New here - W unwilling to work on it

[Sailors_Girl]

Ok 30, now I have some questions for you...

Are you still in the Navy?

My name on the BB may give you just a slight hint...my H is in the Australian Navy - the only reason I ask is that it makes your circumstances just that little bit different to other peoples (Oh and I myself served in the Australian Navy). The best way I have described it is that when you are in one of the services - you have to have two lives...your life at sea, on the ship, in the service...and your life at home, with your partner, family, kids etc. And you are very much part of both of them...so if you lean more towards one than the other, you feel lost, because everything is thrown out of balance. The hardest thing for me in my own sitch is that my H turned to OW when I miscarried our first baby (jun 06)...and I couldn't be there for him because he was half way across the world. Anyway, just wanted you to know there is someone that can understand from that point of view too.

I do see where you are coming from in regards to the reason you may have developed the behaviours you have...I too have many scars and I did get to a point where they came to the surface and I went through counselling to deal with them...BUT and I guess this is why I know I have broken the cycle in my family - there is always two ways a person who has been through any kind of traumatic event in their life can go - one way leads down a self destructive path...eventually leading to behaviours not dissimilar to those of our parents, sometimes worse...OR you CHOOSE to walk the other path, which can be painful too, but you grow and learn and will hopefully be a better person for it. Obviously I chose the second path...Sorry, this is just something that touches real close to home with me, and like all of this I believe with all my heart that even this comes down to a conscious choice.

I hope your counselling is helping you though, for me I just felt that I already know I had a screwed up childhood, I'm already aware of the behaviours I developed growing up...and so I look at it as - ok this stuff I know, but how is taking a trip down memory lane going to help me right now? Help me to hopefully save my M...this is just something that I would be aware of is all...

Above anything else you HAVE to pick yourself up right now. I could almost feel the weight that is around your heart just by reading your post - imagine what your W might feel if she is able to sense that too. Trust me here, even though your W has chosen to WA for now, it still hurts so badly seeing you or feeling that you are so low.

I have come to the conclusion that in every instance even when I'm real down - I give myself time to acknowledge my feelings and yeah sometimes I cry - but I always get to a point now where I think - ok, this is how you feel right now, tomorrow is another day - and ultimately is feeling this way even right now really helping me get to where I want to be...

The best way for you to help your W right at this very point in time is to help yourself. Work towards being the man you want to be, being the husband you want to be - for YOU, to make YOU happy.

Perhaps this article will help - it is about forgiving yourself Forgive Yourself

IMHO, this stuff has more to do with not being of aware of what each others needs are out of a R and M, expecting each other to be mind readers...and basically it coming down to that usually both people are not meeting the emotional and/or physical needs of their partner...more than what it is about our past...but that's just my thoughts.

Anyway 30, this is going to take some time, but the first thing you need to do is pick yourself, dust yourself off and start BEING the man you want to be. When the time is right you will get the chance to take ownership of this and talk to your W about it, but for now you need to concentrate on YOU.

So pick yourself up - grab hold of some positive vibes I'm hopefully sending - smile, do something fun with your kids!

[30andLost]

Nope. Not in the Navy still. Got out in Jan 2000.

Just here to do some journaling.

Ok, today has been a roller coaster to say the least! I woke up feeling confident that my God would give me the strength to make the right decisions throughout the day and to guide me on my path to recovery from my Love Addiction.

I get to the house and I notice that the W has thrown away her papers that she got from our counselor that tell her what to do each day for sanity and her emotional wheel of life. So I start my black and white thinking that she is done trying and threw them out so she wouldn't have to look at them anymore. But I remembered my counselors advice to think in gray terms, and I thought, she could just be clearing off the fridge, cause she hates clutter on the fridge. And since she's doing the things the counselor instructed, she dosen't really need them there anymore. They were pretty blank anyways. So, I'm ok, not bottoming out, but super anxious and shaky. So I need to self-soothe.

I started reading my Facing Love Addiction book and found every word applied directly to me. Not even a period was out of place with the way that I was behaving and even the way my W was reacting to it. This calmed me a bit and gave me something to think about while I was at the gym.

