80 per week I’m working. This will be more than she is entitled to in benefits so the difference between £80 and what she is entitled to (approx £65) £15 will be taken off of her rent entitlement meaning she will have to take £15 of the money I give her each week and pay it to towards her rent. So she will be living in poverty, as will I
Unfortunately the situation we find ourselves in means that she is going to have to move back in or the alternative is to.
Live in crap accommodation for up to 2 years (which is not fair on my son) until she eventually get a flat in a horrible crime infested are with not enough money to make ends meet. I will be at home here with my children but I will have had to go bankrupt and I will not be able to work because of y depression. So we will both be condemned to a live of poverty and lack. Where is she going to be in 10 years, when she is 50. On the shelf I’m afraid. Its very difficult to find a decent man willing to live in an area like that. Most of the men who are attracted to single mothers in these area’s are just not my wife’s type.
The alternative is:
She moves back in so that we don’t face financial ruin. She should move back in at the very least for her children. She needs to face facts. She would never have dreamed of doing what she is doing to our children 18 months ago. When you have children you have to sacrifice your happiness for them if that’s what it takes. There are women in abusive situations because there children don’t know there father is a monster who beats there mother. They stay because they don’t want to ruin there childrens lives. They shouldn’t but the overriding parental urge to keep them happy in a family environment keeps some of these women in these situations. She will have to deal with her resentment and work on our marriage. She has to. The alternative is living with me and being miserable for the next 10 to 15 years whilst our youngest son grows up and goes into university. She will be 55 then and would have had 15 years of misery. She certainly be on the shelf then feeling bitter and resentment. I’ve told her this today, that basically she does not have a choice because of our financial situation and where she will end up living etc if she doesn’t move back in. When she does move back she is going to have to deal with her emotions and forgive me. She must find happiness in our marriage. I am not willing to live like that and she owes it to herself to work through our problems and her mlc until she finds happiness in our marriage once again. The alternatives are too awful to contemplate.
I have told her all this morning. I know its probably not the right way to DB but we do not have a choice and I am not spending the next 10-15 years in a love less marriage.
SHE HAS TO WORK THROUGH HER PROBLEMS AND FIND HAPPINESS IN OUR MARRIAGE.
Again I know this is probably not the best way to DB but I owe it to my children who I have let down badly over the last 8 months. I owe it to my children to give them a safe and loving environment as they go through their journey into adult life and beyond.
She’s not happy but life sucks sometimes.
Because she is stuck in this situation she has to find happiness herself in our marriage.
It turns out she was totally used by this man she had an affair with. HE told her him and his wife was in a love less marriage but stayed together for the kids. He told her how lonely he was etc and sad that for the last 5 years he has had to live like that for the kids. This was all she wanted, he gave her scraps and she lapped them up. He got her to believe they had so much in common etc and deserved happiness with each other. He asked her if she wanted to go to the café for a coffee. She met him an a safe environment at school (he is one of the dads and has 2 boys at the school) so she felt ok about going for a coffee. This is when he laid out how miserable he was and how lonely he was. No doubt she felt some sorrow for him and when he asked her if she wanted to go for a coffee again she felt compelled to say yes. She was also wondering about her own unhappiness and thinking they had this in common etc. This is how he reeled her in. On the 2nd café visit her asked her for her mobile number so he could start the chase in Ernest. So he chases her, texts her jokes, little messages, tells her he is developing feelings for her and they start to spend as much time during the 2 days a week she can see him just talking etc whilst he set the hook into her.
She never stood a chance, he tells her he has never done anything like this before but she has won his heart and all that bullshit. It turns out he is serial adulterer. He and his wife are supposed to have not been in love for the last 5 years but when he has had his fill of my wife. When he’s bored because she’s another conquest and he’s looking for fresh victims so he can ruin there marriages. He told her his wife found her text message to him and he had to break it off even though it broke his heart etc. For the kids!! What absolute bullshit. Anyway my poor wife feels so foolish now she realises he has played her, used and abuse her and tossed her aside. If his wife had found out she would be screaming down the phone to my wife telling her to back off. My poor love of course never considered any of this because she thinks she was in love with him and still has feelings for him
UNFORTUNATELY THIS IS THE SITUATION WE ARE IN. IT'S NOWHERE NEAR IDEAL IN FACT THE PRESSURE SHE IS UNDER IS NOT GOOD I KNOW BUT UNFORTUNATELY SHE HAS TO MOVE BACK IN OR WE BOTH FACE FINANCIAL RUIN AS WELL AS A NOT TOO BRIGHT FUTURE.
