Wow!!! good for you! One thing I really like about the book is how is depicts separation as a healthy thing. My husband has a history of needing to "get away" from the marriage. This used to really upset me and I'd try to pull him back in quickly. This book gave me a whole new appreciation for separation. Also, how common it is! That was an eyeopener for me too. Sometimes you think you're the only one going through all this stuff.
One more thing, you may be far along, but what about your wife?
I think there's a lot of wisdom in taking time, and going slow and steady with reconciliation. Like taking the time to build it strong and secure.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
ROT I think I am further along than she. We went so fast for three weeks spending a ton of time together. I have tried to slow it down the last few days plus we are back to work after the holidays and kids are back in school, so there is less free time. I am trying to reduce any pressure she may be feeling from me to move home.
My instincts tell me she is pretty close to being ready to move home and just needs a little push but I don' want to be the one to do it. I want her to push herself to do it.
Kinda had a tough day yesterday. Felt some frustration coming on and found myself showing some impatience. I kind a felt like we have not had much progress the last few days. I kind of senses she was pulling back a little but could just be in my mind. Now that the holidays are over and kids back in school there is less time for each other and we are getting back into a normal rountine. We went so fast for about 3 weeks that slowing down the last few days kinda freaked me out. I have not had one of those reasssuring statements from her in the last few days so my mind started playing the what if game.
Feeling better today. Not so anxious. We are going to dinner with the kids tonight.
I am kept thinking last night even though the pain is not like it used to be when I was trying to get her to work on the R, nevertheless it is still there and after 7 months of this, I sure wish it would go away. Today I am calmer and more realistic that this could take awhile.
I did call my wife to discuss R before we left for dinner last night. I couldn't help it, I needed some feedback, after all we are working at recociliation and I am not really divorce busting. Actually the R talk went really well.
One of the issues we had in our marriage was me not opening up with my feelings and I am not going to do that anymore. Anyway, she felt me backing off and actually appreciated it but it did worry her a little, but she figured I was giving her some space. She also assured me she is firmly committed to making our M work but just doesn't want to come home to quick, all though at times she feels like she is almost ready but just gets a little scared. This is something that time will take care of, but it is still hard to wait. We both walked away from the phone conversation feeling very good.
All in all my obessessing and worrying was much to do about nothing. Just a little sincere communication solved it all, in fact probably helped a lot as she sees my ability to open up now. I know her too well and am glad we had the talk because she was so relaxed and almost giddy at dinner.
I am beggining to see when you are in the piecing it back together mode, that some of the DB principles like not pressuring and being patient, taking baby steps do apply. However, you have to start doing the things like communicating and meeting your mates emotional desires, the things that make a M strong.
Glad to hear that you are heading down the right path! Hang in there and take it nice and slow!
I am struggling with that over here... Patience, Patience I keep telling myself when others tell me that I should tell WAW to get lost and move on. I am either a hopeless romantic or an idiot!
My sitch
Me 35
WAW 34
Married 4 years
NO kids
BOMB July 21 2006
I can totally relate with you. My family just told my daughter and she told me that I am a sick person for taking my H back and I should seek some help. (isn't that nice). It is so easy to judge from a distance when they cannot and will not ever know how I feel. My parents do EVEYTHING together, are rarely apart. I would like to see if either of them could handle what I have been through the past few years. They are not forgiving at all.
I do feel that I am in idiot also sometimes, too. I know we should not have to put up with what we ahve and there would be someone out there that would treat us better, but I am not ready to throw in the towel just yet. It is my families life!
