WTF? Walk away Hubby is JEALOUS? PLEASE READ

[mel]

ok, I am a super confused mess. Just to recap from other posts, my husband of 9 years left with no warning. We were not fighting or having problems. He is getting ready to turn 30 and I think he is going through some kind of PRE-MLC? He says he needs time to think and space. He is extremely confused. He will tell me one minute that he loves me and wants to work on things and the next that it's completely over. Anyway, I read DB and have been applying the tactics for 2 weeks now (been gone 3 weeks.) I have been so proud of myself. I have not resorted to begging, pleading, or convincing. I have sat and listened to his issues and validated them to the best of my ability. I have even done a 180, by letting him fix his own problems (I am a fixer and he is used to me doing everything for him.) But now, I am stumped.

Last night, he called to let me know that he was going to have to do some work Saturday morning and would not be able to pick up our daughters until around 1 pm. I let him know that would be fine but to make sure if he was going to be later to let me know because I had made plans (dinner with female college friend.) HE LOST IT!!!! He went off saying that he could not believe I already had a date and he thought we were working on things (that was news to me? To my knowledge he hasnt made any efforts to work on anything) I got a little freaked out and managed to tell him that his asumption was incorrect and that I was going to dinner with a female friend and I did not have a date. He did not seem to believe me (BTW, there are no cheating issues-I have been a faithful wife for all 9 years and he knows that.) Then, he went on to say that when I was outside talking to my neighbor the day before(who's wife is one of my best friends) that I was flirting with him. When I said that was obsurd. He commented on me laughing and appearing to be having fun talking with them (when is this considered flirting?) He was being completely irrational. At the end of the conversation, he typically had to say something hurtful which was, "It doesnt matter anyway, cause we arent together." That really hurt but I just went on to ask him about his day. He seemed very upset but talked to me for about 3 or 4 minutes anyway. Despite my thoughts to ignore his outburst, I dont want him to think that I am cheating. I had to literally sit on my hands to keep from calling him back to reassure him that I was not interested in anyone else. I am still very much in love with my husband and want him to come home. DB says I need to show him I am happy and can move on with my life in a positive way while leaving room for him to reconcile patiently, but this is way out in left field. Is this a good reaction on his part or a bad one? Has anyone else had a similar situation happen? I need some support and advice. PLEASE HELP????

[*KS*Chick*]

Do you think he could be cheating? Projecting his guilt on you? Hopefully more folks will chime in soon. I know that feeling - keep hitting refresh, hoping for a new reply

[mel]

I thought of that but he swears that isnt an issue (not that I am completely convinced.) I will say that there are no other signs of cheating. Of course, if he has had a one night stand somewhere, I would have no way of finding out. His bizarre behavior would make a little more sense if it was guilt. I can say that I seriously doubt there is someone steady. First of all, we share a family plan cell phone (which he has made no effort to change) and I get detailed billing (which he has no clue about.) He works out of a truck all day so his cell phone is his only means of communication. I went through 3 months of cell phone records without so much as 1 unknown phone number. Secondly, he often calls me on his way home and when he gets to his mother's house, calls me again from the house phone. It does make me wonder if he has had a one nighter somewhere and is ridden with quilt. I wish he would just be honest if that is the case.

[chaflo]

Goodness do I feel for you... I am going through something similar... but my husband has left with OW... he said move on dont wait around... yet the second he finds out someone is around he says so many comments... personnaly I just want him to come back home... I miss his company quite a bit... but am not sure I can trust him again soon....but then again there is no plans on him comming home soon! But I understand a great deal about comments that are inappropriate.... I keep telling myself if you so wanted out why in the world do you care what I do with my life!!! Even more considering he cheated on me and left me for her!!! My advice (at least this is what I try to do) is simply make jokes out of his comments... even if sometimes it confuses the hell out of me... I often feel he is manipulating me... but I have got to think of me.... so try your best and send his comments right back at him... who knows maybe they will hit home!!

[Holly06]

Sorry to hear of your sitch, but I have to say that it is healthy and a good sign that he is watching you that closely and so scared of losing you. The less said the better.
I agree, he is drawn to someone else. He is trying to justify his actions, and looking for this in you. He thinks that he is a normal, great guy, and if he is drawn to this kind of R, then everyone must be. His mind is in the gutter.
Let him go there all by himself.
Do not defend yourself. He needs to feel the loss of you, or the potential loss of you.
One word of caution, do not go looking to make him jelous, that will backfire big time. If he manufactures it himself, then that is on him.

