Wow!! I've not posted for awhile that my old post in piecing has disappeared!!
Journalling.. Cannot remember when I last posted,... When H was back for Xmas in our home country, he did meet up with ow. Shucks! It was a bummer and H's remark was "at least I told you about it and not lie. Don't worry. We are okay..blah blah blah". Actually, before he met with her, think they talked over the phone and silly H asked me "she bought a set of Tefal pots. Do you want them??" How silly can he get?? Anyway, we were okay but somehow our talk escalated into a fight. I was really upset and blurted out things like "who do you want? you should go" and was crying my eyes out. At this point, he was really really mad and shouted "I want you! You stupid @ss!!" Well, we went to bed angry...next morning, he leaned over, hugged me and asked "still angry?" Well, he was leaving for Country X already and I didn't want to make a scene on Xmas day...Oh well...
H left for Country X first. Boys and I stayed till New Years Eve. H did text me to tell me that he misses me and to come home while I was still away..
After we came home, we did go for an overnight trip to the hills with the boys. It was our first trip away as a family for a looooooong time. It was quite pleasant, I have to say.
Then, I went away with the girls for 3 nights. H babysat the boys. Just got back yesterday... Overally, H has been quite attentive...
Hello Yoyogirl. So what happens after a fight? (other than ones the day before Xmas). Do you forget about it or hold it inside? Do you avoid certain subjects in hopes of preventing another episode? I'm asking because my H hates to talk through old scenes, and the tension remains a wedge between us. Just wondering....
Think that "escalation into a fight" happens when I dig further for more answers than H is willing to give at that time, or when I do not "understand" the rationale behind his answers. Most times, H tends to FORGET and move on pretty quickly, and he would be the one trying to cajole me back to normality with "still angry?". I guessed I TRY VERY HARD to not hold a grudge and move on. Overall, I think H has been trying hard to make amends for his mistakes...but it takes time to mend our M, it will take awhile to have the trust rebuilt again...all this with the daily stress of coupledom, i.e. mortgages, kids, etc etc.
Do you avoid certain subjects in hopes of preventing another episode? I don't think AVOIDANCE is the answer in my case. I just try to ask it in a different way, or different time. Or different method. So far, in terms with ow. I ask one question, and get one straight answer and I don't force more questions onto H until another "suitable" time. That seems to be okay. It's only when I push and push that ugliness will follow.
I'm asking because my H hates to talk through old scenes, and the tension remains a wedge between us. Just wondering.... Think MEN hate to go back to OLD SCENES. If it has been settled or somewhat discussed, they would think that the topic is closed and it's time to move on. Going back to old scenes is akin to "NAGGING", I would think.
One thing that I notice that my H hates is my crying!! He gets real p!ssed off when I cry. He thinks that I am losing control and breaking down and he will start to be angry. BUT I really can't help it. Have really shallow tear ducts. I could even cry while watching cartoons...happy or sad ones. I cried when Nemo's mommy got eaten by the big fish! So, next step is to get H to accept that even if I cry, it doesn't mean that I am breaking down.
hey girl, this wont' help, but I'prob would' lost it too if I knew H saw the xow, though I have been good at not saying the other angry stuff you said even as it is fighting to come out and IS at the tip of my tongue.
You know better hon, I hope that's the last time you say it. When those ugly thoughts come to your head how about you actually tell him in plain english "I am very hurt and I don't feel well right now, I feel insecure because xyz" and take a 5. You'll get better results that way.
I think men come equiped w/the phrase "are you STILL angry?" ush! I get it from my H too, men do move on quickly when we have one of our hissy fits. And any crying in my part means manipulation in my H's book,not a sign that I'm hurt, i have to actually spell it out for him
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I agree. When your H is 3000 miles away, the "normal" couple chores are still not really in the picture. True piecing will start when H moves back into your home. Both of you will have to start re-living as a couple and as a family. I mean, it IS different when H is visiting for a few days VS. living full-time with you/kids. The pressures of "realities" will show itself once you start living together again. Each day is a challenge to be HAPPY, to keep DBING and to keep your mouth ZIPPED up!!
I appreciate you taking the time to post on my thread. But I also know that we are all in different places and we are all able to handle different things.
Keeping my mouth shut is not the problem, I have learned well how to listen and to be still.
Was your Husband in MLC? Or was he just having an affair? Just curious, as I did read some of your posts and was not sure of your situation.
