I am fairly new to all this MLC stuff. I would like some advice on my next step. To make a very long story short. 7 weeks ago my husband disclosed to me that he is in love with his secretary. They have slept together 4 times. She is separated from an alcoholic husband and is 10 years younger than my husband. They have been having an emotional affair for 2 years. When he told me they were sleeping together, I kicked him out of the house and filed for divorce. I have been doing the divorce busting techniques religiously. I have only talked to him 3 times since I kicked him out and that is when he called me with questions on the kids. I have not begged, pleaded, etc... I have acted like I have moved on. Anyway, he called me this morning and stated he just wanted to talk for no particular reason. He asked how I was doing (which is quite rare lately) and wanted to know if I would come over to his place for dinner one night. He did not sound like his usual cocky self but rather quite humble. I told him I would consider it. Should I go or not?? It is 7 weeks past the day I kicked him out. I do want to restore this 20 year marriage, but only the correct way. HELP
Kathleen It may not be mlc. Read the resources at the top of this forum and you will get a better idea if it is mlc or not. What makes you think it is mlc?
Going to dinner at his place is okay but hold no expectations if you go. Just go as a friend and expect he will probably withdraw after.
Now it is time for you to work on yourself. As long as there is ow then then there is no possible reconcilliation. I am not saying to d but if he is still with ow then no r talks.
So concentrate on your own life while your h gets his together.
Sorry to hear your story and sorry to see you here.
I'll quote you in bold:
I do want to restore this 20 year marriage, but only the correct way.
OK, so...
......and filed for divorce.
This seems a little bit different approach to saving your marriage? Any thoughts on putting a stop to that?
wanted to know if I would come over to his place for dinner one night. He did not sound like his usual cocky self but rather quite humble. I told him I would consider it. Should I go or not??
Well, what good does it do to not go? Suppose he's been having second thoughts? And you reject his approaches to you. Then what? What harm does it do to find out what he wants? Worst case is you show up and he says he also wants D, in which case you've already filed, so nothing changes. But maybe he's going to tell you he wants to work on things, he feels sorry, etc., etc.
If you didn't go and missed finding that out, how would you feel?
If I did go, though, I'd make sure to prepare my mental state for anything and everything that might come, all the way from the best to worst extremes.
Also, I wouldn't go if:
There is any reason for you to fear for your physical (and/or mental/emotional) safety. I suspect not, based on your post...
Take care,
S_O_T_S aka: Stoic_On_The_Surface
I can't quite get there cause my heart's forsaken me - KT Tunstall
He has all the classic MLC signs, i.e. spending sprees, mixed messages, not spending time at home, not doing things around the house, blaming me for everything wrong in his life, depression, bought a new jaquar, constantly looking in the mirror, talking about aging, bar hopping etc..
First, welcome to our wacky world, sorry you have to be here.
Congratulations on being so smart as to not beg, plead, argue, etc. You are wise and fortunate and way ahead of the game in that regard.
You've received good advice already and I'll just add a couple of comments. If you want to save your M, then you may want to retract your petition for D. Additionally, if you want to save your M the "right" way, meaning he changes and straightens up, you may be in for a long, long wait if your H is truly experiencing MLC. OTOH, if you want to start working on your self, and taking a "wait-and- see" attitude about your M, you just might have a good chance.
personally, I would definitely go for dinner, I would be absolutely delighted if my H had asked me for dinner in the last 18 months. I wouldn't be sucked into talking about the M, if he talks, you can just listen and validate. However, as someone else posted, don't expect anything, and don't be too surpised if he withdraws, or gets cocky, or even nasty, afterwards.
What if I go to his place and stuff happens and I feel like I am allowing him to eat cake? (this is an official mlc term)
What if I tell him we will eat at a restaurant so it is a neutral setting (don't want him in the house if he is doing her, don't want to eat in his place if he is doing her there)? Will I be sending negative signals, and do I care? (These are official mlc questions to wonder)
Somebody stop me before I wonder too much.
