Yesterday was my visit with the child therapist I have been taking my D7 to see. My D7 has had about 4 sessions with the therapist and this was just a "parent session" to discuss what is going on with daughter. I invited H to come to the session as well and luckily he did show up. Our daughter has been taking all of this pretty hard despite my best efforts to make it as easy as possible on her. Anyway, I am so glad that my H came because it really gave him a chance to hear, from another persons perspective, the pain he has caused our family. He was very quiet and mostly just listened. At first I thought he was very non-emotional but as we left I noticed that his eyes were a little red. At one point the therapist asked if we had come to a decision as to when we would proceed with a divorce and I just looked at H. He then kind of stammered and said we really hadn't decided on a time frame yet. He has said he will D me but doesn't seem in any rush to do it. The therapist assured me that everything my D7 is going thru is a normal part of the grieving process for a child and gave me some constructive ways to help her deal with her emotions. For so long my H has tried to say, "Oh, D7 will be just fine. Kids go thru divorce all the time." Hopefully now he understands how painful this is for her. Afterwards, we both went our separate ways since he had to go back to work. He came back in the evening to take us out to dinner. D7 received her report card yesterday and made honor roll again so we always reward her with a nice dinner at the restaurant of her choice. H looked terrible but said it was because he had been working so much. He was very quiet during dinner. He did stay long enough to help D7 get ready for bed and that is the first time he has done that since he left. After I got in bed last night, I grabbed a devotional that I read sometimes. I just let it open to any page and started reading. As luck would have it, the passage I read talked about how God can restore marriages and soften hearts. Maybe I needed to read that because I have not been feeling very hopeful about my M lately. Truthfully, I want my H back and I want our M to be better than ever. Sometimes I just get so disappointed that I try to convince myself that I don't want him anymore. I tell myself that I deserve someone who can love me like there is no tomorrow and, well, I do deserve that. I want to feel hopeful but I am scared to let myself have any hope.
As a side note, I think I have been shopping way too much lately! I've noticed that anytime I start to feel down, I go shopping. My H's side of the closet, which was once empty, is now full. I've got to learn to do something else like go to the gym.
That's my story today.. Shelly
Me: 34
H: 37
1 child
Married 10 yrs (together 13)
Bomb: Aug 25th "I'm not in love w/ you anymore"
H walked out: Aug 30th
I'm glad your H showed up at the parent meeting, maybe he will now see that it really is hard on your D.
Quote: For so long my H has tried to say, "Oh, D7 will be just fine. Kids go thru divorce all the time."
This is one of my H's favorite lines too. I can't believe they really think the kids will be "just fine." They can't see how this tears their world apart and shatters just about everything they hold true. Hopefully this will help your H see the light.
I have called to make an appointment for my kids with a therapist. I hope it will help them. They seem fine but they are shorter tempered and the little one has reverted back to callind H "dada" and more talking like a toddler sometimes lately.
So glad your D is still getting good grades. I haven't gotten a report card since my kids found out, but her teacher says she's still doing well.
The devotional reading is good. God can restore marriages and soften hearts. I hope He works wonders for the people on this BB.
Quote: I want to feel hopeful but I am scared to let myself have any hope.
Me too!
Retail therapy has been very helpful to me. But I have to slow it down a bit too. I'm looking into a yoga class once a week and trying to clear out some junk that I don't need or use in the house.
Hope you love going to school Shelly. That will help with cutting back on the shopping.
Okay, my H scared the hell out of me this morning. I didn't realize he had taken the day off work because he had a doctor appt. Anyway, I was taking a long hot shower, thinking I was totally alone in my house. Guess who pops over unannounced?? He has never done that before. So, as I am in the shower I am hearing noises in my house, not knowing it is my H. So then he calls my name from the other room and I realize it is him after my heart has about jumped out of my chest. THEN he walks into the bathroom and talks to me while I am standing in my clear glass shower completely naked. He hasn't showed ANY interest in me for months so I was clearly uncomfortable with him staring at me. He says "Oh, the door is all steamed so I can't really see anything." I could see him just fine! He didn't even turn his head, he just stood there looking at me. I'm not embarrassed of my naked body but it was unnerving. Anyway, he got whatever it was he came for and left. Should I just not say anything about it or should I tell him not to come over without letting me know first??? He still has keys to the house but I didn't think he would come whenever he pleased. I don't want to make an issue out of it but I did feel like my privacy was invaded a bit.
On another note, I did somethimg positive for myself today. I've had a hard time getting motivated to go to the gym so I bought 12 sessions with a personal trainer. I have just enough time after my college classes on Wed & Fri to meet with the trainer before I pick up my D7 from school. I'm actually excited about working out now!
