Ok. This will be a long post but it is the middle of the night and once more I cannot sleep and find my self lurking here on the boards.
My H began his A early in 2005 (I think). I knew almost immediately and confronted him. He basically told me that I was paranoid and crazy. He told me that there was no OW and that he was true to me and had never had an A in the 25 years we've been together (M21).
I became suspicious when he began talking about the OW and his description of her went from being the annoying one in his cubicle to "someone worthy of mentoring." Then there were the unexplained long lunches, the cell phone bills listing many weekend calls late at night etc.
In the summer of 2005 my H took a job out of state and I hoped that would end the A but it did not. He would fly out of town on the red eye each Monday morning and return each Friday night. The cell phone bills began showing 2 hour conversations late at night and numerous shorter calls during the day. Ususally he would talk to me briefly (1 or 2 minute conversations) either immediately before or immediately after the calls to the OW. When I confronted him he said he was "tutoring her" in their niche IT field. I was repeatedly told that I was paranoid and that there was nothing going on.
Early in our marriage (20 yrs ago) I told him that I didn't really care if he had sex with someone else as long as he didn't fall in love with someone else. Eventually I believed that he couldn't have sex with someone he wasn't in love with (because that's what he told me) and he continually assured me that I was the only woman he'd slept with for 20 years. I told him the same thing but I was telling the truth. Later I was accused of endorsing the affair because of what I'd told him 20 years ago.
By December 2005 OW was picking him up at the airport each Friday (he told me he'd take a cab home so I wouldn't have the traffic stress - so thoughtful eh?). He would tell me he was on the late flight home and he'd really be on the early one. There were never any cab receipts for his expense reports and the cab always dropped him off at the corner instead of in front of the house. I knew each time that it was a lie but he wouldn't admit it. I grew frustrated and hurt and angry by the minute.
He would disappear on odd errands each weekend and be gone many hours to the hardware store. He would disappear to the airplane hangar and sometimes just say he was going to the store. When he'd return after many hours he would smell like he had been with the OW, the car would smell of her and he would sometimes even have scratches on his back from her. He refused to admit it each time I brought anything up. I was paranoid. I was "unattractive when I showed such unfounded jealousy."
He also was frequently too tired for sex or too sick or just not "in the mood." He also started having chest pains that the doctor couldn't diagnose. He exhibited signs of depression and he became even more short tempered with me and our S20.
I knew it was the stress of all the lies and duplicity but he wouldn't acknowledge any of it. I began to think our sitch was hopeless.
In May 2006 I was finally able to accompany him on his trips and stay with him for extended periods of time. I decided that if he did not acknowledge his A and commit to trying to fix our M, then I was going to leave. At that point he acknowledged an EA.
I knew it was a PA but he denied it - even VOLUNTEERING that he'd never held her hand, never kissed her, never had any physical contact at all, never seen her naked etc. He said he couldn't have sex with her because he was so devoted to our M and to me.
Well, in mid May he admitted that he *might* be in love with the OW. He still denied any physical relationship. I asked him about the late night phone calls and he admitted that the OW's H had found out and confronted the two of them and that the OW told her H that she loved my H. My H said it ended it for a while.
In June he admitted that even though they did talk about computer issues, they had also engaged in sexual discussions to "turn each other on." I praised his honesty.
We started really trying to work on our R and the sex became really good, the communication became really good and I felt like we'd diverted disaster by catching the problem before it became a PA. I felt like everthing was finally getting out in the open.
We continued on our recovery plan and I returned to our home state occasionally with him and we almost always traveled together on the same schedule. It seemed like it was going well. He admitted that he had told the OW that she was "dear to him" but that he'd never told her that he loved her.
In late June I had a burglary and lost my laptop, cell phone and credit cards. We worked together to get everything replaced and we felt good that we'd done it TOGETHER. It felt like we were a real couple again.
On July 31st, after I replaced my computer, I was moving files to my new computer from his laptop. I moved a file containing images and videos. I thought the file was mine since I am a professional artist and keep lots of images on my computer and I'd used his to download many of my memory cards. The images were simply numbered like they are recorded on the memory cards.
Well, one of the files that I moved wasn't mine. It was filled with images of the OW naked and videos of her doing stripteases. Then there were the videos he'd made for her. I won't go into that.
