He's back but I am restless now

[HopefulAndDetermined]

I posted to this forum a long time ago while my husband was having an affair. My name was "HopefulAndDetermined", because I was still very much in love with my husband after falling in love with him 32 years ago, and I was determined to do the Divorcebusting thing to get him back. But in my own heart of hearts I never dreamed that the affair would end, because he had thought it was real love and that our marriage was over.

But the affair did end. And now he says that he has fallen back in love with me. In the meantime, the affair took so long that I changed radically. I lost 25 pounds and dyed my hair to its previous color. I travelled on vacation outside the country by myself. I met other interesting men on the web and in person, and became close friends with a couple of them. I started making plans to retire sooner than I had thought and to live a freer life. I am feeling exceedingly restless for adventure, and even for maybe having an affair. I feel like I will be cheating myself out of my own life if I have to go back to my previous state. And the affair was so painful that I still feel deep wounds. It happened just after my mother died and while my father was dying, and his behavior seemed so heartless. Also, he had been laid off and I was supporting him through the entire affair. He was not working while I was slaving my life away to support both of us. My therapist at the time had told me that he was just using me, that his behavior amounted to emotional abuse.

At this point he thinks everything is fine, and that he is back in love with me. I am feeling deep pain and restlessness. Sometimes I have thought about getting up in the middle of the night and just going out somewhere. Sometimes I have thought about leaving everything and everyone behind and just disappearing. And I have felt a strong pull towards the first couple of men I have met.

Is all this normal? Does anyone have any perspective or advice on this? Has anyone experienced anything similar?

Thanks for listening.

Hopeful

[KristyS]

Well - do you WANT to be with him?

Are ya'll still married?

[Heywyre]

Dear Hopeful

It is obvious you haven't dealt with the pain from the A - and that is something you definitely have to do to save yourself and your M (if you still want to).

You are still harbouring a lot of pain and until you can let that go, I doubt you will be able to sort out whether or not you want to stay in your M. Does your H know how you feel?

I knew a couple that separated for a while after an A and then got back together. They never dealt with the issues. They didn't think they needed to because it was a couple of years later and thought it had all disappeared. Well it hadn't. It was still as raw as when it happened. Why? because they separated and never dealt with it. Once they reconciled, it was still there and still raw.

I would suggest you both get into some counselling. If your H (and you) are really willing to make a go of this M, you will both be accepting of doing so. At the very least, YOU need to get some C to heal your pain.

I wish you all the best - its a tough road

[HopefulAndDetermined]

The whole problem is that I thought I knew what I wanted, and now I'm not so sure. And I'm trying to find out if that is normal. But I think you're right, Heywyre, in that I haven't yet dealt with the pain. (I actually started crying while reading your message.) And maybe the pain is also the source of my current confused emotional state. During the affair, I was in divorcebusting mode, suppressing my pain and instead focusing on myself and making myself more interesting to him in the process. Now I need to get out of divorcebusting mode, and quit suppressing all the pain, and it isn't so easy to shift gears. I've been writing down some expressions of pain just for my own release. I think I need to share that with him, for a start. I've suggested a counselor, but he has been reluctant. But he seems open to just talking. It seems that is what I need to do, at least for a start. Thanks for lending some clarity and for your encouragement.

Hopeful

[Heywyre]

Hopeful

Regardless of what "mode" you are in, you need to get rid of the pain, for YOU, no one else. How he dealt with it has nothing to do with you, his pain and how he dealt with it is completely different than yours.

The cheater's pain (being that my H has explained it to me) is different in that they go through the guilt, the detachment from OP etc. We are dealing with betrayal, shock, anger, disbelief - I could go on, but you know what I mean.

Talking with your H is good but it has to be controlled - my H and I have resisted (so far ) from raising our voices at each other and the talks have been very constructive. However, if you feel you cannot have this type of discussion with him right now, it is best you go for some C on your own to get it out and find a way to be able to do that. If you don't the discussions with your H will be useless and just cause more pain and resentment and perhaps push him away instead of bringing him closer.

Once you have been able to deal with the pain perhaps you will have a clearer picture of what it is YOU actually want. Until that time, you are in too much of a thick fog to make those decisions.

Take care

[cat03]

I can see why are hurting, because I've been there, but I do need you to remember something "hatefulness begets hatefulness". Think very well about the decisions you make, don't do anything rash just because you have a "feeling". Question every feeling that comes to your head, just because you feel something doesn't make it true, don't be a slave of your emotions.

And I see no reason why you can't to the C by yourself, the way you are feeling I'd def encourage you go, it's almost like you are entering a MLC. Regardless, you need help dealing w/your pain and right now your H isnt' equiped to help you, barely any WAS who come back are.

I want you to read the responses I got when I found out my H's A was not a mere EA of weeks but a PA of months, I hurt so much back then and the responses from my friends here helped me heal:
healing old wounds