Need to forgive OW and move on... help!!!!

[runningoutoftime]

This is not that I need to verbally forgive OW, but I need to do this in my mind and let her go. I'm tired of obsessing about what happened or trying to think of ways to "get back at her."

I know this isn't healthy for me.

Can anyone please share what helps them when they are feeling this way. I'm planning to pray a lot, journal and talk with one of my good friends who is going through divorce and who relies on me for strength during her own trials.

Any other ideas on what helps? My next step is increasing my Celexa (which is super low), but I'm trying to avoid it if possible.

Thanks for any useful ideas!!!!

[Heywyre]

I guess what helped me to get OW out of my mind (sort of) is that it was my H that was married - not her (which doesn't make it right)

He was the one that persued her and even if he didn't, he didn't have to capitulate did he? He had the option of resisting and he didn't, therefore (IMHO) he is the one I have to deal with, not her. Of course there will always be the odd time she pops into my head but I try to avoid those situations like the plague. If this M survives she will not be part of it - I never liked threesomes - all kidding aside, this M is about me and H - not her. She doesn't, and never did, have any part of my M. I made this very clear with H when he wanted to reconcile. I said the first decision you have to make is to get rid of OW 100% - he was shocked and said he didn't know if he could do it. I said "then you have to let me go" - that shocked him even more. It was not something he wanted to do. He wanted to ween himself off - sorry hon! This isn't a buffet!

We are now piecing and I am confident the OW is not in his life (other than emotionally - which he is working through)

[lilypad]

I definitely know how you feel. I am resisting all I can right now not to snoop through her email, which I figured out I can access. Yes, I know it's also legally wrong!! There is one woman who a PA occured with 7 years ago that I still find myself keeping tabs on through public data sites. I still fight the urge to drive by recent OW home, track license plates etc. I even called her ex to get her new number - just so I have information and what I think is power. I know it's all wrong. It's not healthy. I have been doing really good lately and it has been because I chose to focus on myself. I am feeling SO much better about who I am and what I have to offer. This makes those OW look like jokes to me. Sadly, they are pretty pathetic. the living with mom, bad 80's hair 40 year-olds pretending to be 20 year-olds... but I digress.

My advice... Don't be idle. I find that I am more drawn to this destructive behavior when I don't have enough to do. Stay busy. Find something creative and constructive and GAL for you to do. And ALWAYS remember that OW is not in your marriage. She never will be. My H always got/gets really mad if he find out I have been snooping or talking to/worrying about OW. And that doesn't ever help things.

Good luck. It's hard but the bad taste in your mouth will go away.

[inspiredjulie]

Hi Running. This is such a huge issue to deal with and get past. I wish I had better answers, But I can give you my perspective.

1. Kids- I can't remember if you have kids, but from day 1 I decided to act in a manner that would always make my kids proud. I swallowed some pride and decided to take the high road here.
2. Respect- You haven't lost any respect thru this A. She is not respected by anyone. Don't do anything to give her pity or respect from others. She wins.
3. The stop sign. Any time I start to think about OW, I do use the stop sign approach and immediately start thinking about something else. She doesn't deserve my attention.
4. PMA/GAL- Defy everything that anyone would assume you'd do in the face of this. Become fabulous and everyone will be amazed at your strength and resiliency. You win. She loses.
5. The devil is in the details. I recently have gotten 2 pieces of news about OW that started to send me into a tailspin (one that she used cocaine during her bday bash the weekend before the bomb - H is anti-drug and I will not have my kids around that and two that she went up to my best friend in the airport to 'make nice' and she doesn't even know my friend.). So I could have freaked out- started to in fact. Then I realized that she would win b/c I would start to get 'crazy' again and H would back off again or b/c she would start to get the attention she craves. So I decided that this information was best dropped in the recycle bin. I think the devil puts these obstacles in front of us to mess us up on our journey. I'm just glad I realized it before it hurt my progress.
6. Although it takes 2 to tango, i think it takes 3 for an A- if things were perfect at home, there wouldn't be as many A's. So I dug deep to take some accountability for the A and took some of the blame off OW. She doesn't deserve your time.

Good luck. Julie

PS- I see OW atleast daily at my D5s school

[flip]

I just try not to think about her. She's not really worth it. She may very well be a perfectly pleasant person but she still cheated with a married man, and that always makes me one better than her. Oh, and knowing that the laws of statistics are soooo against them living happily ever after.
I think they probably deserve each other!

[12102006]

ROOT

Come on girl...you're smater than that to obsess with the
OW...your H could have told her anything to start the A...
he could have told her you were both getting D'd...he's
more the problem than she is.

