Observation and Caution

[imLIN]

I just wanted to share something that I see happening to some of us here....it happened to me before H and I began the long road back together...

What am I talking about???

This place...it is wonderful for getting support, advice, help, and a feeling of not being a lone....but I see something else from time to time that concerns me greatly...I had it happen to me...we start sharing the most deepest intimate parts of our soul....our raw pain with others...then someone reaches out to us...we make that one "special" in our minds...we are all lonely...feeling abandoned...unloved....unlovable sometimes....and wondering if there will be love again...then that "special" person really reaches out to us....maybe email....then phone calls....before long there begins to be feelings...it feels so good....so right...so much like what we are wanting....no, what we are NEEDING...

This is were my concern is....because it happened to me...I met a very very nice man....he wanted to help me DB...I was there to support him...when things looked really hopeless he reached out to me...my heart tugged...next thing I know he is flying clear across the country to meet me....no....I didn't sleep with him....we kept seperate rooms (now I am so very very greatful for this)....we did hug and hold hands....it all felt so right

But then when he returned home I had to really sit and ask myself "Is this so right?"....in all honesty it wasn't....
I almost skipped a very important step....we all talk about fixing ourselves...making sure we are becoming the best person we can be....remember we want to be the best person for our returning spouses....for a new person...for ourself....but...and this is a biggy....if we skip that and find someone else....we halt our healing process...and worse if that someone is dealing with the same thing we are they halt theirs too...remember what led us here...it isn't ever just one side that strayed....one person that ruined the marriage....there is always two sides...two persons....even if at the time we thought we were wonderful....or if we realize that we did a lot of things to drive our mate away....it doesn't matter....we were part of the problem....and that problem takes time to fix....even if we don't get back together but really do start over and new with another person...and I have heard it said that it takes 1 year for every 7 years of marriage to heal from the divorce....I think that can be extreme but I do know that it takes longer then a few months...and in my case it took 2 years and then it was with my H...

So does anyone else have any thoughts on this....I am just wondering if you have seen this....I know there is the kidding....but then there is the type of flirting...and references to conversations by phone that you know things are becoming more involved on a personal level....

Just on my mind....something I think about often....especially now that H is back home with me....

[hopefloats7]

imLIN,

I wanted to reply to you, but I'm not entirely sure I understand your question.
Are you asking if some of us here have formed some kind of kindred bond with another poster from these boards, and taken it to another level? Or are you asking if some of us have dated in general?
If the latter, then, yes, I have, but ONLY after I was legally separated, and not one day before that. I lived apart from my H for over a year and kept entirely to myself. I was in no shape to be dating no matter how many people kept saying I should "get out there". Blah.
Even now, I'm not entirely sure I should be dating, but I haven't been seeing anyone recently so this isn't a problem currently.
As for these boards, if you are asking have I or anyone gotten involved with another DB'er, I can say no to that. I only met 2 people from these boards in person over a year ago, and they actually posted in the Infidelity section...and we were just good friends only.

[BaseballAnnie]

Well, fig and I have been very open about our girl love for one another.

And if Chica will ever agree the three of us are running away to Puerto Rico together to start a commune.

That's probably not what you were talking about though, huh?



Sorry to be a smarty pants, but it's Saturday night, and I am home so nothing better to do.

Plus I knew fig would get a hoot out of it.

BA

[BluePoet]

Well it doesn't have to be that way. Now, I have developed a new R in the course of DBing as well (but not from here), but NG knows what my personal goals are and is helping me grow as a person -- encouraging me in the kitchen and teaching me, but letting me do the actual cooking for the most part. He knows my other goal is being more independent and thus he is not encouraging dependence by being around 100%. He's helping me get out and about to meet people and see new local places.

So see, he's doing all the things that my STBX i]should have been doing, but was either too ignorant or selfish to do -- or STBX just really didn't love me enough to encourage personal growth.

I'd say, if a person feels the only way they can GAL is to let go and find another relationship - that's okay BUT realize that you need to have it with someone who will help you GAL and detach. That means detaching from being dependent on anyone, not just the ex-spouse. Because being dependent is one of the reasons we ended up too needy in the first place! We need to become people for whom anyone who enters our lives is optional - not a "I must be in a relationship" kind of person.

But it's hard to go from being needy straight to a person living independently. So sometimes an interim "make us stronger" relationship can help if it doesn't overwhelm the GAL part of DBing. We have to have our life outside that relationship and not make it the full focus of our new life. (Though I realize even myself that this is difficult at times, when you feel really comfortable with someone!)

Hope this makes sense...
BluePoet

[imLIN]

Hope...I am talking about people here starting out as a support for each other and then getting caught up in a relationship....sort of goes contrary to why we are here I think....but as I stated....I do understand how it happens because it happened to me....

I have been watching a few members here and I see what appears to be EA beginning....and I think this might confuse some into thinking that it is time to give up on their spouse or ex....when really it is the confusion of the EA and the fact that they want that "feeling"....they don't want to wait and see....

