Quote: Please help me get control - is there still hope for us?? What do I do I can' eat or sleep and I'm losing it!!
It's hard when they keep waltzing in and out of your life. Giving you hope, then dashing it, giving it, dashing it, giving it, dashing it. It's a very familiar pattern to all of us who have been through this.
The trick is not to get your hopes up when you do see positive behavior out of him. Act "as if". This could take a long while to sort out so don't read to much into anything he says or does. Just because he talks D, doesn't mean he's going to do anything about it.
I can rest your mind over one item and that is the younger OW. No matter how much he tells you she understands this or that about him, it's crap! Believe me when I tell you he's not seeing her for her wisdom, understanding, or emotional support. There are needs she's not going to be able to give him and that's where your advantage is. I say this because I've been there and done that. He's not thinking about a future with her so get her out of your mind.
Try to find a way to bleed off some of this anxiety your feeling. Read a book, exercise, take a hot bath, do something nice for yourself. Don't let the thought of him consume you.
There's always hope and there is proof of that on this site.
Whenever i am under this kind of stress, I masturbate.
Ian helped me out, and now I'm helping you out.
www. adameve.com
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Sex with myself has never been so good!
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Just joking babe, lighten up, there IS light at the end of the tunnell
Quote: That is not good or bad, simply an observation of the type of MLCer you have. It means that if you choose to Stand, you may have more of a rollercoaster ride through all phases than the LBS of a Dropout. In many ways it is more challenging due to this, but at the same time the contact can be a relief relative the Dropout's no contact
What about the Dropouts? Most of the posters here have Dropins. I see my H as he has a shop in the backyard which he does his sideline business out of (renovations). We talk about the kids or about business when he comes in the house. I have been NC since about Dec. ll. I am light in conversation when he is in the house. He is still looking for reasons to have left me (H has been gone almost 14 months and living with OW). There is so much more I could write. But what about the Dropouts?
Love and hugs for all Cynthia PS sorry for the high jack, but I have asked the question before and not gotten a response. I would love one.
WOW! That was really eye opening and thoughtful for you to write! It sounds like you know what you are talking about, I wish it wasn't because you have been through this HELL yourself. I see why so many people are here it really helps to have the advise of everyone going through what we are.
It is so hard to hear that it obvious that there is OW or other "girl" I should say!!
Because he denies it to the death I still get caught up in the fact that maybe it is not true, he swears that they are just friends and have never had sex! I don't believe it!!
It just makes me wonder why do I want to be with a guy who would do all of this to his family? OH yeah, I LOVE HIM!!
You gave me strength to get through the day and guess what I haven't even called him today and I have plans with a friend tonight and took the girls to a movie last night.
Do we all really believe that these guys are hurting as bad as we are? My therapist says to just sit back and watch how his life just starts to fall apart! Is it sick that I will get some joy out of this?
Wish I could get OW out of my head she lives in my state and I sometimes call her work to make sure she is there - and not with him! Tell me how long an affair can last between a 36 year old and a 21 year old who lives at home with her parents?
Thanks again!!!
J
Last edited by want_to_be_a_family_again; 01/20/0708:48 PM.
Wow, this is a real mess. And not one that you made. I do not know if he is in MLC, but no matter what the facts are what they are. A 36 year old man with small children is having an affair with a 21 year old woman. Not about you.
I could go on all day about why he came for Christmas(guilt and wanting to look like a good person).
And I will tell you a story. Back in 2003 when I was DBing and hoping I could save my marriage and I was living in the US and my X was abroad he called! He asked could he use his car while he was here on business. He came to dinner and I turned over the car and we had a nice time. I had hope.
When all was said and done it turned out that he had the OW with him and it was at his convenience, he took her to our home and all that.
I am telling you this because bad things happen to many of us. There are things that we never know until we go through them and then people tell their stories.