I went to my gym that I joined last night and did the stairmaster for 35 minutes (32.5 actually but 35 sounds better). Then I did back and biceps. While I was there, I came to the realization, an epitomy really, that even if she wanted me back right now, although it be hard to resist, I couldn't come back, because I am a Love Addict and I am addicted to her. Having her back would replace my love withdrawl and I may never really address my defects of character. This was like a weight had lifted off of my shoulders and I feel great. I am free from the burden of waiting for her to want me back. And free to take control of my life and correct the defects in me that have led me to this point in my life. I am continuing with SLAA. In fact, I really can't wait for my next meeting to share my revelation! I am really going to work this thing hard. 30andLost may soon have to change my screen name because I can see who I am for possibly the first time in my life. I am a codependant Love Addict that needs to learn to love myself in ways that I never learned to as a child. I don't want my wife back until I'm healed as I've said before. I love her too much to do this to her again. I want to live my life in a healthier, saner manner. I can't wait to get to the sunny fields of self confidence and healthy intimacy.

Gotta go talk with friends and make ammends for past wrongs...

[cat03]

Hey there, I just had to goggle "Facing Love Addiction" and I think I'll get it for my H, who also was at a loss as of why he lost control and felt weak when he left and had an A. Thanks so much for mentioning it.

I'm glad you feel better and that you have made such a discovery. I wish you the best and hope that your wife forgives you.

[30andLost]

I think I had a little slip today. I only 'think' because I have not read DB yet. You guys let me know how bad it was. I was watching the kids this weekend at our house while the W stayed with a friend. She had to come home to grab her work shoes before she headed off to work.

While she was there I kind of slipped. I asked her if she was ready to talk about us yet. I made sure not to word it in an attacking manner like are you 'willing' to talk about us yet. She said no. I then slipped again and asked her if she had thought at all about us yet. She said yes she thinks about us all of the time, she just isn't ready to make a decision yet. So I stopped myself.

Then a few minutes later. I told her that I just wanted to let her know that I am working on my issues so that I never do this to her again. I also told her that if she thought that there was any hope for us, to remember that I am working hard on fixing myself. She then told me "Well you did do it and you can't undo it." Then she told me not to rush her into a decision, and I assured her that I wasn't, but I just wanted her to know I am working on fixing myself.

That was the end of the R talk. Then we were pleasent to each other and talked of other things in the few minutes before she left.

SO how bad did I screw up?

The patience thing and waiting is going to kill me. I need to be strong, so strong.

[cat03]

I dot' think it was that bad, dont' fret too much about that, she' is just not ready adn she told you so.

[30andLost]

EMERGENCY ADVICE NEEDED!!!!

Today is her day to have the kids and she's called to ask me to pick them up and watch them but i feel like shes using me as a doormat! What to do????????????

[Sailors_Girl]

Hey 30

So is your W still having the kids, she just needs you to pick them up? or?...and maybe watch them until she can pick them up from you?

She could just need to stay back at work???

I'm not too sure what to suggest until I know the answers to the above...but I guess what I could suggest you think about is on the nights your W has kids, do some GAL activity...so that you are busy. Not of course b/c you dont want to be with your kids, but it eliminates your W from taking advantage of you in that way.

One thing a dear friend always says to me is that people will only treat you how you let them treat you.

Hope this helps...

[Astimegoeson]

You shouldn't feel like a doormat. My disappointment is not being able to see my kids enough, so count your blessings.

You said you were going to start offering more help, so why not watch the kids an extra day? Consider it a good thing instead of something negative. Have some fun with them.

[Sailors_Girl]

Good point ATGO!

There are people here that would kill for my time with their kids!

[30andLost]

Here is how I responded - word for word. I wrote it down after much discussion with family and my S.L.A.A. sponsor. I did have GAL activities planned, but I had to be sure to be kind and loving in my response, and non-combative, because I do want our R to work, but not if she's going to rake me over the coals for the rest of my life. So here goes:

"As much as I would love to be there for you and the boys tonight, I just can't do it tonight. I'm working with a sponsor in my love addict recovery and its important for me to use this time to get to work on my recovery. That has to be my #1 right now. I don't want you to not call when you need me, but I just can't do it tonight."

Her response was "That's ok." I repeated "I'm sorry." She repeated "That's ok." end of conversation.

This morning when I went over to take the kids to school she was ok and even offered me a cup of coffee. I take them to school on Tues. & Thurs. because she has to be to school early and can't make it if she has to take the kids. I also pick them up on those days because she works after school and can't pick them up. Then she get's home, and I leave, using all of my resolve to not say ILY or IMU or have any R talk at all. I am trying not to have any talk with her because it just stresses me out and gives me false hope, I believe. I also think that it is part of "going dark" that I've heard throughout these groups.

Thanks for the input!