Problem is, there are no absolutes, no right/wrong answers. What makes them right or wrong is how do you feel about them, and if you try something, does it seem to work for you.
Now about eating cake. Many believe the MLCer needs to continue to feel there is a connection to their old life that they may one day use to find their way home. Some here never stopped intimacy with their MLCer, in the home or elsewhere. Can't say how it helped or didn't. It just felt right to them.
As for just talking, yes, almost all printed wisdom regarding DB and/or MLC says be their friend. Make them remember feeling safe with you.
But some here can not do that. Some get so hurt every time there is contact they have adopted the NC, lights out, dark approach. Simply, if the MLCer awakens and tries to come home, well ... we'll see how that works if and when it ever does. Till then, life is for the living. Live it.
If it sounds like a buffet of frustrating options, welcome to our forum.
Honey, Sorry you find yourself here, you've gotten some good advice.
I will just add a word of caution: if you do the dinner thing, do not go into thinking you know what he wants.
Go into it prepared for anything and everything.
I say that because it could just as easily be his effort to try to get out in front of this divorce and see if you all can work out an amicable settlement.
So he could still be forging ahead with his MLC but just doing it in a different way.
You really just need to not have your hopes up. But at the same time, don't go loaded for bear either.
Just go, detached from what may come of it. Like someone else said, like dinner with a "friend."
I know, hard has hell, very unnatural, particularly under the circumstances. But one thing you will learn over time is how to act "as if".
One thing that may make that easier is not to go to his place, but to meet at a neutral location. You go with what you are comfortable with.
Best of luck. Stay with these people on this board. They will hold your hand every step of the way.
K A M Your H is toast. He is so MLC. They wrote the book about him.
Now you need to skip the chapters about him.
Look for the ones about you. Otherwise, you are going to spend time you can not get back, on wondering how your every move will affect him. You are going to wonder what you did wrong.
There are many things that people "think" the MLCer will notice. When you have tried them all and nothing changes, you will have a longer list of what you think you did wrong. Please don't spend much time on that. Honestly.
I created Excel spreadsheets charting and guessing how long this might last based on the article of SixStages and apparent progress made by others that came here before me. You know what, they will all still be laughing their *ss off about that one long after I am gone.
The question of the day is, and I can not stress this one enough ..."What will help me feel good about myself, give me some rest, and make me at peace with the real world?"
Right now, That Is The Meaning Of Life for you.
That is all you need to be concerned with.
Well, and if you are close to me, I could use some wine here in the jet tub.
Hi K. Sorry you're here...but under the circumstances, it's the best place to be. Hang tight here....many days it will be your saving grace. You will find that in your entire life, no one will know about your situation more than the friends you make here.
Read the resource threads. Read the current threads. You will start to see trends, the "alien spew," the OW dramas, the cycling, the lies, everything. You WILL see your H become a horror show of the wonderful person he was. He will take it out on you. He won't be the best dad. You will see him doing "wonderfully" on the outside and want to scream.
Not trying to get you down. But I, nor anyone here, could ever expect what a rollercoaster of horror shows this would be. But, you don't have to ride all the time. You can get off, and walk in your own life.
W2S and others here are right on. Focus on YOU. Detach. This is a wonderful time for you to change all the things about you that might not have been the best during the M. FOR YOU. Focus on your kids. Be the best mom you can be now. Draw on family and friends, for laughs, cries, and an ear. Come here and post your heart out. Get a life. It will be hard at first, then each week you will see that the hole in your heart gets filled...the space is no longer lacking.
You will see the color come back into life, and you will start to dream again for you. But there will also be days when you wake up and you can't believe this is happening.
There are the 6 stages for the MLCer, but there are also stages for the LBS. We go through them. The shock, massive changing, desperation, numbness, acting as if, and the breakthrough to detachment, and living again, grieving and mourning what was....regardless of the outcome.
Above all, remember always: you are dignified, smart, wonderful, beautiful, classy and graceful. You are full of life and values, you are IMPORTANT. You are wanted and needed.
