He said he's seeing someone new

[phoenix23]

I agree with writing the letter. I stopped by to visit my IL's a few weeks ago because they were going on vacation to Europe for a month. I hadn't seen them in quite a while, although my mom had talked on the phone to MIL once or twice - I'm sure those were awkward conversations - and my mom sensed that MIL would love to hear from me but couldn't bring herself to call me up because she just didn't know what to say and felt so awful about the situation.

So I bit the bullet and stopped by, and had a good visit with the IL's. They both gave me a huge hug at the end (very odd as FIL is not a demonstrative man at all), and promised to email me on their holiday, which they did, a couple weeks later.

The point of that long ramble was that I'm sure your IL's are missing you as much as you are missing them, particularly as it sounds like you had a very close relationship with your MIL.
It may be that you will have to be the one to keep initiating contact, though, because they probably don't have a clue how to handle the situation with your H, the OW, you etc. But I think letting them know you miss them and encouraging continued contact would probably be as benenficial to them as it is to you.

And I can sure understand your feelings about resigning yourself to spending the rest of your life alone. I almost feel like that would be better than ever taking a chance on love again, and more than that, I just don't think I'd be capable of loving anyone properly anymore. I feel like I gave my whole heart away to my H - there's nothing left in there for someone new.

Ophelia - you're still wearing your wedding rings. Are most people on this board still wearing their rings? I ask because I took mine off about a week after H moved out - after I found out that he had messed around with OW six days after moving out, having promised me that nothing was going to happen with her, at least not for now. A few weeks later he made a comment about how it had upset him that I'd taken them off. I regretted it, but by then it was too late to put them back on, I guess. And I also felt so foolish walking around wearing these rings he had given me as a symbol of our committment and love when he was sleeping with another woman. I absolutely don't mean to offend you, because I do truly wish I still had my rings on right now, but out of curiosity, at what point will you take them off, if ever?

[Hope_11]

Are most people on this board still wearing their rings? ... I absolutely don't mean to offend you, because I do truly wish I still had my rings on right now, but out of curiosity, at what point will you take them off, if ever?

I took my wedding ring off pretty early on after we separated, but I didn't want to not wear a ring, so I went ahead and bought myself a cheap wedding band to wear. I was wearing the band, and then when my H decided to come home, I put my wedding ring back on for a few weeks and when he changed his mind, I decided that there was no hope so I wasn't going to wear anything. I didn't wear any sort of ring for over a month, but then I decided that I was still married and I was going to wear a ring. I guess I sort of use the ring to symbolize how I feel about our relationship at the time, on again, off again.

I completely agree with both of you on the difficulty of the il relationship. My H has a huge family and we were always closer with his family than mine, so to lose them to is a big deal to me. However, I think that my situation might be a little different. Most of my ils have been there for me. My H has refused all help from them, so they feel like the only way that they can make this situation better is to be there for me and help me. I am lucky in that aspect that I have a lot of people that care. My mil has been a lifesaver. I practically talk to her every day. She is absolutely disgusted by her son's behavior and she will not disown him but she is definately not going to stand at his side when he behaving so selfishly. One week after my H and I got back together, he decided to bring the OW to meet his parents (I didn't find out about this until weeks later). He did not warn them ahead of time and my mil said she almost hit the ground when the OW walked in with my H. She said that she did not talk to her at all when she was there. My mil only made one comment to her and that was "and what are you doing living with a married man? It is wrong" My mil said that she didn't even look at the OW and that the OW will never be a part of her life, so Ophelia there may be a chance that your mil thinks the same about the OW as you do. I know that my mil believes that OW ruined her son's life.

[Ophelia]

Sorry I haven't posted in anyone else's threads recently. I've just been feeling particularly depressed about my own sitch, so I haven't had the focus to read and respond to other threads. I promise I'll get to you eventually though! I'm still thinking of you guys every day!

FWIW - I think you should write the ILs a letter - they probably have the same feelings for you and are just afraid to contact you for the same reasons. Sounds like you have a good R with them and they probably miss you just as much!

Thanks for the vote of confidence on the letter to the ILs. I think I will do it, but probably not until after they get back from a holiday they're taking sometime in May, (not sure what dates their leaving and returning yet), because I don't want to drop the letter on them right before they leave and then have them worrying about it all during their holiday, when they're meant to be enjoying themselves!

Mother's Day is coming up on May 13th, and I do intend to get a present and card for MIL.

Speaking of presents, I was thinking the other day about how H will be in Africa, quite possibly somewhere near the top of Mt Kilimanjaro on his b'day this year, and that lead to me wondering if I should get him something for his b'day, (despite the fact he didn't even give me a txt message for mine). I figure he probably wouldn't want anything from me, but if I want to give him something, well that's my decision, not his, and it'll be his 30th, so I really would like to get him something.....

So then I started thinking that if I did get him something, (his b'day isn't until Oct 31st BTW, so I'm not sure why I started thinking about it now), that I'd want to give it to him before he left for his trip. Then I got to thinking that maybe I could give him something he could use on his trip, but it couldn't be anything big, because he'll only have a backpack with him....