Sorry I am being way to serious tonight I am afraid...just have one hell of a week here....

BaseBallAnnie....you crack me up....you go on your girly romance and hope you get to Puerto Rico someday, lol....

[FaithfulH]

imLin, Does this mean our "date" is off?

Seriously, I understand your concern and will say that I have worried at times whether I would have the strength to do what DBing/GALing requires...instead of giving in to the temptation to seek companionship early in the process. I will say that God has amazed me because He has strengthened me more and more every day...and I still feel like I have a long way to go before I am able to have a healthy relationship...even with my WAW if she were to decide to try.

I just started listening to David Schnarch's "Secrets of a Passionate Marriage" on audio CD and he talks about 4 key things that we need to be able to do before we can have a healthy relationship (I'll paraphrase):

1) Understand who we are as individuals
2) Be able to handle our own "issues" instead of relying on others (1 & 2 sound like GAL and PMA, huh?)
3) Stop reacting to everything another person says or does (sounds like detaching, huh?)
4) Sorry...don't remember 4...but, it was something like "be vulnerable"

[Any Passionate Marriage disciples?...feel free to correct]

My point is that we must be able to work through these 4 steps...or the DB, GAL, PMA, Detach, Act As If steps to get to a point where we can have a thriving relationship. It is clear to me that I started the DB approach ONLY to try to win my W back...but it has now become MY journey to a better place with or without her. I am too excited about continuing this journey to mess it up by thinking about another R now or any time soon....although it is fun to flirt with all of the beautiful ladies here (sorry).

[Scooter]

This is really a private matter. What you have written about has been happening since the dawn of man. Just because it occurs over the internet doesn't make it any different.

I do have to say this. I am appalled by your post because of your selfishness. This is not only about you, it about another DBer and the vast majority of people here are able to put 2 and 2 together and figure out who the poor guy victim is and how this is going to affect him.

All sitches on here aren't good however, your victim's sitch has to be one of the cruelest sitches I've seen in a long time. I'm very doubtful that the humiliation and embarassment that your thread will attract is unlikely to help him heal sooner.

My fear is this public disclosure, this despicable breach of trust, this kiss and tell sob story, will drive him away from the board. He heals from writing and his writings bring enormous value to the community (just read his last detailed post). His posts bring way more value that yours which I have to say make pathetic reading. I actually don't blame your H from leaving you because I'd do the same, MLC or no MLC.

Why couldn't you just let this go? Chalk it up to something that wasn't right (even though you were a willing participant) and show some courtesy to some poor schmuck who was misguided enough to have believed that you were worth it.

The best thing you can do, for everyone concerned is to email the mods to take this thread down. If this doesn't appeal to you, how about asking for the thread to be retitled "Some advise if you are an selfish fool".

We aren't all as stupid, inconsiderate and selfish as you are and your thread adds absolutely no value to DBing or this board.

Scooter

[Bworl]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa......THIS post is way out of line!

Scooter, I'm sure whoever you think it is that you are defending appreciates the fact that there are people wanting to defend him, but I gotta tell you that you are WAY off the mark on this post.

FIRST - Linda is not posting this to the man that she "MET" early on in her situation. I believe you have confused the issue there. And chances are that if you think you know who it is that she met, you are likely wrong.

SECOND - I don't know about anyone else, but Linda has walked beside me every step of the way in my own situation. She has comforted when comfort was called for, she has chided me, advised me, encouraged me, all the things that I've needed from time to time to get through whatever I or Anne had done to stir things up. She is a treasured friend to me. Your suggestion that her posts are not of value is not only WRONG big time, but it is also incredibly MEAN and CRUEL, seemingly just to be MEAN and CRUEL.

I can't imagine anyone on this board ever telling another that they understand how a spouse could have left them. It's just mean, heartless, and nasty.

Think what you will about this thread or Linda's motivation for starting it. She is an awesome woman who has seen her MLC husband finally come home after two years, and yet still finds time to make it on this board and reach out to those in need.

Sorry Scooter, your post was mean, uninformed, and if anything should be removed, I think your post is the best candidate.

LINDA, Sorry for that. Hope you will ignore everything Scooter said and continue on with your work.

Blessings,

Bill

[Bworl]

Just had to get that stupid black widow label off this post.

Honestly...

Bill

[Rollercoasterider]

I agree with Bworl.

Scooter you make an excellent point and perhaps Imlin should have taken some things into account.

But you crossed several lines over by insulting her directly. You wouldn't be with her because you and she wouldn't have ever been together...it has nothing to do with her husband.

The post that should be deleted is yours. The thread being deoleted...as I said you make an excellent point and this could be considered.

BUT she brought up an excellent point. I've seen some beceom close here and been concenred also. I've been concerend not myself, but I've had quite a number of male posters over the months that have taken my advice more personally than it was intended.

The greatest apology owed is from Scooter to Imlin.

The DB staff perhaps should determine whether the entire thread is deleted or not.

RCR