Shelly
Me: 34
H: 37
1 child
Married 10 yrs (together 13)
Bomb: Aug 25th "I'm not in love w/ you anymore"
H walked out: Aug 30th
Okay, H called tonight to talk with D7 and he sounded all cheerful and preceded to tell me how he was out having a great time with friends. I acted like everything was fine and handed the phone to D7. Apparently he planted a gift in her bedroom today when he made his impromptu visit. Lots of gifts for D7 must equal lots of guilt. Anyway, I started feeling really resentful towards him. He's out having a great time partying with his friends and meanwhile I spent my evening driving daughter to her activities, cleaning house, laundry, etc. It just feels like he dumped me and now he gets to live like a swinging single and I get to take care of all the responsibilities with little help from him. I know I'm being a whiny baby right now. He didn't mention anything about seeing me naked today and I didn't bring it up either. I guess he just came by to get some more of his things. Who am I kidding, he doesn't give a crap about me. Yup, I'm definitely feeling like a whiny baby tonight! I'll get over it.
Shelly
Me: 34
H: 37
1 child
Married 10 yrs (together 13)
Bomb: Aug 25th "I'm not in love w/ you anymore"
H walked out: Aug 30th
Quote: started feeling really resentful towards him. He's out having a great time partying with his friends and meanwhile I spent my evening driving daughter to her activities, cleaning house, laundry, etc. It just feels like he dumped me and now he gets to live like a swinging single and I get to take care of all the responsibilities with little help from him.
DITTO, DITTO, DITTO!!! This is precisely how I feel. H gets to come visit when he wants to and spends the rest of his "free time" doing anything he wants. They go out, do things only for themselves without a thought as to what we have to do on a regular basis. I know they have to work and I truly do appreciate the fact that I can stay home with the kids because of that. But it would be nice if they would take SOME responsibility in parenting too. I guess that is hard not living here but my H doesn't even call the kids on a regualar basis.
I know it's hard but everyone says let them go do whatever it is they need to do to make it through this. Hopefully he will realize that although it is fun going out with friends that something is missing in his life and that something is you and D7. And that you are fun too.
Keep moving forward, you're doing great. I know you give and get lots of hugs from your D. Shower her and yourself with all your love. It will get better eventually.
It's okay to be whiny sometimes. You can come here and whine, we'll listen.
Well, H came to visit today and we had a great day. We spent almost the whole day as a family and we really had fun together. I was pleasant and easy going in his presence. It always baffles me how we can have such a great time together and then H still seems content with leaving us. I'm starting to wonder, have I made it too easy for him??? He visits several times a week and we usually spend time together as a family. Have I not given him a chance to miss me??? Is he having his cake and eating it too?? He says he wants to D me but does not appear to be in any hurry. I see a lot of women here have talked about "going dark" and how that actually helped their sitch. Of course, he will continue to visit because we have a daughter together. How can I go dark when he visits so frequently?? I really think I need to make myself a lot less available to him. I need to stop letting him know every detail of my life. I think I'm going to go semi-dark and just see what happens. It's impossible to go completely dark because he is here quite often to spend time with D7. I guess I can try it for a few weeks and see whats happens. I have made so many 180's and he doesn't seem to notice. Honestly, maybe pulling back will help me too. Any thoughts or advice is appreciated.
Shelly
Me: 34
H: 37
1 child
Married 10 yrs (together 13)
Bomb: Aug 25th "I'm not in love w/ you anymore"
H walked out: Aug 30th
As you know I have gone dark. It's hard to do because I miss my h. But it is better for me right now because my h was waffling back and forth between me and the ow. I had alot of touch and goes. He knew I would be here for him. I kept telling him that I couldn't do this anymore and I finally got up enough nerve to tell him no more contact. He did call me Tuesday and left a message that he just needed to hear my voice. I know he is missing me and the kids but I had to do this for me.
Can your h take your D out somewhere instead of being at the house or can you go somewhere when he comes over? Just suggestions.
He might not say anything right now about your 180's but he does notice. You have to do what is right for you and your sitch.
Thanks yellow! I would love to hear my H say he just needed to hear my voice!
Yes, I'm going to leave or be busy when he comes over. We've always been best friends so I usually spend a lot of time with him when he is over. He gets to talk with me and spend time with me several times a week but not have to be my H. It feels like cake eating sometimes. He's been coming and going from the house as he pleases and yet he no longer lives here. This is my home. I've never even seen his apt. We can't just "play house" on occassion while he is planning to D me. That doesn't seem right. I'll continue to be pleasant with him but I need to pull way back and give him a taste of not having me so available. It'll be tough to do but I think it'll be good for me too. I'm going to be very busy during the next few weeks so this is a good time to start "going dim". I'll try it for a month and see what happens.
Shelly
Me: 34
H: 37
1 child
Married 10 yrs (together 13)
Bomb: Aug 25th "I'm not in love w/ you anymore"
H walked out: Aug 30th
You might want to start thinking boundries. I had to do that with my h about a year ago. He came over whenever he wanted and did what ever he wanted. I told him that he left and I would appreciate it if he called before coming over. This is my house, and has been pretty much for the last 19 months. My h needed to respect my space and has done that by calling before coming over. If we aren't available then I tell him that it isn't a good time.
I think you will feel better going dim or dark. It helps you to keep your sanity and gives you peace.
