my infedility, pls help

[r]

I confessed to my H about the affair i had 10 months ago (march 2006).the thing happend for about 2 weeks. this was how it happened....... im taking up nursing at a college accepting 2nd coursers (those who have graduated from a 1st college degree). my H is the one who finances my study and everything in our household since i've been a full time housewife for several years. at age 22, we lived together for about 5 years and got married, we've been together now for 13 years and have 2 daughters. though we were married we were not communicating well and i can say never friends. we fought a lot, he handles all our financial affairs, there wasn't a cent to my name and had to beg for money from him everytime.4 years ago his parents bought a lot for us to build our house and we did with thier help.he has such a great and supportive family especially his parents. as for me i'm a product of wedlock, an illegitimate child, with two half siblings also out of wedlock. my half sister and i were sexually abused by our own respective fathers. i was molested when i was about 9 or 10 years old until 16 years of age. my mother was seeing another man while being a mistress of my siblings father. a thing which i kept from my husband from the beginning (because i'm so ashamed). and because i don't see him as a person who would understand and support me because of the way he had treated me. i felt so lousy in the whole marriage because i have no job, no money for my self, my self-esteem is so low that hatred and self pity sucked in me. i kept applying for a job (being a graduate of business degree major in accouting), i couldn’t get any. so i ask my parents - in - law for help (if i could work for them in one of their business),but there wasn't room for me there. so my husband and i decided to let me go to school again in order to help with our financial difficulties in the future as a nurse and go USA. as a student again (@ age of 33) i made friends with my classmates and had a peer group of 7, all of them single and i was the only one married.as months go by i sensed that i had developed an attachment with my friends. i feel happy when im with them, i forget my problems at home, i just got to laugh with them all the time. even if im not with them i would still stay at school til 6pm just to delay going home. we are 4 women and 3 men in a group. one of my male friend Y and a female friend X are lovers (boyfriend-girlfriend).
in the next year (2005) of school our class was reshuffled and we had different classmates for the ist semester. my female friends were in a different section and I was in a section with Y and another male friend. Y (27 y.o) and I got close because we were always together. his girlfriend X was in a different section. so Y and I sort of became buddies with our class assignment and group activities. we would have snacks/coffee together or with other classmates, converse with just about anything, answer crossword puzzles. he makes me laugh and I pour out some of my problems on him especially when my husband and I fights. little did I know that was the start of it. (the strain of studying and assignments was so heavy that I just got so little time for my family. I wanted my husband to do his part also in attending to the children’s needs, PTA’s and card day. because of that also my husband started going out at night. he blamed me for that because according to him I got no time for him. I really tried to make time for him but sometimes I’m so tired from hospital duty that I would deny him of his sexual needs. so again we fight and I would hate him because he wouldn’t understand.) as time passed, being with Y became a relief, sensing that I asked my husband to let me go with him on weekends, on discos (which I like very much). though we did, my feelings for Y was already deep that I only wanted to be with him at that time. was that both an emotional and sexual attraction I felt?
come march(2006), we were to be assigned on hospital duty for 2 weeks out of town. and there it happened. I slept with Y. we consummated our “relationship” without intercourse at first. it started as masturbating him for 2 consecutive mornings after waking up beside him. Y asked if we could have sex but I refused. asking Y I told him I couldn’t handle it, I’m married, his girlfriend is my friend, what if get pregnant, what if people will find out. so instead he ask for a BJ in another time, which I did during our lunch break, in their room (where I also slept every night. two other male classmates occupy the room. but we did our fooling around once while 1 was asleep. but they know that I was sleeping in their room beside Y.) a week after, my husband told me through text messages that he would come visit me and that he misses me already. so I told him to come, which he did. when he arrived we looked for a motel/pension house for us to stay in. we made love that night, it was good. next morning he dropped me at our dormitory and he went back home. after about an hour, I went out to buy some thing at a grocery and text Y asking where he was. I went to the computer shop where he played and we went back to the dorm together afterwards to have lunch. we’re again in the room to rest after, we fooled around, again he asked me if its ok to have sex. hesitantly, I said maybe its ok. seeing that I was in tears, he stopped his thrust, and went inside the bathroom. coming back he asked me why I cried. I told him I was not fully sure, and I still could not do it with another guy beside my husband.
we went for a walk late that afternoon, hesitantly I asked why I feel that way for him, why I love him. also I asked him if he loved me back. he answered yes, and maybe it would be the two of us if you’re not married. sadly, I believed him. lm that stupid, don’t you think.
on our last night, we fooled around again a little more intense that time. I BJ him again because that’s the only thing I could give him and not the all the way type of having sex. next day we went back home. reality set in. as we went back to school for our exams I sensed that he was avoiding me or doing the opposite of the things which he did before. I realized that he just toyed with me. we never talked about what happened again. I started to pick myself up and went on with my studies.
sometimes I would see him flirt with my other female classmates. we are still classmate and group mates but I believe that my feelings are gone already.
last month, December 2006 I had my duty again on that same place for 1 week. that time it was to be with my peer group ( Y and his girlfriend, my 2 other female friends and 1 other male friend). I kept it from my husband because I know he doesn’t like me to be together with the male friends. he told me not to drink with anybody, but I still did with my peer, I smoked a little (he knows I never did). I lied about my duty having a 16 hour duty one night, I drank cause we had our last Christmas party.
I was so stupid to have done such things to my husband, to my children and everyone who cared for us. I don’t know if my behavior was influenced by the things that happened during my childhood. I really wanted to understand my behavior. I wanted to change my ways and the affair was something I have never dreamed that would happened to my marriage. I asked my husband for another chance in our life for the children’s sake. I told him that we would get through it, I ‘ll pick up the pieces and work hard on it. I’ll be graduating this march, hopefully. I know I love my husband and children. I can’t bear to be without them, can’t bear to hurt them. I love them very much. How do we heal from this??? Please help me make the right decision.