[runningoutoftime]

My husband and I were in divorce for 6 months and he also got jealous of me a few times as well. The way I handled it is I'd tell my husband that until I was legally divorced I would not be getting seriously involved with anyone (emotionally or physically), but since we were separated (and we actually were in the middle of a divorce) I would be going out with my girlfriends, groups of people and meeting both women and men. I'd tell him that I had no interest in a rebound relationship, and that I was working on being heathy and "healed" before I began any new relationships.

I think the jealousy shows how torn and confused they are. It's like they want to explore outside the marriage, but aren't entirely sure they want to leave (even my husband was torn about this while at the same time filing for divorce!!!).

I think it's important you keep GALing and having fun with your friends (and looking HOT when he sees you going out!!!!), but at the same time reassure him that your marriage is your number one choice and if and when he's ready to commit you'll be there for him. It's a bit like walking a tightrope. You need to be this happy friend that is there for them and cares enough to give them the space to figure out where they want to be, and yet also work on you and developing your own life, friends and happiness so that you'll be fine regardless of what they decide to do.

[mel]

Wow, this is my new favorite website. I feel so blessed that there are other people out here willing to help me and support me through this hell I am in. This is so freakin hard. Newest update:
WAH came over last night to pick up some bills and stayed for about an hour. Without my saying anything to prompt, he told me he loved me so much and that he loved our girls but did not want to come home... I said I understood but that I had to keep moving forward for my own sake. I also told him that I would keep a window open for reconciliation even if it took him awhile. I then asked him to be careful about what he says in front of our daughters (ages 3 and 5). They are starting to pick up on the situation and I feel it is best to leave them in the dark until we know what we were doing. He then said something that really made me upset and I just couldnt hold it in.... He said regardless of what he decides to do, our kids will be uneffected.... AHHHHHH!!!! My husband's parents have been married 40 years and will admit to having some rough times but always managing to work through it. I, on the other hand, am the daughter of 2 people who could not put their differences aside long enough to both attend my wedding (Messy Relationship and even messier divorce.) They had a very love hate relationship that put us 4 kids in constant termoil and grief. I remember feeling alone and abandoned by my father at a very young age. I want to protect my children from that feeling if at all possible and I dont understand why he doesnt get how important that is. I did not attack him like I wanted to, I only said that as the product of a divorce, I was very aware of how that outcome could effect our children and that I thought he was underestimating the importance of family stability in a child's environment.
He then said he was scared that he would come home and not feel any happier. I said that I was scared too but was willing to try when he is ready. He then said that he doesnt like the way I make him feel about himself...WOW! That was shocking. I feel like I have spent at least the last 5 years of our relationship taking all the responsibility for our family and babying him because he works incredibly long hours at a strenuous job (which I thought he deserved.) I know that he is not just saying this to hurt me. So I sorda have my answer. I have to change the way I make him feel (like thats not a hard task -lol) The feeling I was getting from him was that he felt like I did not put him #1 in my life and that made him feel hurt enough to leave. Again this is news to me, I told him I was proud of us for communicating so well and that I understood completely. I am sooooo confused how to give him space, work on my life, not talk about anything until he initiates, AND express to him that he is #1. That is a seriously fine line to walk.
I need some advice from all you pro's out there on how to implement this technique (please use examples for I am far too spaced out to read between the lines)

What is your opinion. My first thoughts are that he needs to feel the loss (like one of the kind posts said.) I have been pretty available to him most of the entire 3 weeks. I have not done much calling him but I think he still sees me as being "with him." So, how do I make him feel the loss of me and make him feel #1 all at the same time... I am sorry if I sound like an idiot, but I have always been a very straightforward person and communicating feelings has always been verbal. A part of me thinks that my hubby wants to see this change "in action" not "in words"
Please help, I think I might drop the $150 bucks on a counseling session? Anyone else done this? Did it help?

[mel]

OH, I forgot. If I decide to get a coaching session, I would love to have a coach's name to ask for. Has anyone out there had a particularly amazing coach? Tell all! Thanks

[runningoutoftime]

I have not done much calling him but I think he still sees me as being "with him." So, how do I make him feel the loss of me and make him feel #1 all at the same time... I am sorry if I sound like an idiot, but I have always been a very straightforward person and communicating feelings has always been verbal. A part of me thinks that my hubby wants to see this change "in action" not "in words"

