I'm going to guess that alot of your ED is hung up with anxiety over pleasing your wife. If this is the case you should be focusing on what you want. So what 10 things are you going to do for yourself in the next 2 weeks?
Rigley, suggest you study the last few posts in Mojo's thread... you can learn a LOT from the insights she has come up with about how pleasing yourself can reset the balance in a relationship.
So what 10 things are you going to do for yourself in the next 2 weeks?
I've made my list. Thanks for the suggestion. I agree about my anxiety over pleasing my wife. I've been worried I wouldn't be able to please her because I haven't felt like a "real" man.
What I'm discovering is that the reason I haven't felt like a real man is BECAUSE I've been so wrapped up in pleasing others. When I'm able to focus on what I feel, I need, I want, I think... I start to feel more masculine, more self assured, more angry, more insistent that I be respected, more sexual.
But I'm on this dangerous precipice, though, because I could so easily respond to my wife's affection by chucking all of my own needs and desires, and then I'd be right back where I started.
I do NOT want to move back in right now. I need space to change. Meanwhile, I think she is gearing up to make a final decision. I have to decide how to act over the next week in light of this. I think it's clear to me that I must stay on track for myself. I think it might be helpful to let her know some of what's going on with me, but I need to be crystal clear that what I'm doing, I'm doing for me.
If I had to choose right now between getting back together, and continuing to find self-respect, I'd choose me.
You cannot control the actions of another person. You are turning yourself inside and out, trying to figure out just the right way to "be" so that you can avert disaster. This is *precisely* what she is running away from. She doesn't want to live with a manipulating, uptight, overly controlled individual. I'm not saying to suddenly morph into a footloose and fancy free hippie--that's not really you and, after all, she loves YOU. But if you hope to have any success you will have to fight against this tendency to spaz out and attempt to manipulate each and every moment with her. Believe me when I say that she sees through it as if it is a sheet of glass in front of her.
Try to calm down and tell yourself that she may indeed be gearing up for a final decision. Then again, she may not. What she does or doesn't do is really out of your control, isn't it? Figure out what you want and stay steadfast with that. She gets you all wound up and flustered and tongue tied (and not in the good way either, lol) and next thing you know you are saying and doing all these goofy things. Perhaps if you concentrated on a few mantra-type replies you will feel more prepared and less inclined to try and control. Fwiw, I think what she is doing is pretty crappy. She knows full well your desperation and so she is orchestrating these "conversations" to prey on this. Don't feel like you need to jump every time she wants to talk. You can put HER off you know. In fact, I think it would do her good to see you getting a life and becoming a more well rounded person.
It is good to see you getting in touch with your anger. Keep the anger "clean" if you know what I mean. Don't fall into a poor me space and it will be refreshing for her to see.
I had an instance with my H last night where he was mad but wouldn't admit it. Instead he was picking on our daughters and, in general, storming around (quietly you know, lol) and picking on everything. Finally I called him out and he sat there, confused. He said, You know..I am mad but I don't know what about. I told him to give it some thought and figure it out because he was way past getting on my nerves. He replied that it was because our checking account wasn't balancing and he thought I had spent money and wouldn't tell him. (the fact that I don't do this doesn't really matter) I told him I had nothing to hide--as I had stated before--and he was welcome to look up our account online. He did and calmed down when he got it to balance.
My point is that people like him....(cough)You have a hard time identifying their anger and the source of it. H does not allow himself the freedom of figuring out what is making him p*ssy and then doing something about it. He feels trapped--for some unknown reason to me--and so he takes it out on me but won't own up to the fact that he's angry. I can see and feel his anger from a mile away, though! Anyway, last night went quite well with me holding on to myself and not giving in to the urge to verbally slap him around and him being willing to hear me and figure out what his problemo was and then be *active* about the solution.
All this to say: there's hope for you guys!
Calm down, go work out, have a drink, pray, whatever you need to do in order to chill a little and let the thought settle over you that you cannot, in one conversation, change her mind. I see you flogging yourself over every little thing, such as your mother's meddling, in front of your wife. Instead of trying to control how your wife perceives your mother, why not try to position yourself on her side? Think of the two of you as a team and practice responding to her in that fashion. When she told you about your mom you could respond "What a meddler" or something like that to foster a "us against the world" rapport between the two of you, instead of a "me against you" paternalistic feeling. You know, I hate that H would always try to fix whatever I was saying (still does, lol) but I realized a couple years ago that I was soooooooo guilty of the me vs. you style of speaking that automatically set up the paternalistic dynamic. I made a list of goals and that was one of them: to make my words jive with my purported goal of saving my M. I started using words that indicated that we were on the same side and it made a *huge* difference.