[Free_To_Be_]

For starters,

I'm sorry for all the pain and suffering you've experienced, and I'm sorry for all the other people in your relationship for the pain and suffering you've caused.

Know that life can go on with much more richness and satisfaction. Know that healing is possible. Know that forgiveness is possible, always for yourself, and hopefully for the others.

Having said that, the problems you recite/recall about childhood seem (in my amateur opinion) unresolved and in need of continued professional help and counsel.

This is not a quick fix, and I'm not a professional.

Please get the help that you need for you, and the help that your family needs.

All the best,

Free To Be

[r]

thanx very much.
as for getting professional help, been thinking of that already. but right now we are so hard up with our finances, it isn't possible as yet.
i'm thinking after i graduate and have a job.

as for the OM, i totally pulled away from him. i've realized though too late that he's not worth it (CRIED EVERYDAY about it).
my H kept on "bugging" (for lack of the right word to use) me about what i did. but i understand his pain and suffering.H told me that if ever, our M don't work out and we will get our annulment, and he would tell the children thae reason of our separation. i told him it wouldn't be good for the children to know. does he really have to tell the children?

[MnSPD]

r,

Both you and your H need to view this website. www.uptoparents.org This site is for divorcing and seperated parents. NEVER should a parent use a child against the other parent.

The issues you are facing with your H are ADULT issues. You both need to isolate the children, not include them.

From your own experience as a child, you know how difficult and how deep the scars can be.

The order of business is; Get yourself on track first. Second, take care of the kids and third, the marriage. Basically, if you aren't healthy, the rest will be difficult.

Also, educate yourself on affairs. There are many websites devoted to them. www.marriabebuilders.com www.break_free_from_the_affair.com save your marriage central all of which are unique in their own way. Learn ALL you can and move forward from there.

Stay patient,

Steve

[cat03]

my H kept on "bugging" (for lack of the right word to use) me about what i did.

How much of what happened have you told him, everything? he prob suspects you guys had sex, that's why. Be honest w/him, when we dont' know what happened (the cheated on) we create all this crazy scenarios and enlarge what really happened, he deserves all the truth from you (specially since you never had sex w the om)

H told me that if ever, our M don't work out and we will get our annulment, and he would tell the children

He is very hurt right now, that's why he is saying it. Dont' focus on this, focus on helping him heal, on earning his trust. I'm sure you've appoligize, on my end I needed to hear from my H constantly that I was the one he wanted now, that he wanted nothing w/the ow, that he prefered me and that I fulfill him. Now, maybe a male can post here and put what a guy would like to hear from his wife if she is the one who cheated.

