Having a bad, bad day

[Lizarina]

It's been a year and a half now since he left. I've done some major 180's, but nothing has seemed to make a difference with my H. The only thing that slightly keeps me hanging on is this - he filed for divorce a year ago, but has done NOTHING since then. He says he wants a divorce, but I just feel like if he really did, it would be done and over by now. Am I just deluding myself? Is it over, but he's too lost in his MLC to care either way now? And by way of background, he left after his brother was diagnosed with cancer. He cut off (and continues to cut off) all communication with his family and friends, including his sick brother. His brother then died and he never was able to speak with him beforehand. After he came back from the funeral, he begged me to go to counseling. Unfortunately, it took 6 months to get him there at which point he said he was only going because he thought he owed it to me. He never went again and filed for divorce two months later. He said all the classics - ILYBNILWY, we got married too young, etc. Now he's moved an hour away and e-mailed me a couple of months ago saying that he's decided to have no more communication with me because he needs to "take care of himself." So, that's it in a nutshell.

I hate days like today - days of crying and crying. I feel like the pain is just never going to end. And I worry that if I ever do find anyone else, I'm just going to compare them to my H - the true love of my life. I just feel like I got such a raw deal. I feel worse today than I have in a long, long time. There is nothing I want more than to be with him again some day, but I don't want to put all my faith in the chance that it will work out. I'm lonely and I don't want to feel like this forever. But every time I tell myself to move on, I just get this niggling feeling that it's not over. If he truly wants it to be over, then why can't he just finish the job and end it??? GAH! This truly blows. No one deserves this sh*t.

[Was2sad]

If he knew what he wanted, he would show you. He doesn't. That is no help to those stuck in limbo h*ll. I'm sorry. There is little anyone can do but share their concern.

You can do something for yourself. Try very hard not to focus too long on the dark concerns. It is natural to hurt and you deserve some time to mourn on occasion. But, don't let it own you. Control the amount of time you focus on the pain, then let it go till tomorrow. Give yourself the gift of peace and admit that it hurt yesterday, and unfortunately, it may still hurt tomorrow. You don't have to embrace the hurt all day in between. Let it go as quickly as you can. There will be enough left over for later.

Then do something for yourself. Cook. Walk. Dance. Soak in a tub. Create an artistic expresion of who you are inside, not who this is making you. He is focusing on trying to find out what is wrong with him. Let him do his work, and you do yours, while the Lord does his.

[missmyhusband]

Lizarina!

I've been thinking of you the last few months. I'm sad to see you back here, but glad you stopped to tell us how you are.

The only thing that slightly keeps me hanging on is this - he filed for divorce a year ago, but has done NOTHING since then. He says he wants a divorce, but I just feel like if he really did, it would be done and over by now. Am I just deluding myself?

I find it odd that he hasn't done anything with the divorce proceedings. Almost like he isn't 100% certain about this. I don't think you are deluding yourself. The hard part is knowing exactly WHY he hasn't finalized it. You and I both live in Southern California, and you know as well as I do how easy it is to fianlize a divorce here.

Now he's moved an hour away and e-mailed me a couple of months ago saying that he's decided to have no more communication with me because he needs to "take care of himself." So, that's it in a nutshell.

What does he mean by "take care of himself"? Is he in some sort of treatment for depression? Did he see communication with you as not good for him? This seems strange.

I hate days like today - days of crying and crying. I feel like the pain is just never going to end. And I worry that if I ever do find anyone else, I'm just going to compare them to my H - the true love of my life. I just feel like I got such a raw deal. I feel worse today than I have in a long, long time. There is nothing I want more than to be with him again some day, but I don't want to put all my faith in the chance that it will work out. I'm lonely and I don't want to feel like this forever. But every time I tell myself to move on, I just get this niggling feeling that it's not over. If he truly wants it to be over, then why can't he just finish the job and end it??? GAH! This truly blows. No one deserves this sh*t.

Girl, I could have written all of that myself. Except that my H is pushing very hard for the divorce to be final soon. I also have this small voice in my head that says he will come to his senses someday. I just don't know when that someday will be.

How's your support system? What can you do to make yourself feel better?

[Lizarina]

Hey MMH! I feel the same - I'm sorry you're still here, but it's nice to see a familiar face. I've gotten back up off the ground after my bad day. Those days are fewer and farther between, but still there. Ugh. I wonder if they'll ever completely go away. Anyway...

You and I both live in Southern California, and you know as well as I do how easy it is to fianlize a divorce here.

No joke - if he would have followed through, it would have been done and over with by now.

What does he mean by "take care of himself"? Is he in some sort of treatment for depression? Did he see communication with you as not good for him? This seems strange.

I think he's done just enough self-help reading to be a detriment to himself. I started writing him an e-mail (which I never sent) telling him that he needs to look up the phrase "taking care of yourself" because it doesn't mean what he thinks it means. If he had an overwhelming need to jump off the Empire State Building, taking care of himself would not include taking an elevator ride to the top. But I think that he feels guilty seeing/talking to me. I'm ALWAYS upbeat with him - never yelling, screaming or crying. I've lost 60 lbs since he left and am a flippin' fox now (IMHO).

As far as I know (and in all honesty I could fit what I now know about him in a thimble), he's not in any more therapy. He stopped a year ago because he said talking about his childhood was making him more depressed. Since then, his therapy has included doing whatever he felt necessary to get a clean slate. That's why he moved away. I even found out that he quit his job. I didn't ask what he's doing for work now. I don't want to know. Finding that kind of stuff out is more painful sometimes and ignorance is sometimes bliss to me. Hell, is knowing going to change the sitch? Nope.

And strange...GUUUURL - I think he should change his name to I. M. Strange because that's who he is now.

I also have this small voice in my head that says he will come to his senses someday. I just don't know when that someday will be.

I'm glad I'm not the only one. Sometimes I feel like I never want to get back together - I'm too good for him, blah, blah, blah. But I know (and I've told him before) that going through all this crap just makes me realize one very important thing - I love him. And truly love him. I made a vow before God and that is very important to me, but this isn't really about that. I love him and care about his well-being. I want to be there for him. And I know I always will be. He told me that I am now "scripturally free" (we believe adultery is the only way a marriage vow can be broken in God's eyes), but it doesn't matter that much to me. I mean, it makes me sick to think of him doing anything with anyone else, but he can do that all the live-long day and I still love him. Sometimes I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing. Am I just a good person or someone afraid to let go and realize they're being crapped on? I'll choose the former.

How's your support system? What can you do to make yourself feel better?

I have a few GREAT friends. Another great thing about going through sitches like this - the cream rises to the top. But sometimes you need to talk to people who really "get" it. Like you all. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, but I'm strangely thankful that other people are here with me.