Just be a fabulous listener when he is around, give him attention when he's there, ask him lots of impersonal questions about work and get him to talk as much as possible. With my husband, during our marriage we took a lot of evening walks. We live in a hilly area with beautiful views and we'd take strenuous hikes. During the divorce I told him I missed our evening walks and didn't feel safe going by myself. I told him if he was bored he was welcome to come on a walk with me. No strings attached!!! "friendship only," and we needed to be friends "for the kids' sake" . I would talk very little about myself, and just ask him tons of questions and let him talk. I figured, even if the divorce went through this was good dating practice. I'd also bake stuff "for the kids" (I do love baking so this is not unusual... also I don't eat what I bake... need to keep my size 3!!!) so I'd give him goodies every so often, but down play the significance. "Oh, I just happened to make banana bread....I hate to see it go to waste and end up in the trash... so just in case you might enjoy it take some home...."

At the same time I was doing this I also worked on having a great life without him. I'd go out with friends a lot. He'd take the kids out to dinner once a week and those nights I'd go out with my girlfriends looking HOT!!! In addition, I always kept the house clean and comfortable. I'd try to make it a place where anyone would want to be. Besides spending lots of time with friends and developing my life, I did a lot of fun family things with the kids. I'd take them to fairs and other events and I'd bring a camera along and always take pictures (so my husband could see what he was missing!!!). Quite honestly I had a lot of fun during my divorce. I used to joke that I felt 16 again but had a car, credit card, and I could go into any bar and had no curfew!!!! (You have to realize I had never been in a bar in 20 years of marriage so this whole thing was new to me).

Since you're not in divorce I can't recommend this. But going to the movies with girlfriends, having lunch, showing your husband you're happy and having a great life.. and he could be part of it if he wants! Is good. Also, do special things with the kids. Fun family things. I'd take my kids to fairs, events, etc.. take photos and give them to my husband (so he could see what he was missing).

[mel]

Thank you for your reply. I love all your ideas! It is so helpful to have the support of others going through similar situations. I have made some good progress lately and have tried my best to listen to him and ask him about his day and talk to him as a friend.
Saturday when my hubby came over to pick up the kids, he kept staring at me and losing his train of thought (kinda funny really.) Through sheer stress, I have lost 20 lbs in 3.5 weeks (that stubborn last 20 lbs from my pregnancy 3 years ago-yeah!!!) So I am the same size now as when we met. I think that shocked him. I am always trying to look fabulous when he comes around. I also make sure that even when he comes over late to drop/pick something up, I am looking appealing in my PJ's. Anyway, normally I would seek reassurance in his compliments by implying I had lost weight or even asking what he was staring at, but this time I did not. I simply smiled and went on getting the girls bundled up to leave. (You know, when he first left, I thought I was doing all of this for him. I thought things were fine just the way they were. Now, sometimes I feel like I am doing things for myself as well. It is very strange not having him to worry about.)
I have made it a point to make sure the house is looking immaculate and inviting when he arrives like you said. I also made a upholstered headboard for our bed that looks really fabulous (he looked a little flustered when he saw it :-)hehe)
I have been trying to go out with my friends on the weekends but honestly, I am feeling a little uncomfortable. My friends all like to hit the bar scene and while I enjoy their company, it seems there is always some guy trying to pick me up. it just feels creepy? I am still much too in love with my husbsand to even enjoy the compliment, is that bad?

I love the idea about planning an event and taking pictures. That is great. My brother has invited the girls and I to come visit with him this weekend out of town. I think it is just what the doctor ordered. I need a little time away from home to relax and just be with my family.

I am slightly worried about my husband's newfound jealous streak. He seems to be very worried about where I am going and what I am doing (I give him very little information.) Like when he dropped the girls off on Sunday he came into the living room looked around, then went in to the kitchen and looked around and came bk to the foyer. I would love to know what he thought he might find (100's of beer bottles strung around, people hiding in the cabinets, condoms hung from the celing fan? WTF!) I try not to worry about whether or not he is upset. I have a tendency to mother him a little bit. I am trying to take the mindset "as long as I know I am improving myself, taking care of our children and being respectful of our marriage, then his feelings can not be my responsibility."
The hard part is keeping my mind on other things. Everything I do reminds me of him. My mind will sometimes randomly find an old memory and then like clockwork, my stomach sinks and my heart jumps around in my chest. It takes every bit of my willpower to stop from calling him to tell him I was thinking of him. In fact, so much, that sometimes at the end of the day I feel completely drained from keeping myself in check. It is no secret I love my husband. It is just so impossibly hard to listen to him tell me how much he loves me and still be understanding about his space and issues.
I feel like a one woman circus of emotion.
I hope this gets better
thanks again
Me