My H is in MLC. I filed for divorce 6 weeks ago. My H told me he is in love with his girlfriend. We had our first court hearing 4 days ago. I really do not want a divorce but I could not tolerate adultery. After the court hearing my H called me to tell me how good I looked at the hearing ---- Help me
Me: 45 H: 43 Married: 19 years Dated 05 years Bomb: 11/06 OW - "I love her, but still want you as my friend"
I'm so sorry. I think maybe we need to get more info. from you first. What's been going on in the marriage? Did he move out? You said YOU filed...if you don't really want a divorce, why did you file? Has the affair been going on a long time? You don't have to go through with it; you could withdraw the paperwork. Tell us more.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
The affair has been going on for two years. He said it just turned sexual about 6 months ago. When I found out about it I kicked him out of the house. I have three beautiful children who miss him.
Me: 45 H: 43 Married: 19 years Dated 05 years Bomb: 11/06 OW - "I love her, but still want you as my friend"
But when did you find out about it; was it recently or have you known for 2 years? I can understand filing if this has been going on 2 years and you've reached a breaking point. But if it's been more recent than that you may want to slow down a bit before you make any life altering decisions.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Welcome to the boards. It's a great place for support, venting, etc. And everyone here is on YOUR side!
Things to do immediately would be to just stop initiating any D-related actions. If H does, then come here and post and we'll see what we can do. But one step at a time, one day at a time.
The 'looking good' comment from your H must have been because you were doing a 180? Or did seeing you make him miss you and that's why he said that.
Continue with taking care of your looks, maybe change your haircolor, style of clothing, shoes, nail polish, etc. Your H is obviously noticing changes.
You haven't really said much about why your H was unhappy so as to seek another R, etc. Did he tell you why he was not content in the M?
You'll have to write down some 180 behaviors right away and also work on GAL (getting a life) immediately if you haven't already.
"Act as if": You are happy and content with yourself and life with or without H, specially around H.
Take care of yourself mentally and physically.
Reclaim the person you were when H fell in love with you!!
Give him something to come back to.
Read the 5 love languages book by Gary Chapman and take a stab at what H's love languages might be. Then start 'speaking' his language.
Tell us more about your situation.
Remember: An affair is a dysfunctional way of trying to save the marriage. I think Michele said this.
We REALLY need more info here. It sounds to me like your H has been having an EA for 2 years and that it turned into a PA just 6 months ago. You found out when? 6 weeks ago? When you filed for a D?
How did you find out about the A? And what did H say when you did find out? He obviously wasn't denying it if he admitted to physical relations with this woman.
How did he take you kicking him out?
Does he still see your 3 kids? Do you have a chance at those times to interact with him? How does that go? Do you act your best self?
If your H is involved in an A and right now does not want any part of your M, then you're going to have to focus on being his friend, just casually, GAL, laugh, smile, and use HIS love language in a subtle way when you interact on any level with him. Be cool, calm, composed and the picture of beauty, serenity and 'perfection'.
thank you every one for the advice yesterday. I am going nuts with this MLC stuff. To clarify, I found out that my husband was having a pa with his secretary 6 weeks ago. I kicked him out of the house. He said that he no longer has feelings for me, and he loved her. We did everything together, including bible study. He responded with anger when I kicked him out but has settled down somewhat. I filed for divorce and we already had our first court hearing. He seems to be in the Depression/Withdrawal stage. Tomorrow my daughter has a band concert. How should I treat him????
Me: 45 H: 43 Married: 19 years Dated 05 years Bomb: 11/06 OW - "I love her, but still want you as my friend"
Okay...first, your husband is almost certainly in Replay. Depression permeates ALL stages of MLC and MLCers cycle emotionally...so since the divorce process is new, he may seem to be depressed or withdrawing.
Read the resource threads at the top ot thie forum.
Read Men in Midlife Crisi by Jim Conway. Look up midlife books at your library...just keyword 'midlife' and at Amazon.
If you can, stop the divorce...and at least stop doing anything to push it along. This is going to be a long ride...so prepare yourself by reading.