Get the book 'not just friends' or 'after the affair' to understand your H's feelings a bit better. Give him lots of time, it took me months to stop obsessing hourly about my H and the ow he was seeing.

[r]

hi there.
i already told my H everything that happened with the OM. we just finished talking again a moment ago. H told me how awful, shameful, and ungrateful a person I am.That I just didn't fall in love with the OM, but really wanted to do the sexual thing with OM, that I planned and really wanted everything to happen, that I could have stopped it if I had really wanted to. He also told me that I'm such a bitch with the "itch".
H doesn't tell me to leave, but keeps telling me that he can't accept me anymore. If I leave for sure he won't let me bring the children along. CRIED AGAIN.
I just hope and pray that I'd make the right decision this time.
thanks.

[*KS*Chick*]

try to put yourself in his shoes. He's learning a lot about you right now, a lot of which he's unhappy with and he's hurt and lashing out at you. He will...for quite a while I'm afraid. Have faith, pray and listen to what these folks say. They're smarter than they look LOL (I hope you smiled)

[runningoutoftime]

A book that might be helpful is "Not 'Just Friends.'" It has some good information and steps on how to work through affairs, and also how easily they can happen so you can understand them better and avoid the same mistakes in the future.

Personally I'd try to avoid details about the affair for now. Admit having been weak and stupid, but that is the past and you are now focusing on being a better and stronger person. You are focusing on your career and kids... and you want to build up a good friendship with him. Unfortunately this might be really hard for awhile because he's angry and may say a lot of mean hateful things to you out of pain and a need to get that out. Somehow you'll have to find the strength to deal with some of that, give him a lot of space, try to be supportive. He may come through this either wanting to stay, or he may decide he can't handle it and leave. Either way you'll need to work on youself, building a good healthy self-esteem (which should help you avoid unhealthy relationships in the future).

[cat03]

sadly, yes, lots of hurtful things are said when one finds out, I mostly badmouthed the ow, so I can see why he is just trying to hurt you like you hurt him.

The first months are the worst, so brace yourself for that, he will be stewing in the knowledge daily, as much as he allows it, reaffirm him that you want him, that you respect him. Would he go to marriage counceling w/you? have you suggested it? Are seen a therapist yourself? you might want to think about seeing one to help you cope and deal w/your H's lashing out in pain.

[D11912]

Quoting R: H doesn't tell me to leave, but keeps telling me that he can't accept me anymore. If I leave for sure he won't let me bring the children along. CRIED AGAIN.
I just hope and pray that I'd make the right decision this time.

Hi there,

Welcome to the boards.

What you say here above is very important. Your H isn't asking you to leave. So DO NOT LEAVE. Do not initiate any conversations that focus on this issue for now. Focus on asking for forgiveness, and showing love to your H even though it's going to be like loving an aligator!

Keep in mind that your H is hurting like everyone else says, so he's going to say some nasty, nasty things to you. You're going to have to be patient and apologize and ASK FOR HIS FORGIVENESS. Look into his eyes when you do this.

Give him some loving space maybe. And the reassurances are key. He's also going to go through some ups and downs and the healing is going to take a while...months and maybe even a year for COMPLETE healing. I know because my exH cheated on me and even though we're now D, it took me a long time to heal from it. So healing is possible...time will work it's magic.

In the meantime, you will have to be the perfect W as H will insist on blaming and finding fault and such for a while. Just reassure him and ask for his forgiveness.

Also, tell us more about the day to day at your house. You said that your H has been unloving to you in some ways over the years.....That is only going to get worse for a while until the storm is averted.

Have you read Divorce Remedy already?

Also, I would advise you (if you're comfortable) to start journaling on the boards or in your own diary the childhood abuse and such you faced. Since you're not seeing a therapist right now, use whatever sources like this board or a trustworthy friend to vent/talk about your past and all that buried hurt....

(((((hugs)))))

rainbowlove

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