Well, I no longer know what my point was so that means it's time to sign off.
OK, honeypot, I'll stop. I AM making myself crazy. Hopefully, if nothing else, it's entertaining for you guys. I made my list of things to do for me, I called a couple of guys to go watch the Sugar Bowl tonight, and I ate some macaroni and cheese.
I'm starting to think that there really is some truth to the thought that my wife has been carrying around my anger. As a kid, I was never allowed to show anger. My dad stomped on it immediately. So not only do I suppress my own anger, I feel like everyone else should suppress theirs. Looking back over the last couple of years, that's what I see myself doing. Trying to get my wife to "let go of" (i.e. suppress) her anger. She has been expressing it in every way imaginable, from drinking too much, to hounding me, to being too strict with the kids, to wearing tight t-shirts (but man they look good) ... and I have been running around trying to appease her ... occasionally blowing up at her.
Quote: I do NOT want to move back in right now. I need space to change. Meanwhile, I think she is gearing up to make a final decision. I have to decide how to act over the next week in light of this. I think it's clear to me that I must stay on track for myself. I think it might be helpful to let her know some of what's going on with me, but I need to be crystal clear that what I'm doing, I'm doing for me.
Rigley, you have the option NOT to talk to her, you know. You said here that you do not want to move back in and that you want some space. Very well. YOU can call and postpone the meeting. You do not have to do what she wants when she wants it.
Also, the phrase I have bolded-- what do you mean by that? "Gearing up"? She's already said a) she wants a D AND b) she will not do it; you have to. So what is she "gearing up" for? You have created this imaginary monster, this giant malevolent bubble that you think is going to destroy you. It's as if she has her hand on the switch of the electric chair you are strapped into, and you're afraid not so much of her throwing the switch, as you are that you will confess and grovel and reveal the location of the secret decoder ring in an attempt to keep her from throwing the switch.
You do NOT have to be around her at all. If being with her, talking to her, texting with her makes you turn to jello, then don't do it.
Who in your past made you feel this way-- as if you were being dangled by your heels over a moat full of hungry alligators? Who made you feel like your life was in their hands and that your life didn't mean cr@p to them?
Who made you feel like your life was in their hands and that your life didn't mean cr@p to them?
My grandfather. But in an indirect way. He was a very mean, rigid, pious man, who verbally abused his kids up until his death. And though I grew up next door to him, he didn't directly do this to me. I just got it from my grandmother and father.
What I got from my father was that I had to obey the rules no matter what anyone else did, and if I didn't, I was going to see his wrath. And that's all I got from him.
But the more influencial one was his mother, my grandmother. She was the kindest, but most fearful and repressed woman on the earth. She had been married to my grandfather since 15, and must have thought she deserved every word of criticism he regularly spewed at her. I spent my first 5 years in her care during the days, with my grandfather sitting at the table reading the paper, or out working in the garden or garage.
I think I learned to be afraid from her. And she was also the soft spot in their very scary house, so I needed her approval. She was the one who fostered the good boy in me. I also wanted my mother's attention, but she was at work or overwhelmed.
So, here's the formula for Mr. Nice Guy:
Rejected by male parents, made to feel like I had to be a good boy by female parents.
That has left me in the pitiful position of feeling deficit in the manhood department, and feeling like my happiness depends on the approval of a woman, who in turn wants a strong man.
But that was in the past. Today I am learning to look to myself for approval. I know that I can be a strong, mature, confident man, and I'm relentlessly pounding away all those crappy false beliefs that have kept me from believing in myself. The schizo behavior you (and unfortunately my wife) are seeing is the result of the old me and new me battling it out. I don't have any doubt that I'll come out of this as the man I want to be. I just don't know if my marriage will be around then.
Getting Square With Your Folks is abour 7/8ths of the way down the list.
The podcast might not apply to your situation but the part about letting go of resentments is good for most people. I only listened to the podcast one time about a month ago, so I am not saying it is the cure-all for your problems, but I think it might help.
Lou, that message was very good. Made me think about how I'm parenting.
It was good to listen to for a reminder, how to make peace with parents, etc. Oddly, I've tried to LIVE in this place of acceptance and forgiveness since I was a teenager. Of course, now I see that I thought I was bad for even feeling anger.
This time I'm gonna let myself stew for awhile. I'm gonna let it all boil up to the surface. And then, once I fully understand it, I'll let it go. Thanks again.
have a hard time identifying their anger and the source of it. H does not allow himself the freedom of figuring out what is making him p*ssy and then doing something about it. He feels trapped--for some unknown reason to me--and so he takes it out on me but won't own up to the fact that he's angry. I can see and feel his anger from a mile away, though!