My H and I feel like we are at an impass. I cannot seem to put the images of him with the OW out of my head. It is especially bad when I think of intimate moments - just talking and cuddling and of course when we get close to ML. We haven't ML in a very long time - he is afraid of the emotional drain that it takes on me and I am scared of the images - the OW is the monster under the bed and I can't even slay her or scare her off.
I've know about about my H's A for almost a year and a half. He finally admitted the PA about 4 and a half months ago. At first I thought I could get through it and be the master of my own happiness but the images remain and paralyze me.
We both enjoy each other's comapany and we both SAY we don't want to D but I am starting to believe that we would be better off sas 'Just Friends.' That's how we started 25 years ago.
He places a HUGE level of importance on sex in a relationship and he says he's almost desperate sice it's been so long and since he can't count on frequency or consistancy. I was also reminded a few days ago that he told me that a lack of sex in our M was one motivation for his A. He failed to remember that at the time he was working in another state so physical closeness was nigh impossible. Oddly, the OW also lives in our hometown so he would come home on the weekends and be with her.
Telling me that he is almost desperate about our lack of ML seems almost like an implied threat. I don't think he meant it in that way since he is NOT a cruel person, but I felt it anyway.
So do I fake it and act 'as if' in order to keep him here and keep the peace? I don't know. It's so hard for me to let him have any physical bonding with me. He and I are both looking for answers.
I don't feel like acting like the OW since that, to me, is humiliating. I don't feel the real desire for him right now because of all the hurt. he tells me to leave the hurt behind but I just can't do it. Even when I try to play fair it gets messed up.
Thoughts? Anyone? It's the old 'are you thiking of her when" type issues in my brain.
Sometimes I just want to give up and start anew with someone new. Can some M not be saved?
You may want to consider professional help for you and your H. Getting over an affair is not easy. I know if my W ever wanted to reconcile, I to would have issues with intimacy and may not even feel comfortable taking her back. I have not had to cross that bridge, but understand your feelings completely.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
I feel your pain with regard to sensing the OW in the room with you during intimate moments. I asked my H a few weeks ago "who are you with right now?" as we began to ML and he said "you." I then told him that I felt she was in the room and he replied "if she is here, it's because you brought her here, not me." I have asked my H to keep his eyes open and look me in the face/eyes while we ML so I can watch his expressions. This alone has changed my thoughts on having 'her' in the room with us. I did remind H that he is the one that brought this third person into our R and that I have a right to feel the way I do and he agreed. Give him a chance, banish her from your marital bed and approach it like you ARE the other woman only it's perfectly OK since your married to him.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt. M-42, H-42. M-22yrs, together 27yrs, Sep 5yrs. D-22, S-18 I'm a survivor
I really feel for you and I can understand how hard this must be. Have you considered any kind of hypnotherapy or NLP to try to get over your initial fears?
Hey, my H also complained about frequency of ML while he was working in a foreign country Mon-Fri. It's aint rocket science. You're not around, you don't get any.
You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him discover it in himself. Galileo Galilei
Thank you for your 2 cents. My H and I were in counseling via telephone couneling through DB. It seemed to work for a while. Maybe we just need a tune up.
What great advice - have his eyes open and saying MY name. The only thing I have trouble with in that area is that I know she saw the same expressions and she felt the same things. I almost feel like I'm 'channeling' her.
Thank you for the virtual hugs! As for the books - I've read them both. I guess I need to put them into practice. ALso I need to find the answers to the questions that you've asked me.
I do not want to use intimacy to 'keep' my husband. I want it to be a celebration of our relationship.
We've started talking about separation. It makes me sick to my stomach but part of me is ok with it.
I guess my mixed feelings are normal but they also are driving me insane.