I was shattered. Devastated. I called my H at work and told him what I'd found. He told me that she'd just sent them to him and what was he to do? I asked why he didn't detroy the files then and he had no answer. I also asked why, if he'd not asked for them and if he didn't want to receive them, why he didn't tell her to stop sending them. No answer. Why were the files dated from early 2005 all the way to April 2006. No plausible answer or excuse.
In August he admitted to having her as cyber sex partner but again assured me that that it was not a PA. I am not an idiot. I knew for months and still he was denying it. Obviously the statements about not seeing her naked were untrue so I knew all of the rest was crap as well. Then he admitted that she was picking him up at the airport for months. He still denied anything P! Eventually he said they made out but, and pressed their bodies together to "simulate sex" but to use his words: "There was no skin to skin contact."
I finally drew my line in the sand and told him I WOULD NOT TOLERATE any more lies. I told him in an email how disrespectful it was to me, my self-worth and my intellect. Well....he said he didn't know if or how to respond to it. After several days he did respond and admitted that yes, they had begun a PA in December of 2005 and had engaged in sex "a couple of times" but mainly "they just talked."
I knew that they had begun their PA at least as early as the late Spring of 2005 but he claimed that he couldn't remember. Weeks went by and more and more tidbits surfaced: little secret websites that they'd set up for one another, pet names they called each other, dates they'd had etc. Saved chat conversations, videos, photos. I felt betrayed, lost, shattered and felt like I was living with a complete stranger. Everything was a lie. I couldn't tell when the lies would stop surfacing. I was drowning.
In Septemeber he 'remembered' that they "probably' began sleeping together in the summer of 2005. Still very few details because he "can't remember."
So I continued to ask questions and he told me that theirs was a completely PA ONLY, not an EA on his part. I guess he thought I'd forget that he'd said "It's only an EA." Now it was only a "PA."
Then admitted that he professed his love for her to her and that she did the same. He told me he only told her that to get the sex. He told me that she'd cry whenever he couldn't be with her and that he'd cave each time.
He told me that he'd shared our financial information with her because 'she asked' under the pretence of getting information for her and her H.
He told me that her H knew about their EA and their cyber sex but that he didn't know anything else.
Now I am supposed to be working on repairing our M. We have read Michelle's books and articles. We have had telephone consultations with an MC on this site. The problem is, I can't find the trust again. I am paranoid about his every move. I wonder where he goes at lunch (I drive him to and from his office), who he calls, who he meets, with whom he talks. I can't sleep.
I can't get my own life back.
I don't know who he is or who I am anymore.
I can't seem to move on at all. I've almost conquered the urge to snoop. I have occasional lapses. He wants to do anything to help the process and I believe that he would do anything to fix things. I also believe that he loves me and I love him.
I just do not know if I want to be married to him.
We were best friends before we married and he is still the one with whoom I want to share the important things in my life. We have had a LOT of fun together for the last 25 years. We have a wonderful son, a comfortable life and many common interests. We've shared adventures, we've lived through "sickness and in helath" issues - major chronic conditions. We've lived through "for richer or poorer" - a couple of times. Those were mainly my fault - when I get paranoid and when I am alone I tend to buy things. I have just about conquered that beast too - by being transparent about our maoney issues. It's nice to not cringe if he gets the mail!
I can't though, get rid of the pictures in my head. I've tried meditation, diversion tactics, changing environments and activities when the images begin flooding my brain and nothing seems to work.
I feel romantic towards him but as he nears me I know she has seen him in the same situation. I know she has seen him remove his glasses. I know she has felt and explored his body. It drives me insane. It makes me not want to touch him while at the same time I want to touch him.
Am I crazy? Should I seek IC? He doesn't think he needs anymore C - that he is fine. I feel like he thinks the recovery process is in my lap and that I'm holding up the show. Maybe I am but I didn't choose what he did. I know that. His choices are what has put us/me in this sitch. I guess I am still playing the blame game. He says I am choosing to hold on to the images and the pain. He says I am choosing to be unhappy. I really don't think that's the case. I am happy more than I was a few months ago, but my mood can end up spiralling downward in seconds.
I am still just so fearful that something else will crop up - that more information that has been witheld and will blind-side me. He won't share any more details. He says I just don't know what he was feeling and what the two of them did or what they had together or what they meant to each other - but he won't elaborate so that I have the pieces to the puzzle. I can't put the picure away because so many parts are missing.