Then I came up with an idea, so if I do end up getting him a present, I've decided I'm gonna get him a St Christopher's medal. Neither one of us is Catholic, but I know that St Christopher (which incidentally happens to be H's name) is the patron Saint of travellers, and that people often carry St Christopher medals to keep them safe on their travels. I figure I can get the back of it engraved with something along the lines of, "Safe travels, wherever the path may lead", and tell him that it's supposed to keep you safe when you travel, so maybe it'll bring him luck and help ensure he makes it all the way to the summit of Kilimanjaro without getting sick or injured, (which would mean he'd have to turn back before reaching the top, which I know would crush him).

Anyway, like I said, I'm not sure why I'm thinking about it now when his b'day isn't until Oct, but there you have it.

It may be that you will have to be the one to keep initiating contact, though, because they probably don't have a clue how to handle the situation with your H, the OW, you etc. But I think letting them know you miss them and encouraging continued contact would probably be as benenficial to them as it is to you.

You could well be right. It's hard to figure out where my boundaries are supposed to be, you know? When does it cross the line from "initiating a continued relationship" and become, "imposing myself on their lives"? Ugh, I just hate it all! I'm glad your visit to your ILs went well, and that they emailed you like they said they would.

And I can sure understand your feelings about resigning yourself to spending the rest of your life alone. I almost feel like that would be better than ever taking a chance on love again, and more than that, I just don't think I'd be capable of loving anyone properly anymore. I feel like I gave my whole heart away to my H - there's nothing left in there for someone new.

You put that in words so beautifully! That's exactly how I feel.

I absolutely don't mean to offend you, because I do truly wish I still had my rings on right now, but out of curiosity, at what point will you take them off, if ever?

No offence taken, phoenix. I think the ring issue is something each person has to decide for themselves in their own time. I honestly don't know at what point I'd take them off....

I remember at our first C session, the first time we'd seen each other since H had left, one of the first things I noticed was that he didn't have his ring on, and it felt like another twist of the knife. I couldn't look at his bare hand without feeling like I wanted to collapse in a sobbing heap on the floor.....

So part of my reasoning is my being defiantly opposite to him in that respect. He doesn't wear his ring because he doesn't want to be M. I do wear my ring because I do want to be M....

Maybe if there's a time when I know I'll be seeing him I might take off my rings, (along with another amethyst ring I always wear which was one of the first presents he ever gave me) just to see if I get a reaction, and to maybe put a bit less pressure on him, because I guess my wearing my rings could be interpreted as pursuit because it means I haven't given up on us yet.....

I wear my rings to show the world that I still believe in the vows I made. To show the world that I still consider myself married. To show the world that I still believe in my H despite it all....

It does make me sad to look at them sometimes, because I remember when he put each one of them on my finger and how happy we were back then. I still don't want to take them off though.....

I sometimes wonder if H still has his ring tucked away somewhere. Or did he lose it and not have any inclination to search for it? Or did he even throw it in the trash?

I guess I sort of use the ring to symbolize how I feel about our relationship at the time, on again, off again.

I know it's not really a laughing matter, but I had to laugh at that, hopeless!

My H has a huge family and we were always closer with his family than mine, so to lose them to is a big deal to me. However, I think that my situation might be a little different. Most of my ils have been there for me. My H has refused all help from them, so they feel like the only way that they can make this situation better is to be there for me and help me. I am lucky in that aspect that I have a lot of people that care.

My H's family is quite extensive as well. On his mum's side (from her first M) he's got 2 sisters and a brother, all of whom are either married or have a long term partner who is considered part of thefamily. On his dad's side (from his first M) he's got 3 brothers and 2 sisters, two of whom are married. Across both sides of the family we have 6 nephews and 3 nieces. That's a whole lotta people I'm missing right now!!

You're really lucky to still have contact with your ILs and extended family, hopeless.

One week after my H and I got back together, he decided to bring the OW to meet his parents (I didn't find out about this until weeks later). He did not warn them ahead of time and my mil said she almost hit the ground when the OW walked in with my H. She said that she did not talk to her at all when she was there. My mil only made one comment to her and that was "and what are you doing living with a married man? It is wrong" My mil said that she didn't even look at the OW and that the OW will never be a part of her life, so Ophelia there may be a chance that your mil thinks the same about the OW as you do.

Your MIL ROCKS, hopeless! I'd like to think that my MIL is just as disapproving, but she's the type of person who will go out of her way to be polite and welcoming to pretty much anyone, even if she doesn't particularly like them. She actually considers it somewhat of a character flaw and wishes she could just tell some people where to go because it can be so stressful putting on an act everytime you see them. So I'm guessing that she wouldn't have been rude to OW's face if she's met her, which is a tad disappointing from my point of view.

OK, that's more than enough outta me for now. Like I said at the top, I will get around to reading and posting in your threads before too long. BTW, seeing as how this thread has reached 100 posts, if it gets closed at some point I may start my new thread over on the "We're Separated" board, so if this one disappears and another one doesn't pop up, you can keep an eye out for me over there.