H & I were estranged but never separated for about 6 months. Through MC and DBing, we've reconciled and are on our way to building a fantastic M.
What do I need to know about this process? There aren't any books about this part!
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
I'm wondering when the trust issues are resolved...H didn't cheat on me, but if the OW had given him any encouragement, I know he would have. She's still a "friend," and I'm having a hard time with it. To his credit, H has done nothing to set off alarms...heck, I'm snooping big time, and there's nothing at all to indicate anything.
But still...just wondering what I should do. Bring up in MC about how I'm still having trouble with their friendship? I know I can't demand he end it...and it wouldn't be valuable to me if he did it b/c of my demands anyway. I guess I wish he'd just do it on his own...and maybe he will. He already doesn't call/hang out with her very often, and it's never alone.
I want to trust, but I am having a difficult time!
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
SD, are you snooping again?! Come on, FoundGirl, I know you can do better than that!
As far as this OW goes - it's not about her and I think you know that. If she vanished off the face of the earth this afternoon, that would be no guarantee of H's loyalty. There will always be temptations and opportunities out there, if H is looking for them. Forget about her - she's inconsequential.
If you're waiting for H to deliver you an ironclad promise that he'll never even look at another woman again, I'm afraid you're going to be waiting an awful long time. Even if that's how he feels, and even if he says so - you just can't find certainty from an external source. There will always be doubts and possibilities - I'm afraid we've grown up beyond the land of happily ever after, and we can't go back to that blissful ignorance.
You have to look inside yourself to find the strength to trust in SPITE of the inherent, unavoidable risks. That's why trust is so hard - and such a gift when you can give it - because it is always a leap of faith. I know you have that kind of strength inside of you.
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
Hi SD - glad I found this thread! Trusting....takes time, lots of time. I reckon H would end this friendship with OW if you asked, but like you said it's a hollow victory if you ask for it. Remeber too you're not supposed to know he had feelings for her...you only found out by snooping, so you're in a corner. Your best bet is to keep the focus on you and your R with H, to make it so watertight that no OW will ever get a look in, be it the cow faced bag from hell or someone else. I know full well too that re-establishing the trust for the LBS is not easy....I still have my moments where I wonder if this will all blow up again, but what keeps me comforted is that I am MUCH more adept at realising the consequences of my words/actions on H, that if I do mess up I CAN ake steps to put it right and that in the end it's my happiness that comes first. My happiness consists of being true to myself and not being the unreasonable and demanding thig I was before, I didn't like being like that so I owe it to myself not to go back there. Sorry...rambling a bit now, have added you to my faves, if you need anything just shout.
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Quote: SD, are you snooping again?! Come on, FoundGirl, I know you can do better than that!
Yeah, yeah, I know. I am ashamed. It's so stupid! I know there are no guarantees at all...but this is one person I know about. And I can't stand her smug, wrinkled butt. Self-righteous SNATCH that she is!
And that's really not fair to her...I know. And I'm trying, Rob, I really am. I guess I'm just taking my time to deal with my issues with the M now that the crisis is over. Honestly, I think that's over for H, but it's just not over for me.
Been good; no snooping for 2 days. Trying to quit...
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
But H knows I know...we talked about it in MC...because I DID know without those stupid letters. That just made it worse, blecch!
I know, I need to just deal. I freaking hate this!
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Meant to note, H & I just celebrated our 10 years of meeting each other anniversary. We haven't done that in years, and it was H who remembered and brought it up. I cooked him an extra-special dinner and we had a good ol' time that night
Insecure? Yup. In love? Yup. This will never be easy...still need to detatch from my expectations....
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