Hi there, I'm sorry you found out the worst way about the A, I sort of found out in a bad way too, letters and picts and other stuff. Right now the pain is unbearable, but trust me, it will fade in months to come, it never seems like it will, but with will power and a good C you will be able to manage the pain.
Your H needs to go to C w/you, and you should see a C individually too.
Quote: He says I am choosing to hold on to the images and the pain. He says I am choosing to be unhappy. I really don't think that's the case. I am happy more than I was a few months ago, but my mood can end up spiralling downward in seconds
He is either just being unsencitive or trying to divert his blame, doesn't want to face how much he's hurt you. One can't just stop thinking of the images of the op from one day to the other. He needs to validate you accept he's hurt you.
Quote: He won't share any more details.
That is a tough one, my H wouldnt' either (though I found out plenty by the stuff I found). It took several months for him to tell me stuff, mainly I got info through tearfull conversations and me accusing him of stuff, not the best way to get it I admit. In time I was able to talk calmly and without accusing him, he opened up best that way. When I cornered him he either clamed up or say he didn't remember, I learned that even if he said anything in these instances that I couldnt' even trust that.
I know you hurt, but when one is very emotional and we bombard our S w/questions we might not get much or might not get the truth. Granted, he needs to be able to tell you stuff. Also, pick your battles, how much more do you want to know? it seems like you already know a whole lot by now, and I have learned, sometimes learning ALL the details isnt' good either, because one thinks more and MORE about every little thing that happened, and your mind just never ends mulling about the stuff they did/said to each other. Then more questions come up and it is a never ending circle.
Call a C now and talk w/someone, dont' bottle it up. I've learned that I had to face the hurt to get over it, so that when I was fine and the bad thougths assaulted me I was able to say "I have faced you (hurtful thought/image) already, I know I will hurt by thinking about you, so I dont' want you, I have forgiven my H already"
A wonderful book for healing is "healing the hurt in your marriage", specially the chapter on forgiving.
It has been 5mths afte I've learned about my H's A, it doesn't loom over my live anymore like it used to, I used to marinate on the info daily, hourly some days, but thanks to God I am free of the stinging pain, it doesn't have the punch it used to have, it will happen to you too, I promise. I now have to remind myself not to look into that "abyss", because it will pull me down again if I look back and ponder about what went on.
Here is my link of when I found out about my H's PA, read the posts people put up for me, there are awesome posts which helped me heal, I encourage you to select the posts from this DB board, copy them and print them, and when you are feeling like you can't go on read them and re-read them.
You are very encouraging. Today I was struggling with the fact that it is a holiday for the OW and her kids and that he had a lunch date scheduled with a friend that he'd not seen or heard from in months. Even though I really wanted to take hin to work and then stalk the parking lot to see if it was who he said it was, I didn't. I took a sleeping pill and slept in. I was really surprised when he suddenly turned up here at home to have lunch with me. It was a nice surprise. I'm glad I slept in and his lunch appointment got 'postponed.'
See, I go through so many ups and downs. So happy that he chose to come home and be with me and st the same time, feeling like a louse for not trusting him - again.
I am going to interview some C for IC. I woul dlike to talk to someone who is not talking to BOTH of us. We have had about 10--11 sessions with JoAnn through DB and she has been so very helpful and managed to get us through the initial crises immediately. From that day I felt like there was some hope.
Thank you again for your encouragement. I keep hearing "time heals all things" but time seems to be my enemy sometimes - especially the times when I cannot sleep.
I so sorry for what you've gone through. These cheating spouses just make me so damn angry sometimes! My H was a little different in that he left me almost as soon as he fell for the OW. I do tend to believe that he didn't start a PA until he had told me he wanted a D (a whole 2 months after I knew there was ANY problem with our M).
So in that sense there wasn't the months of ongoing lying that you've had to deal with. I can only image how hard it is to regain trust after that and no, you're certainly not crazy! I do have to deal with the knowledge that they are still together, making a life for themselves, but it's certainly a lot easier now, than when I found out back in July.
I recommend an excellent book called 'Not Just Friends' by Shirley Glass. It's based on a lot of detailed research. It helped me to understand what my H did and why and there's alot about healing and recovering your M. I had Joann as a coach too for a couple of sessions, although my DB efforts have fallen on deaf ears!
You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him discover it in himself. Galileo Galilei
