Am I piecing? I am sooooo confused

[Heywyre]

Thanks Cat and LN

As for the "personals", I cringed because this is where the whole A started. He was associated with escorts and this time he said he was just "checking" to see if her ad was still there. He is of the opinion he did "this" to help her, and the C even agrees with it (to some extent). H has a lot of issues (including adoption, self-esteem, unable to trust women etc. etc. etc. etc.)

I hear ya Cat when you say to keep the gathering of information to a minimum. I have been unbelieveable (in my eyes) as to restraining myself regarding the "snooping". The only reason this came to light is H was on the computer, which he rarely, rarely does, and when I went to type in an address for a web site I use for work, this other one popped up - otherwise I never would have known (which sometimes I wish was the case). My luck, his loss - or the other way around? Either way, we talked about it last night, he apologized and said he didn't realize it would hurt me so much AND that he never got through to the personal ads anyway.

When we discussed it, I said "so what if you would have found her ad there" and he said "well then I would know that it was a total waste of time and it would be easier for me to move on, but right now I feel as though I should be there and that she needs me". Then I said, and what if you didn't find the ad there, what difference would it make? Perhaps she just didn't put the ad in that week." He agreed that it probably didn't matter one way or the other.

I am now trying not to stress out about a medical appointment he has to go to at the end of February - guess where, Yup you guessed it, back to the same city where she lives - agrrrrrr

[runningoutoftime]

Hi Heywyre,

I can understand your feelings in finding that. In a way I think it might be good you did and that you asked him about it because affairs and affair-like behaviors flourish in secrecy. I would it's good you're encouraging him to talk with you about it and let you know if he feels a desire to check on her or contact her. Hopefully openness and honesty will discourage any negative behaviors... and if he does feel a desire to learn what she's doing perhaps he'll now feel comfortable enough to talk with you about those feelings. The real trick is being a good listener and supportive even if the information is stabbing you like a knife in the gut.

Even through I feel pretty positve about things, I also wonder if sometimes my husband might be curious about OW. I think if I had an intense relationship/A with someone I might be curious about how they are and even hope they are well. On the other hand I'd also worry about any connection stirring up old feelings or emotions.

[jmad4]

Wow, thanks for your post I was wondering if I was being ungrateful because I feel the same thing about my W. I wonder if she is going to try to get into contact with her EA or PA. I try to trust her and encourage her to be open at least your H was honest. I guess that we have to trust them.

[Heywyre]

Yes, we do have to trust them - but that is the hardest part for me. I have always been the kind of person that upholds honesty and believes it to be one of the greatest virtues. However, the R H and I have had for the past number of years has been riddled with lies and disceet, even about stupid little things that I found out about, and its like I can't believe anything he says anymore - this makes it extremely hard to trust.

I know I have to get past that if this R is going to work but this is the second time we are going through this and although he is much different this time around (actually seeming like he wants to make things better) I question as to whether that is not just another one of his ploys to get me to believe more of his lies so he can reoffend again. I know that's not a good way to look at things but I am just going by past behaviour

[LoginName]

HW,
Trust, wow. The books I read when my W first came back talked about how the person who had the A can rebuild trust. I thought my W would do all those things. She's done none of them. She's done the oposite. I don't trust her when she says she hasn't contacted the OM (partly because she hasn't actually said that). I don't trust her when she says she won't just leave again, I don't trust her when she says pretty much anything.

But, how can I live my life always second guessing and worrying? I act like I trust her because it's the best choice available to me. If she contacts the OM, what can I do about it? I can't watch her all the time. If she leaves today while I'm at work, I can't stop her. I am trying to think and feel that her actions don't determine mine. I guess I don't trust her, but I don't care in a way either. If she has an A, then I can take action if I chose too. I have my boundaries. If she crosses those, I have to defend them. Otherwise, I can't control her, so I have to let it go.

I'd love to trust. I don't think I'll ever be able to trust the way I did. I'll always have to have the attitude that if she, or anyone, betrays my trust, it doesn't reflect on me. It doesn't mean that I'm unworthy or I did something wrong. It was that pesrsons choice. It's my choice how to react to their actions.

It's great, I think, that your H is making any attempt to ease your distrust. But what do you think of my idea? You have to go to work, sleep, sometime. He could betray your trust fairly easily. There is nothing you can do about it. Let it go. Make sense?

