Off the crazy train?

[trytoohard]

Thanks Chevelle (my H's first car by the way, lots of great memories of that car.. )

Yes, the ML is great and I feel it brings us closer...just me being insecure I guess.

I sent H a care package to his condo this past week (he is working out of state until the 31st) containing two CD's I had burned for him. One is a CD I burned last January after our anniversary and his refusal to see me or talk to me. Lots of longing and heartbreak on that CD.

When I got home, H had sent me the most beautiful e-mail ever thanking me for the goodie bag and expressing his love for me and sorrow over his treatment of me throughout our marriage. I was floored! I cried, re-read it and cried about a dozen times.

Patience, deep faith in God and complete detachment with love is what has worked so far.

Praise the Lord for blessings received and answered prayers!

[trytoohard]

H came back from FL yesterday. I picked him up from the airport then we all went as a family to pick up S16's car from the body shop (he is restoring a classic car) then went to dinner as a family. We had a great time. H stayed the night and we had a great time again! I am thrilled he is home but scared of obstacles I have yet to define. DB has been my guide map through this trip on the crazy train but I'm not sure what to do now.

H has told OW NC. He works with her but not in the same building, however he will have to see her at times. I have asked that he tell me when he sees her or speaks to her in any way. H is going to give her the "stuff" OW gave him over the last two years as she asked for it. That should be it with contact.

I am still amazed at the number of things that bring the A to mind daily. Phrases, songs, places etc... I wish I knew how long this phase lasts, any guesstimates?

[trytoohard]

Journaling here...

H had a horrible day yesterday and called me late in the afternoon to vent. I validated and let him calm down then told him some "funnies" I had received via e-mail at work that he appreciated. He called later in the evening after I had gotten home from work and seem distracted and down. I asked him what was up and he keep hemming and hawing around until I said "did you see ******* today?" to which he replied "no". I then asked him if he talked to her and he said "yes". I went out on a limb and asked him why he feels compelled to call her and he replied "It's the letting go". OW is not happy with him and H states she wants to "walk away from him with what dignity she still has intact". It's a good thing that I have spent so much time here over the past year and a half and learned as much as I have or I would be over the edge. I have been blessed incredibly by the Lord and that along with these BB has provided a lit path to walk down in this walk for my marriage.

I don't trust H as far as I can throw him at this point and since I had detached almost completely in preparation for my divorce, this doesn't hurt as bad as it could.

I cannot enforce NC nor do I intend to, but does anyone have any suggestions about how to handle a sitch like this?

[cat03]

Don't push, that's all, let him be, he prob feels he's doner her wrong and seems like ow is putting it that way, so it's a double wammy on him.

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I am still amazed at the number of things that bring the A to mind daily. Phrases, songs, places etc... I wish I knew how long this phase lasts, any guesstimates?
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Read my last post on my thread on this board. You can remember without condemning, and all those "things" that remind you of the A will fade. It took me about 6mths of hard work to push back the mental images and thanks to God I don't marinate on the A nor ow's thoughts anymore.

It must be hard enought for him to leave such a long R w/her and then have her on his case. It might take longer than other sitches in which there is no contact, but remember to be his safe place, be his friend.

The trust will come back, slowly but it will, just make sure you always give your H the benefit of the doubt.

[Concerned_Listener]

TTH,
I seem to recall that H was going to tell you when he had contact with the OW. He also was going to suspend contact once her items were returned. Where are you at in the process? Were these your private R goals, or did he agree to it? Did he meet these expectations?

Do you think it's possible that he's trying to solve the termination issue with her? Does it sound like it's coming to and end? Is it a problem he would consider letting you help him with? Would you be willing to help him manage her, so that he can terminate the R?

Did your tone of voice promote defensiveness in him? It sounds like the conversation was short and abrupt. If you approached him like a partner, with the intent of being helpful and nonjudgmental, could there be a different outcome?

Concerned_Listener

[trytoohard]

TTH,
I seem to recall that H was going to tell you when he had contact with the OW. He also was going to suspend contact once her items were returned. Where are you at in the process?
He just returned Tuesday. Has not returned her stuff yet and had agreed to tell me when he saw or spoke to her. I basically had to "gently extract" the info from him when I sensed his unease.