Let it go...you need to forgive...then move forward. If
you keep her in your thoughts, you're just reinforcing all
that is negative, not allowing you to heal. If you want to
get mad with someone - be mad at your H...he's the one who
strayed...the OW was probably told a horrific story about
you and felt that your H was severing ties with you...

BUT...you know all this...don't you...you need to place the
anger on the real culprit...your husband...not her...

[Heywyre]

1210 is right Root

My H told the OW he was separated (when she commented about him still wearing his wedding ring) and his ring was too tight to get off (ya right) - you can imagine her surprise when I called her (on D-day) and told her he was never separated (they had been carrying on for almost a year)

[runningoutoftime]

Thanks for all the ideas and support I always say that intellectually one can know what's "right," but emotionally one can get really hung up on the wrong things.

I am doing much better now and plan to focus on habitually letting this go so it will eventually become a non-issue. I do know a lot about cognitive training (I've used it with others) so I should be able to "change" my own brain and eliminate disturbing thoughts and behaviors. Of course helping others is sooo much easier than helping oneself.

And yes, my husband had a big part in the affair... he DID tell OW he was getting a divorce and filed as quickly as possible. Of course SHE was married and didn't have any plans to divorce her husband. It's funny but that bothers me more. I think what disturbs me is here was this young woman, well-educated (post-grad), very ambitious in the business world, 2-year-old child at home, loved her husband and she has this 6 month affair with mine. I think it also bothers me that when I originally mentioned that I would let her husband know about it she didn't stop. And yet, months later when I finally did tell her husband she was very upset. I don't really understand it. If she loved her husband so much why would she have done this? She had plenty of time to think about it. And this wasn't MLC. I think one problem I have is an obsession to know things. I always want to know and understand everything and can be very driven. But her reasons and her life is absolutely NONE of my business!!!

My husband did file for divorce about 2 months into the EA (although, he was restless about marriage for about 3 years so this was more like an "exit affair" or a crutch to help him leave a marriage he had been questioning for quite awhile). Overall, looking back, this all needed to happen. I think this may have been something my husband needed to go through and yet, gosh, it really hurt me a lot (although i also changed and grew in unexpected ways).... oh well... enough mental meandering!

I did share this problem with my therapist and she gave me some really helpful advice. She said, yes... temporarily increase the celexa .

The next thing was come up with a plan... which I've written in my daily planner. If I'm overwhelmed with negative thoughts about OW (1) call friends (I have a list). (2) Pray.... useful even when not entirely spiritual. (Hey, there are scientific studies that verify the usefulness of prayer!) I.e. the serenity prayer. (3) Obtain a book of daily affirmations (check out a few and choose the best) and read each morning. (4) This one I really like.... create a list of what I like about me in the daily planner and read it every day. Add on to it regularly. I find when I like myself more OW and any jealousy I feel fades in the background.

[cat03]

Hey hon, it took me a while but ow's thoughts aren't in my mind eveyr hr as they used to be *gasp*!! I never thougth i'd be possible.

I used to try and demonize and tear down anything ow, i found her myspace account and learnt more than I needed about her. I tried so hard to find fault in every thing about her, down to the last detail. Then I thougth "this is just another person w/likes and dislikes like me, it was not those things my H was attracted to, she was just THERE, that's all that was to it, not all the minutia that I make such a big deal of.

I agree with the above posts, it was the H who sough her, and not because she was all that, only because he needed a crutch, she isnt' all that special.

I had one rare talk about ow w/my H the other day, we dont' talk about the A anymore, is pretty dead and buried, so it was rare that we brough it up. Anyways, I told him of my fear that she'd always be in his heart, that he cherished her memory and stuff. Whereas he told me anytime any A stuff comes up he recoils from it, the whole thing, wants it to be gone altogether and does not want to think about it at all.

We women are more emotional and put so much more significance on things/events, remember that your H isnt' like that and that most likely you are the one thinking of ow.

Flood your brain w/good books, good ideas, memories of good things your H and you do together now. Hugs honey, it will be behind you, believe it.

[~Sol]

I have these similar emotions/thoughts that I struggled with too. It is so similar to what I felt that it's scary!

Anyways, I told him of my fear that she'd always be in his heart, that he cherished her memory and stuff. Whereas he told me anytime any A stuff comes up he recoils from it, the whole thing, wants it to be gone altogether and does not want to think about it at all.

That's exactly how my past talks with my W went, and what I was feeling/thinking. She wants to bury it, and let it fade.

It's almost surreal to me that my W wants to work on our M now, and I don't know why I was backsliding so much.

Cat is right, focus on the "now" and remember the good things you do together. It's a new relationship now.