Then there are boundaries. Everyone has there own. Some here have been able to live with a S who was activily having an A. I don't know if I could. I might be able to for the kids sake. Hopefully, I won't have to find out. There are some here, like you, whose S have had multiple As. Would that cross my boundary? Again, I hope I don't have to find out. But it's your choice. You can decide what your actions are. But I feel that we have no choice but to 'trust' our spouses. We, or you, can still talk to him, discuss your fears, you trust issues, and what you'd like him to do, but maybe not expect him to understand or act the way you'd like him to.

I don't know. Did I babble too much there and lose my point? I hope not.

[Heywyre]

Definitely did not lose your point. I see where you are coming from and before my H had his first A, I thought "there is no way I would ever stand for my S doing that" - my oh my how things change eh?

Then after the first one, I thought my whole world had fallen apart. I said to myself, this is it, I'm not ever, ever going to go through this again. We began to rebuild. Everything I believed in was gone (or was it?). I recovered (never totally trusted again like I had before) but I recovered and moved forward, just for it to happen all over again.

And now, here I am, trying to rebuild again. Would I allow it to happen a third time and rebuild - definitely not! I have reached my boundaries and H knows that (hopefully) - I have expressed it enough times. Whether or not he chooses to believe me or not, that is his choice. I have to know where my boundaries are and stick to them. That was one of the main topics of conversation with the C - boundaries. He said a lot of couples never talk about boundaries and then they discover what one considers a boundary, the other doesn't and then they wonder why they have problems because one sees it as a problem and the other doesn't

I know where my boundaries are now, maybe I didn't before. I am hoping my H knows where mine are, because we are at the end of this game.

[Heywyre]

Just venting here (again :()

I can't seem to pick myself back up since H was looking in the personals (in the paper where OW still lives - she's an escort there). I know it's a heck of a lot better than him calling or seeing her but here I thought we were doing so darn well and now here he goes and sets me back to square one. I know, I know, it's really ME that is setting me back but WTF!!! Why are we bothering going for C and reading books until our eyes bug out if he isn't going to adhere to any of it - AGGGRRRRRRGGGGGGGG

[LoginName]

I know the feeling HW, I can't seem to get over finding the books on how to get a divorce next to my W's bed. I wonder if there is a pill we could take to help us stop thinking specific things.

Maybe you can consider it a good thing that your H checked the personals. Think of it as part of the process he has to go through to get to where you both want to be, so this is actually a positive thing. What do you think?

[Heywyre]

Positive that he's checking the personal want ads? That's a new twist on things

I guess it could have been worse, it just sent me over the top at a time when I thought things were going so well (isn't that always the case?)

I guess it is better than him phoning her for sure but who's to say if he hasn't done that too. Maybe now he's too scared to even mention it, if he has. All I need is confirmation from him, why can't he see that? He's an intelligent man - heck that's part of the reason I married him and now he's regressing back into a bump on a log, what the h@ll is happening to him?

It is part of what the C talked about. He needs to talk to me when he feels these urges and I, in return, have agreed not to freak out when he does (obviously) but when he does stupid things like this why does he think I won't freak out? After all, we ARE working on this are we not?

Sorry, just venting (story of my life these days) but I just need a little direction here once in a while and right now I feel as though I am going in circles.

[LoginName]

If (when?) my W and I get as far as you and your H in piecing, I bet I'll face these same issues. In this small thing, I think it's a little easier for me. I can't and don't expect anything from my W. Your H is 'trying' and working on your R, so you expect more.

Have you heard of or tried the Speaker Listener technique in the book Fighting for Your Marriage? This might be an issue that this technique could help with. It's basically validating, and probably stuff you already know, but it's a good structure.

Then again, maybe all that's needed is for you to vent here until it's out of your system. Vent away if need be. I for one will tell you you're absolutely right (of course, we know being right isn't really the goal ;-) ).

I'd never say our H's actions are OK, or should be overlooked, but I hope you can shake your negative feelings and move on.

Maybe you need to detach (I'm struggling with what this means. Can you detach and still have the intimate R you desire? I think, theoritically, yes.) Don't let his feeling and actions dictate what you feel and think.

If you work this out, make sure to give all of us the answer. Not having THE answer won't stop me from giving you my opinion. ;-)