You are a beautiful strong woman, able to accomplish her goals, without some crutch of a man around to hold onto.
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I have never thought of H as a crutch or of any man as a crutch, I can have a nice happy life with out H or a man. But I really want that relationship, I have been happier and better with my H specificaly than ever in my life. I thougth we were inter-dependant. There was no one serious for 7 years before I met him. I'm picky. My H is one of a kind, in many ways a mench (spelling), and I won't meet another him.That said, you are right, I am attractive and personable, though my sadness and this sitch has made me like nervous, and untrusting and I wonder if I can ever open up that trust again? But, either way, I know God will give me what I need, and hopefully that special relationship with or without him, where you know and trust that the person you married always has your best interest at heart. Where you love and respect eachother. I thought we had that, what a fool was I? I was proud of our marraige, too proud I guess.
But it's obvious that he thinks of love as a feeling and not a choice. It's so sad that he doesnt' understand the feelings can come back. That if we hang on we can come back even better, I miss so his hugs and kisses too, and calling me sweet names. But it can't happen anyway if he's miserable and really can't get it back. And I wouldn't want his spirit to be dashed, as he has dashed (but not extinquished) mine.
And I dont' know if I can ever feel comfortable with him again either, I dont' want to be in a marriage where I feel I have to walk on eggshells, where I can't trust that D is NOT AN OPTION. Because we both see the relationship as a covenental one. I was always myself with him before we married. Certainly got blindsided by MLC?
OK let me regroup and get back to humor. Off to get some excersize!
Well I do have to keep my sense of humor! and you certainly helped with that. And by the grace of God, I must be doing OK if I can laugh out loud at your post.
I said something funny?...or did you mean someone else?
I didn't know I was being funny...I should pay more attention to myself!
I'm heading up to bed but wanted to mention one thing before I go...
Quote: I think maybe I wasn't there enough for him, that I've given him too much space.
Is this why you FEAR going dark?
Sweetheart's love language is Quality Time. I'm a writer. I would go to work and come home and write...or do computer research. My extra time was always spent critiquing manuscripts, editing my own work, reading, more reading, more reading and doing research. Much of that has not changed.
Then while working full time I went back to school. I don't know that this increased my critiquing, reading, writing and research time...but Sweetheart assoicated all of it with school after a few years. He was so excited about the time we would be together after graduation...but bomb drop was only about four months later.
Through out probablyall of our years I worked and then came home and often holed up in the computer room for my writer's work. I brought manuscripts and books on camping trips. I have a favourite reading tree at our campground...he jet skiied and I read...and wrote.
At home while in the computer room he would be ont he couch and every few minutes he'd ssay "Where are you?" OR "What are you doing?" I would get so frustrated...hge's just asked and thus new very weel where I was and what I was doing...why did he kkeep asking?
And I feel so stuid about that now. My Sweethear felt neglected. He just wanted me to sit with him...and I was so busy I couldn't stop for...I mean I'd spend hours in here...and I worked a 40 hour week and had a 2-3 hour round triup commute. While in school I also went in a few hours early because I knew I wouldn't be bothered if I did my school work there before everyone arrived.
I have always been independent. I gave him space. And that was one of the first things I sought to change at bomb drop. I didn't take away space...we all need that. But I made an effort to spend time and do things with Sweetheart.
But going dark was alaso important...this was a man who WANTED to be with me and wanted to do things with me. My going dark didn't show him that I was neglectful still. I was straight forward with him regarding the reasons...
You see, he did have an OW and when he's not home, he is living at her house. I would not do activities...Buddy things with him when he was with her. And this was not firm...I always had to read the situation to sense what was needed. Sometimes he needed it and I was supposed to let him take a nibble of cake. Didn't like it...but sometimes you've got to play the game.
But when I sensed complete cake-eating I would cut him off...and I told him why. He was abusing (mentally) two woman--me and OW. This was not appropriate and I was not going to condone it by enabling the behaviour. I also told him it was to protect my heart...but I tried not to use that as an excuse...I only used it to the degree it was true.
Go Dark.
There isn't something that makes or breaks a situation. So you can test it. But I warn you...you may receive a reaction that you don't like and interpet it as a sign Going Dark isn't working...sometimes a technique works, but the intial appearance seems negative...anger, or he seems to like it...or something else.
Try it rather than making an assumption...and try it for three weeks minimum...to several months.
I say three weeks because Sweetheart's cycle was 2-3 weeks. He would move and try (not har) to contact me for 2-3 weeks. Then the calls would start...trying to see me and spend time iwth me....and sometimes he skipped the 2-3 week distant phase. But he didn't seem able to go more than three weeks. The other cycle was three months...he'd move out for three months...dark for three weeks and move him after three months...out three months later.
What this means is I would go dark knowing that he might try to match me in an I'll show her attitude. But I always won that staring contest. I knew his cycle and knew I wouldn't have to wait longer than three weeks. Sure it was frustrating and there'd be times you'd wonder if suddenly it would be different this time. But he stayed pretty consistent in it.