I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW THIS IS GONNA REALLY MESS HER HEAD UP BUT THIS IS WHERE WE ARE AT. I'VE TOLD HER TO STOP AND SEEK HAPPINESS, DEAL WITH HER ISSUES BECAUSE I HAVE HAD TO. WE CANNOT GO ON LIVING IN THE SAME HOUSE AND LIVE LIKE WE HAVE BEEN. I DO NOT DERSERVE TO BE IGNORED ALL THE TIME, NOR DO OUR CHILDREN. THIS IS SOOO HARD. IT GOES AGAINST ALL THE DB RULS I KNOW. AT THE VERY TIME SHE THOUGHT SHE HAD FINALLY ESCAPED, WHICH I KNOW SHE HAD TO DO SHE IS HAVING TO COME BACK TO THE PLACE SHE THOUGHT SHE HAD FINALLY LEFT. I'LL HAVE TO LET YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT GOES ON BUT IT'S NOT GOING TO BE PLEASENT. SHE DOES HOWEVER HAVE TO DEAL WITH HER ISSUES. SHE SCREAMED AT ME I DO NOT LOVE YOU AND I AM NOT GOING TO WORK ON OUR MARRIAGE. I DONT KNOW MAYBE HAVING TO STAY WILL SHARPEN HER FOCUS AND MAKE HER REALISE SHE HAS TO MAKE HER OWN HAPPINESS. SPEAK TO YOU LATER.
Oh well tell me what you think. I’ve got to go now. Be back later.
me 41 her 40 kids (3) 19, 16 and 6 married 20 years, together 31 years since childhood
bomb Aug 06, affair started june 06 and still going on
you can NOT rescue your wife from the choices she has made.
As hard as it may be to see her going through this you have to shut your mouth and sit on your hands and do NOTHING!!
This is very co-dependant behavior. You can not fix her right now and unfortunately, just like all of the rest of us LBS's we are dealing with the consequences of their behavior.
Yes it causes us great pain, screws up our kids, our finances and our lifestyle BUT they have to deal with their issues on their own.
In this situation you can not be the White Knight coming into save her and rescue her from herself.
This is not a fairy tale.
This is MLC.
This is your new reality.
I am sorry, I really am.
You have had a really rough life and dealing with an ill child and now a mentally sick wife it is amazing that you have not snapped.
Please take care of YOU. Do what is best for YOU.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
You dear soul, I am so sorry about the way life is headed for you right now.
Reading your last post I am so reminded of the late-stage alcoholic, or the crack addict. Which is exactly what your wife has become right now...an extremely damaged and hurt person who absolutely cannot face her pain straight on, and therefore must run and hide from it. She is bringing all of this on herself, she is choosing it. And IMO you really should make no attempt to shelter her from it. Let her feel the consequences of her choices. She is choosing poverty, squalor and danger rather than choosing to look at herself...what does that tell you about how afraid she is inside?
I'm so very sorry that YOU are having to bear some of these consequences. I hope that to the extent legally allowable you will refuse to shoulder them for her so that she has a chance to experience them and hopefully come out of her crisis.
Concern noted. Your right of course she was too tired to read anything!! What a surprise. My problem is that we absolutely cannot afford for her to continue on this course because it will bring poverty and financial ruin.
Oh I love my life. Wouldn't swap it for anybodyelses. Oh who am I kidding. Any body fancy a swap!!!!
me 41 her 40 kids (3) 19, 16 and 6 married 20 years, together 31 years since childhood
bomb Aug 06, affair started june 06 and still going on
Yes I have been ugly. I have frightened myself with the intensity of the emotion I felt. I Mentioned elsewhere that I have suffered from depression all my adult life and have been very low since my son nearly died 4 years ago. Its this period that my wife and myself for that matter identify as where things started going wrong. I would have said that I probably had a huge bearing on the fact she had the affair. I HAVE COMPLTELY FORGIVEN HER. I feel no animosity toward her whatsoever. I have no negative feelings or thoughts about what she did or towards her. Depression is the inability to feel anything and my wife is depressed. Clinically depressed. She denies flatly she is depressed but she displays all the symptoms. I have no doubt that she is in mlc as well. In fact she is down right miserable. She doesn't engage with anyone in our family. Not me, not my daughter, not my eldest son only to a certain extent our youngest child Isaac. She has a complete inability to feel anything positive or negative about anything in her family life and home situation and wants to run. If anything, she needs to deal with her depression and then her anger and resentment at me and to a certain extent the children.