What I can tell you is that you will come out of this whole if you focus on you and your children. One step at a time. Take a hot bath tonight. I am very sorry this is happening to you. I would not wish it on my worst enemy. Stay strong, cry when you feel it, and take the high road. Wonder
Quote: That is not good or bad, simply an observation of the type of MLCer you have. It means that if you choose to Stand, you may have more of a rollercoaster ride through all phases than the LBS of a Dropout. In many ways it is more challenging due to this, but at the same time the contact can be a relief relative the Dropout's no contact
What about the Dropouts? Most of the posters here have Dropins. I see my H as he has a shop in the backyard which he does his sideline business out of (renovations). We talk about the kids or about business when he comes in the house. I have been NC since about Dec. ll. I am light in conversation when he is in the house. He is still looking for reasons to have left me (H has been gone almost 14 months and living with OW). There is so much more I could write. But what about the Dropouts?
Love and hugs for all Cynthia PS sorry for the high jack, but I have asked the question before and not gotten a response. I would love one.
And could those posters with Dropouts offer some insight? Since I have a Drop-In, I understand that type much better.
Keep asking questions and you'll probably hit on something that triggers an anwer for me.
LBS's with Dropouts to seek out Angelica
Uncertain Micky & Holly? Are yours Dropouts.
Cynthia, you are right...it seems Drop-Ins and Droplets are more prevalent--at least here on the board. Does anyone else see this differently? I'd love some other pespectives on this...use my thread to respond if you'd like.
Hi. Having a dropout is much easier in some ways. You just have to be ready to get some points in when you have the chance. It is easier because you do not know the ins and outs of their R. It is easier because they can realize much faster that their choices are the cause of bigger problems then the problems they were escaping. It is easier because the affair becomes like all the bad parts of the marriage faster. Take the garbage out......etc. They do not have to spew at you. They get to spew at OW, ( I am hoping about that one). So even though it is harder is some ways, it is easier in others. Bookpusher has a real dropout. She and I talk and she has so little to go on. 180's? Very hard to judge. The best thing to do with a dropout is do what is right and good. Be kind and generous with them, and know you will not see any results The results will come when this is over. Then we will find out how our actions influenced what where they end up. Still not through this, so this is only my point of view and beliefs. Please feel free to challenge me, I am only saying what I believe MAY be happening, Hope this is what you wanted, Holly
Bomb 1/06 D dismissed 11/07, attempt reconciliation. Premature. Divorce final October 31, 2008. OW looks like bad history. Over. Still hopeful. Baby steps. In R with my X.
If I may drop in for some questions to Holly...I think it must have it's pro's and con's yes...these dropouts. I have a drop-in (droplet)....and something you said, put a little fear in me...You said that you think dropouts might realise faster that they are dealing with all the same marriage issues quicker than drop-ins, because their R with OW goes into fast mode right ??! Well my H being a drop-in, I think I'm afraid he might take FOREVER just nibbling from both worlds to his hearts content....happy to enjoy both sides ....something RCR has often pointed out to me.....HOWEVER...I don't see a better road ....I've set boundaries where I can....Oh well, whoever has thougths...this seems like good thread - DROPOUTS versus DROP-INS....RCR?? want to start it ??? Love Cinders xxx
PS want to be a family again - great name....I have the same wish !!! I wish you strength and love through all of this ....Cinders xxx
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
I believe my H could definitely qualify as a dropout Never has initiated contact and will not answer phone or emails now. This is not only with me but with family. I would like to put invisiman on the ballot for best dropout.
Sitting quietly doing nothing, the flowers bloom effortlessly.
bomb: Jan 25, 2006 not seen since DD moved in with H - 9/1/08 H filed for divorce - 11/2008 Divorce dismissed by courts - 4/2010 still nothing
Cinderellaman something you said made me think. We cannot decide if our mlcers are drop ins or drop outs. I have a drop in. I have gone dark. I tried communication through email about our ds. I made my emails business only, to the point, no pleasantries. H added thank yous. He initiates comversation on topics other than the ds. He stopped reading the emails so I have to talk to him. He keeps trying to stay in contact. What my ramblings are trying to say is we have not choice but to have the mlcers we have. Just as many drop outs do not even respond to any communication.
In all cases though we need to detach and go on with our lives. Always act as if no matter what. The crises will take as long as it takes.
