need advice please

[inpain_dup1]

Hi. Wondering if anyone has any advice on how to cope when H doesn't want any intimacy or any "strategies" for getting it back!?

A little background - my H left on 12th Aug 06 and we were separated for four months. He has been moved back in for just over five weeks and everything is fantastic except for H's lack of affection/intimacy. I do realise that five weeks is not very long but am very worried that this side of things is never going to come back. When he first moved back in he would give me hugs and kiss me on the cheek or forehead when he went to work - he was sleeping in the spare room. Just over a week ago he came home drunk and slept in our bed but clinging onto the side as far away from me as possible. He has slept in our bed every night since and seems to be more comfortable with it. Since he has slept in our bed the hugs have stopped. He has given me a couple of kisses on the forehead but has looked so pained and uncomfortable about it that I wish he hadn't! If I ask him about the fact he doesn't even want to kiss me he says he's not ready for that and he needs everything to be sorted out in his head first. He says he does find me attractive and he doesn't really understand it himself.

I am thrilled to have him back - don't get me wrong - but it is hurting me so much every day to have no contact and lie next to him at night and want to kiss him at least and see the painful expressions on his face if he kisses me on the forehead - like I'm forcing him to do it. I have DB'd so hard and managed to get him home to try to work things out but I think I'm going to fall at the last hurdle over this. Kissing and ML means an awful lot to me - its my primary LL. I am getting more and more upset about it as each day passes because I thought that as each day passed he would get closer to me in that way and it isn't happening. A couple of weeks ago we went out and I put my arm through his when we were walking and he said even that made him feel uncomfortable. If anyone has any advice I'd really appreciate - this is tearing me apart and because I'm DBg I can't even tell him.

[InherJourney]

Hi Inpain... Even though your H is back home, he still has his wall up. What was your sex life like prior to the separation? Was another woman involved? Do you find time as a couple to have some fun and relax? Are either of you in counseling? ( Just trying to get more info here).

It's an awful feeling being intimacy deprived...I have been on both ends of things in my marriage ( being the rejector and the rejectee)...it takes a lot of patience to work the issues out. Hang in there!

[Lillieperl]

I am thrilled to have him back

Why are you thrilled to have him back?

[inpain_dup1]

Hi InherJourney - thanks for replying

SL prior to separation was pretty dire which was my fault. As far as I know there wasn't another woman involved. Yes we are doing things as a couple. In fact this has improved immensely from before the bomb as we are going out together without S2 on a regular basis and having a great time. We are also watching DVD's together or just TV. Neither of us are in counseling. H won't go and I don't feel brave enough to go alone.

[inpain_dup1]

Hi Lilliepearl

I'm thrilled to have him back as I love him to bits and most of what led up to him leaving was down to unfortunate circumstances which gave us a really tough few years. Once I got rid of my issues that had caused it I knew we could be great together again if he gave us a chance - and now he is.

[InherJourney]

Inpain... I don't know the specifics of your situation, but it sounds like you have made some changes, and now H needs time to trust in the new you. There does seem to be positive momentum...he has moved back home, and now he's back in the bedroom...I just think it's going to take some time to restore the intimacy. I know with my H, I would get a dose of true affection from him when I least expected it.

Something my H and I agreed upon was a date night where we would do something fun and then try to be physical with each other. Many times it was uncomfortable, but we stayed with it. Sometimes you have to just push things along, which does have a forced feeling...it was much better when I began to get some glimmers of spontaneous desire.

Take it a day at a time...look for small positives. Be patient. Hang in there!

[Martelo]

Look for those little things that he does that do show you
that he cares it may not be sex or exactally your LL.
If you can see that he does these things really learn to
apreciate these hopefully you can feel less desperate.

Its going to take time and alot of effort to get through
this no matter what. Always remember that this is your
choice to be in this situation, you are not a victim you
just choose to stay in a difficult position right now,
hoping that it will get better.

Baby steps.... b a b y s t e p s

Hand on the arm. A peck.
Back off don't smother.
Growth will not be smooth.
Oneday he may hold your hand another not.
That's a reflection of him not you.

There are alot of books to read and alot of ideas out there.
Read a bunch then forget most of it if you can.

[inpain_dup1]

Look for those little things that he does that do show you
that he cares it may not be sex or exactally your LL.
If you can see that he does these things really learn to
apreciate these hopefully you can feel less desperate.

Thanks for that advice. I have already noticed some little things. We went out last night to see a film and he opened doors for me. I can't remember the last time he did that but he always used to in the beginning! He put his arm out for me to lay on last night to go to sleep too which was really lovely. Yesterday when he went out for the night he kissed me on the lips 3 times and today when he has gone out he has kissed me on the lips again.

[InherJourney]

That is good news...a day at a time.

[inpain_dup1]

Well I think I am continuing to see very very tiny baby steps towards some kind of intimacy. Since I last posted H has kissed me on the lips everytime he has left the house and they have been getting more "gusto" behind them. Also he has laid an arm over me in bed and one night even let me lay my head on his shoulder. I have also noticed that the last couple of days if he has had to squeeze past me in the house he has put his hands on my hips.

It is such torture to have these things happening and not be able to reciprocate in ANY way. H will not let me initiate a kiss on the lips or anything else it all has to be when he wants to. Is this how it usually goes?? Also we have had a talk about it because H noticed that I have been struggling with our sitch the last week and when he asked me why I told him I was having a hard time dealing with the lack of intimacy and was scared we'd never do anything ever again. He said he does intend we will eventually but wants to get everythihg else in the R sorted first. This everything else must be some things he thinks need sorting that I don't know about because everything seems fine from where I'm standing.