Were these your private R goals, or did he agree to it? Did he meet these expectations?
He agreed to no contact after her stuff was returned (I see a loophole here!) He has not met those expectations yet.

Do you think it's possible that he's trying to solve the termination issue with her? YES

Does it sound like it's coming to and end? YES

Is it a problem he would consider letting you help him with? MAYBE

Would you be willing to help him manage her, so that he can terminate the R? ABSOLUTELY!

Did your tone of voice promote defensiveness in him?
He was very withdrawn and behaving like he does when he wants me to quiz him because he doesn't want to come out and say something that might upset me. I have never been a yeller or screamer and am often very calm (too clinical according to my therapist :))

It sounds like the conversation was short and abrupt. If you approached him like a partner, with the intent of being helpful and nonjudgmental, could there be a different outcome?
The conversation was gentle and reassuring in my opinion. I have been his most devoted friend for the past 6 weeks and been supportive of him openly mourning her, to the point that H often forgets that I am his wife and says things that would rip the heart out of a normal person. H is still not being honest with me and he is testing my boundries at this point. I have asked for honesty and proved that I can handle anything he tells me calmly and with love (according to him).

I feel like he panicked over New Years at the impending divorce and realizing our M was almost over. I feel like H is settling for me because I have been his most devoted friend and faithful wife, like I deserve the prize if you will. I had detached to the point that he felt it, knew in his bones that I had let him go and he didn't want to be let go. His first therapy appt will be next week with a fantastic therapist, great reputation. His other counselor was unwilling/able to help him sort out his feelings for me and OW due to his Christian base.

Should I ask him to return her stuff ASAP or let him do it on his own time? If I insist on NC, I feel like he will just contact her anyway then lie to me. I have been a bit of a doormat with regard to validating and accepting his "needs". Boundries are something I am trying to master now that I've got detatchment down!


Concerned_Listener

[Concerned_Listener]

TTH,
You seem to be working from a position of strength. You say that he panicked, when he realized that D was looming on the horizon, and that you were prepared for it. I think he knows that boundaries will be set.

I see what you mean about the loophole. I don't see what difference it makes whether or not the items are returned. Why does he have to wait to have NC?

It sounds like you're confident the OP relationship is terminating. He certainly is pushing his luck if he continues to have contact with her.

It sounds like your tolerance level for consistent OP contact is low. It sounds like he better get to work with this counselor, or he's going to lose a M. You've had it with his affair-type behaviors.

You may be working on defining clear boundaries, but it's CLEAR that there will be swift and severe consequences if they are crossed. No contact versus a few more contacts at this point is probably not of great significance. He's running out of time.

Concerned_Listener

[trytoohard]

Thank you for the validation CL. How do you deal with the sick feelings and sometimes overwhelming need to "find out more"? I see by your sitch that GW has taken liberties with your patience and love as well?

H is coming over again tonite. Last night he was quite distracted and troubled but refused to talk. One thing he said to me about OW was that she doesn't let him just walk away from her, she makes him talk to her...not sure if he liked that about her or not. I feel that often times he waits for me to extract info then he can either confirm or deny but the words came out of my mouth not his. My therapist is suggesting that radical honesty is to be expected by me of him. How to implement is the question?

[trytoohard]

Cathching up on my own thread here as it's been several months since my last update...

H and I are still living apart but growing closer ever so slowly. He spends usually one to two nights a week at the house and it is usually very relaxed and enjoyable. Our sex life has improved leaps and bounds and it feels almost like we are teenagers again!

H and I are both seeing the same therapist who is wonderful. Lots of painful stuff we are dealing with in IC. I am still not ready for him to move back home and I don't think he is ready to move back home, there is still so much work to do.

We are having more open, effective communication and more conversation that does not revolve around the A. That being said, I don't feel that he has stopped all contact with her. My gut tells me that they still communicate and not just about work topics.

Things are moving along nicely, no pressure on either side at this point. For the first time in my life I can say "Slow is good".

I do still struggle with thoughts about contacting ow and her H. I get bugged that she "gets off scot-free" in all of this and would like to cause her some pain but my rational mind knows it would not do anything positive for our sitch.