Be like an Oak...flexible AND firm. So don't be so stubborn that you won't negotiate, but do not fear anger or the silence of darkness. He needs this time.
And remember this isn't about how things were in reality, but rather about how he felt they were. Maybe you gave him space...but how did he feel? Or maybe you switched after things got bad...he may not have felt smothered before, but he may now.
And sacrifice something...let him go because HE NEEDS IT. He has some demons that he MUST face for his won well being. This risk is that maybe he won't come back to you. The benefit is that if he does, you can make things better than was possible had he not gone through this.
It's like a parent's worst nightmare. Your child needs surgery for a noraml and happy life. It is dangerous surgery and he may die. He may or may not survive without the surgery also...but will have a poor quality of life. So eother choice has the possiblity of death and only one choice has the possibility of an improved life. But do you take the risk...doing nothing somehow seems less risky since you can choose that option by being indecisive.
Your husband can go into the MLC tunnel and stay in their as a zombie. You can help him stay in their thruogh your behaviour...or he can get stuck their no matter how well you DB. But you can choose to let him go through this crisis and understand that if he is does make it out he can become a better person than was previously possible...BETTER. But you risk losing him to the zombie tunnel. What will you choose? You can hold onto the crumbs you have...some spouses put a gun to their WAH's head guilting a return. That is dooming him to a stangant life without growth...and filled with resentment.
I'm not saying you are doing that. What I masaying is that for him to be 'saved,' you need to let him go. It takes a lot of Faith. But trust that this is one of those places where the only footprints left behind will be God's as He carries your MLCer through this crisis.
I agree with your views on this. I to was guilty of neglect. Between my regular job and contracting on the side, my hours could be from 12 to 16 hours a day. I have since given up the contracting work, but the damage has already been inflicted. My W felt abandoned I'm sure.
My W turned to OM. I went dark, very dark at that point. She to has her cycles and still leans heavily on me during those times of the month for emotional support. She did at one point believe She could have her cake and even told me point blank that's what she wanted, if you can believe that. Of course, I told her this was not practical for me or the kids and I know over time she now realizes this. She's still very confused. I don't feel guilty by going dark and I know she understands this is my position as long as OM is in the picture. She became angry at first over this behavior of mine, but has since learned to accept it as a result of her actions. I still do respond to any crucial needs She has, but I'm not involved in her day to day life. I'm not her daily dose of emotional comfort anymore and She notices it and responds in subtle gestures to that loss. I'm not sure what she was expecting out of me from the onset of her A, but I know for a fact it isn't what she is experiencing now. You really do have to COMPLETELY let go and let them figure this out for themselves. In my W case, it may be to late, I let go a while ago and don't know If I have the same feelings for her anymore. If I ever had to cross that bridge in the future, I really couldn't predict the outcome. I am however still in the healing process and probably will be for some time no matter how my bond to her dissipates.
It's ironic that many say they want their independence and freedom, but when it's granted unconditionally, they have second thoughts about what it was suppose to look and feel like. My W gave me that for an excuse early on, but I was never a controlling type and gave her all the freedom and independence to be herself that anyone could ask for. She had freedom and independence all along and I think She's now realizing this. I sense the OM is putting more demands on her now than I ever did. I think he may be having issues over my ghost. I believe the more absent (dark) I am from my W, the more I'm on her mind if that makes any sense.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
I was referring to FriendlyOnes concerning repeating the sentence about consulting with the lawyers.
It just struck me funny. I don't know why. I guess I hit the wrong reply button.
I want to know if this has been working for you? The going dark? I don't know your whole sitch. I'll read your post again. I certainly know what I've been doing hasn't worked. The times I got tickets to some event I thought he (actually we both) would be interested in seeing. He liked that. So I guess maybe his love language is QT but , I dont' know if he'd want to do anything with me at this point.
I certainly don't think so, but maybe I shouldn't asume. It would certainly seems too late now. Maybe he's been dropping hints, all along and I didn't get them? I don't know what I think about anything anymore. It all seems upside down.
When he left in '03 for 6 wks, I invited him for dinner once or twice. I know he wanted me to be a better planner, it's never been my strong suit. Maybe I should try that again in spite of everything?
Oh my goodness I still have that work to do. I feel exhausted from crying and aching, I need to buckle down and do work, but I feel so anxious that I HAVE to act, somehow, ,my M is slipping away and I don't know what to do! Running away to work hasn't helped. It's worse than ever it seems.
I need to pray for guidance. I have been and I don't know if I'm not listening very well or what.
I have a difficult enough time with not hearing Hs voice for days and knowing that he's well. I've dreaded this moment, him taking his things. His sister told me when I first met her, when we were engaged, that when someone gets on his badside he never changes his mind. And I can't stand it, I guess I rather be his friend than not, like you said, a true friend. Were's the balance in truely loving, in no acting out of ego and defensiveness or, the opposite of accepting the unaccepable.
Maybe it's like the movie "breakup"... we've been missreading our signals all along. But I don't know if his ego would allow him to change his mind now. Cause then whoever he's told whatever, well. My heart aches so. Maybe I'm the one who has been giving the mixed or incorrect signals.