My hat is off to you though.
I don't think I could handle having OW in the picture while trying to piece my marriage back together.
But as I already said, we are all in different places, all of us able to handle different things.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Great point about how many of us are in different places dealing with different things. It's funny, sometimes I'll think, "My gosh how does he/she deal with that!" While I'm sure others think the same thing about me. It seems like you really don't know how strong you are or how much you can handle until you are actually in the middle of it. I guess that's the true test.
Yoyo girl,
It sounds to me like you're doing really good. I think it's great you're not avoiding things, but coming up with different ways to ask about them or deal with them. Also, sometimes fighting is a good thing. It can be healthy. Avoiding conflict can seriously hurt a relationship. (Although for those in the early days of piecing, it's probably best to try and avoid fighting).
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Quote: we went to bed angry...next morning, he leaned over, hugged me and asked "still angry?
This is something that has long been a problem in my M too, even when things were "good." My H and I could have a screaming argument and one of us end up sleeping on the couch but in the morning he would make me tea like he always does and act as if nothing happened.
While it's good that we would move on and not dwell on the problem, it made me resent him. I always felt like he was brushing aside the things that bothered me. I don't expect a resolution to every problem. But, I do expect him to acknowledge that there was a problem, that I had a right to be upset, and that at the very least we will accept that it may be something that does not have a solution.
I suppose the thing we need to learn is to truly let go of the things that are not important. There's probably a lot of wisdom in learning to pick our battles so as not to become the W who cried wolf.
I think, as with any communication, effectively dealing with disagreements and "fighting" should be be learned and practiced. Unfortunately, I think we often get stuck in unconstructive patterns of behavior. To improve communication these patterns need to be identified, broken and then recast.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Cat03, You know better hon, I hope that's the last time you say it. I know. I know. When I am "sensible and composed", I could bite my tongue. But I just lost it that day.
And any crying in my part means manipulation in my H's book,not a sign that I'm hurt Yup. Think that's what my H thinks so too. But crying is something that I can't control and I told him so too... using "Finding Nemo" scene as an example. He remembered that as he was laughing out loud in the cinema when he saw me cry.
BrandNewDay, But I also know that we are all in different places and we are all able to handle different things. Yes. I agree, and only each individual would know what he/she can or cannot handle. Each situation/scenario is different.
Was your Husband in MLC? Or was he just having an affair? I would say a little bit of both. On hindsight, there were signs of him being unhappy with his work/situation etc two years prior to the A. He changed job, industry. And the pressure and my constant nagging...etc etc...
I don't think I could handle having OW in the picture while trying to piece my marriage back together. Think my sitch is much better than many. At least now, we are in a foreign country away from ow. There are many on this BB whereby the spouse is still working together with the op in the same office.
Running, I think it's great you're not avoiding things, but coming up with different ways to ask about them or deal with them. Also, sometimes fighting is a good thing. It can be healthy. Avoiding conflict can seriously hurt a relationship. (Although for those in the early days of piecing, it's probably best to try and avoid fighting).
I have to say that I am still learning to do this subtly. I try to bring it up at different times. I used to jump into asking/discussing about things. Now, I TRY to weigh his moods. We did argue about a week back about our investment. And I brought it up again day before yesterday in a more subtle way, he was so much more at ease. Guessed it's TIMING! too...
SuperStressed, I suppose the thing we need to learn is to truly let go of the things that are not important. I second that, Sista!
On the day that I was leaving my home country for Country X, i.e. New Year's Eve. I had lunch with my dad and sisters at a restaurant before going to the airport. And guessed who I saw?? ow's parents! Of course I didn't confront them... I told my sisters and they were just saying that maybe they should go up to them and say "Are you ow's parents? You all are such GOOD parents...teaching your daughter to have affairs with married men!". Well, of course they didnt'. I did text H to tell him that I saw them. He was rather curious as to how I could recognise them. Anyway, he didn't ask more when I saw him later. So, issue dropped....
I should be happy with the little gestures from H. I went away with some girlfriends for 3 nights and H babysat the boys. When I came back on Sunday, H was waiting for me at the airport. He could have stayed home (boys didn't want to come pick me up!!!) and just send the driver over... When H was still an ALIEN, he didn't even pick us (boys and I) the first time we visited him in this foreign country. He sent the driver whom I've not met at all. So....we've come a looooooong way.