I said earlier that I completely forgave her and I did. I mentioned also my own depression because I did not have the ability to feel properly so my wife has been affected by depressive fallout as well as her trigger event, that being my sons close shave with death. For a clinical depressive I sure felt some intense emotions in the last 3 days so the new drugs I have been taking for 5 weeks are doing there job and enabling me to feel. The really frightening thing is the intensity of the emotions I have experienced in the last 3 days. I never knew rage was such an intoxicating emotion. It’s like smelling or tasting for the first time. I know I have forgiven her completely and I harbour not once ill feeling towards my wife. I feel nothing for the acts they carried out or the betrayal or even the terrible way I had to find out via a semen testing kit. None. None whatsoever. For someone who can feel emotions for the first time the only emotion I have for my wife is love. I have always loved her with my very being, its the only emotion I have really experienced before and that because of her beauty and gentleness.
What I’m trying to say is. I forgive her. I have known for 3 months something was going on. I read the boards and accepted I could not do anything about OM. I accepted I would only push them together. I’ve 3 months to come to terms with this and I have already done all the imagining what they did bit so I don’t feel the slightest need to go there.
I did feel such intense rage at my wife for her refusal in telling me who it was. I wanted to strangle her. I stayed up all night fantasizing about how I was going to torture the information out of her. I'm sorry but I have never experienced anything like this, ever. I could not fathom why she would not tell me and saw it as a further rejection and was enraged as well as extremely hurt she had rejected me and now she takes his side by protecting his identity. How bloody noble of her. I was absolutely enraged.
So yes I know I was totally out of order for the things I said and did. I felt terrible for days. I do feel some animosity for him though. I felt a great deal of anger towards him for chasing my wife when she was vulnerable. He is a Casanova. He does this to women. He can spot them a mile off so proceeds to wreck another marriage. I don’t blame my wife. Not at all. She is suffering from depression and MLC, and her behaviour is just a way of feeling something other than emptiness. It’s just a form of self-medicating; most mlc’s do it at some point.
The point is that although she had the affair because of the fog that’s invaded her head, THIS bloke has done this before probably many times and he will do it again. I said to her that I knew she would probably been willing to give everything up for him. Now she is slowly realizing that he used her and made a fool of her.
Quote: And there is always some provocation for us doing the things we do...........and that includes your wife. If you ever want to hear what she is really feeling and what got her to this place..........you have to leave her alone...........and........you need to learn to be kind - no matter how hurt you are.
Although I had a period of madness I have shown my wife nothing but love and kindness. I’ve told her I understand I had a role in her having the affair. I’ve told her I understand she couldn’t help it even though she knew it was wrong. I’ve told her I understand she has feelings for him and that she has to grieve.
Quote: You made a comment (which I know you didn't mean - you were all caught up in the moment) - that you wish you weren't a born again Christian so you could end this miserable life and be done with it.
Your right of course. When I was on Prozac and was waiting for the drugs to take effect, which can be up to 6 weeks I was very down. For the first time in my life I actually thought about suicide. I found myself thinking of non painful ways of doing it. I would be driving along in my van and want to cross the central reservation or drive into a wall. Thankfully apart from Saturday and Sunday I have not had such thoughts again. This is due to my new medication working.
I do have to say one final thing on the suicide thing. I am a born again Christian. My faith is based on the rock that was revealed to peter from the Father by the Holy Ghost. That revelation: that Jesus is Lord has kept millions of souls throughout history from denying their faith in the face of martyrdom. It is the revelation the Father gave me when I became a new being. It is the only thing that sustains me in my deepest moments of despair.
Even though I harboured thoughts of suicide a couple of months ago and I felt like my life had ended a few days ago I could NEVER EVER commit suicide. I couldn’t do it because it’s a sin. It’s a sin that may or may not be pardonable. The fact is I don’t know if its pardonable. Most people think it’s the one thing you cannot do. I’ve never really seen scripture that points either way. All I know and believe is that if I did top myself I would not be with my Father in heaven but would be separated from Him for eternity where the worm never dies. So don’t worry its not gonna happen. I could not do that to my wife either. I could not leave her knowing she caused the misery that led to my death. Just couldn’t do it. I love her too much.
Quote: you are in my prayers
Thank you.
Nick
me 41 her 40 kids (3) 19, 16 and 6 married 20 years, together 31 years since childhood
bomb Aug 06, affair started june 06 and still going on
